Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

OP, how much do you have saved up right now?

If one of your primary goals in life is to SAH for the first 4-5 years of each of your kids' life, I recommend you spend the next 5 years working as hard as you can to move up and save money. Get a job that has an excellent fertility policy and once you're eligible seek out a donor and get some frozen embryos.

If you happen to meet a guy who meets your requirement then great. You've created the buffer for when life goes sideways in some way later on. (Hint: prenup that stuff.)

If not then you can go ahead and implant the embryos and use your savings to support yourself during that time.

Don't expect someone else to be the solution, make it happen yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

He's not very liberal then.

The fact that I stay at home has nothing to do with my husbands liberal views. What makes him not liberal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re forgetting to say that 7/10 men who have children and must do 50% of the caregiving and household work, would also not earn nearly as much as they do if they have a spouse doing all of that work for them.

Most of this work can and should be outsourced.

Good luck with that. Staying home with sick kids at the last minute, endless rides to extracurriculars and appointments, personal assistant for scheduling and sign ups of said extracurriculars and appointments, home-cooked meals, grocery runs...it would be quite costly to outsource all of this if you could even find someone who would do it all. Basically, you are looking for a housekeeper and nanny like on the Brady Bunch. When you are in low six figures you are not making enough to afford outsourcing this, but you can afford a SAHM if you tighten your belt and bought a house at the "right" time.

“grocery runs”

“ if you could even find someone who would do it all”

Your comments cannot be taken seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

Are women really competing to marry men like this? Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never worked a day in my life. My husband knew that and we got married while he was in med school. We’ve been married for twenty years and have three kids. All I’d suggest is to always have a backup plan. There were times where he’d withhold money as some sort of punishment, and threaten to make us homeless, but overall things have been great.

Sounds like a peach. Sign me up for marriage to this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

A large number of the lawyers at our firm are married to other lawyers. About half of them end up having one stay at home, and its not always the one who was earning the most. More money isn't the same kind of motivator when you have more than enough.

Yeah that PP is detached from reality. T5 law school grad as is my DH and most of our social circle is lawyers married to lawyers or other professionals. Those were the people we met in our 20s in school and work and big cities. Yes people made various career choices along the way and after having kids and not everyone has the same earning potential. But I don't know any peer attorney who married a "random office assistant."

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would recommend is a partner that is on board with your choice, the best scenario is a partner who is on board with any choice you make and willing to help make it work. You should also recognize when your desires need to be put on hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

Are women really competing to marry men like this? Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right partner.

Not knowingly. This is from the perspective of 15, 20 years down the road of how life settled.

We should do a lot more talking with our "elders." A recent issue came up in one of my mom's groups, and I found it interesting how the person was looking for experiences of people around the same stage of life/decisionmaking point as her. But really, it's the people 5, 10, 25 years out who can look back and identify the risks and benefits of choices they made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would recommend is a partner that is on board with your choice, the best scenario is a partner who is on board with any choice you make and willing to help make it work. You should also recognize when your desires need to be put on hold.

This. Springing a major life decision on someone is a huge no no. Certainly not for the person with whom you want to spend your life.

People can tell when you want to slot them into a role in your life versus actually care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

Are women really competing to marry men like this? Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right partner.

It’s not that they are knowingly competing for it. The engrained societal expectation is that most women work and handle everything or most things related to kids and the home. If you’re fortunate you’ll have a DH who takes on some tasks but he will do 30-40% of it max and you’ll need to assign him responsibilities. All the mental load will fall on you. Most young women in the marriage market aren’t aware of this. Ignorance is bliss until you’re a FT mom with young kids or you’re earning $0 because you had kids.

A few years ago I posted on here that I didn’t see how I could keep working my high earning/demanding job and have the second child my husband demanded. I shared my husband earns around $500k which could have influenced the responses attacking me. The consensus was that I’m unreasonable and my husband should/will leave me if I insist on quitting my job to have the second child. Some comments went as far to say my DH should find someone else to replace me and gladly work while having two young kids.

The sad reality is that most women don’t have the income to properly support a family on their own. Some do, but most do not. A man is still a ticket to more income and income to support the kids.

[Anonymous]

We really need to hear some numbers here to hear how feasible this plan is.

You say you and your bf make "about the same" salary. Is it 250k each or 75???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re forgetting to say that 7/10 men who have children and must do 50% of the caregiving and household work, would also not earn nearly as much as they do if they have a spouse doing all of that work for them.

Most of this work can and should be outsourced.

Good luck with that. Staying home with sick kids at the last minute, endless rides to extracurriculars and appointments, personal assistant for scheduling and sign ups of said extracurriculars and appointments, home-cooked meals, grocery runs...it would be quite costly to outsource all of this if you could even find someone who would do it all. Basically, you are looking for a housekeeper and nanny like on the Brady Bunch. When you are in low six figures you are not making enough to afford outsourcing this, but you can afford a SAHM if you tighten your belt and bought a house at the "right" time.

“grocery runs”

“ if you could even find someone who would do it all”

Your comments cannot be taken seriously.

+1

Stay at home with your kids if you want and if it works for you. But don't try to act like working parents can't figure out how to get kids to extracurriculars and appointments and pick up groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

Are women really competing to marry men like this? Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right partner.

I have no idea - I would have never gotten married or had kids with my husband if the deal hadn't been that we would both be 50% caretakers of the kids. Even at the beginning we did bottle feeding so he could participate. No way would I work the same amount of hours and make the same amount of money only to do more around the house or with the kids. Why anyone signs up for that deal is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

^^This. You need to realize, OP, that you are competing with women who will provide to a man all the benefits of SAHM (bear the mental load, handle all the newborn stuff while healing from a major medical event, clean, caretake, be first line of defense when kid is sick) and also be pulling in a few hundred Ks of salary. How do you market yourself to be more attractive than that?

Are women really competing to marry men like this? Why would anyone put up with this if they were capable of pulling in a few hundred KS of salary? At that point it makes absolute sense to me to save and plan for single parenthood ( as a PP suggested) while remaining open to finding the right partner.

It’s not that they are knowingly competing for it. The engrained societal expectation is that most women work and handle everything or most things related to kids and the home. If you’re fortunate you’ll have a DH who takes on some tasks but he will do 30-40% of it max and you’ll need to assign him responsibilities. All the mental load will fall on you. Most young women in the marriage market aren’t aware of this. Ignorance is bliss until you’re a FT mom with young kids or you’re earning $0 because you had kids.

A few years ago I posted on here that I didn’t see how I could keep working my high earning/demanding job and have the second child my husband demanded. I shared my husband earns around $500k which could have influenced the responses attacking me. The consensus was that I’m unreasonable and my husband should/will leave me if I insist on quitting my job to have the second child. Some comments went as far to say my DH should find someone else to replace me and gladly work while having two young kids.

The sad reality is that most women don’t have the income to properly support a family on their own. Some do, but most do not. A man is still a ticket to more income and income to support the kids.

PP who feels the same way you do. I really, really didn't get it when I was younger. In my 20s I thought I was equal in all ways - in the workplace, in relationships. Experience talks, though.

Anyway, curious what you ended up deciding. Did you have a second kid? How have you managed your job and kid(s)? Best wishes.