Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.

Hopefully you didn't waste your parents or your money going to college to just to stay home. Yikes.

You feel education is only of value if you sit in an cubicle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

He's not very liberal then.

DP here. Mine is liberal politically. But was way too happy to just let all the running of the house fall to me. I was naive and thought SAH meant I would care for the kids during the day instead of a nanny/daycare and I didn’t realize all the other crap that would fall to me too and not us together.

I am SAH wife now, since kids are grown and flown.

DH and I jointly tackled domestic chores since the time we got married. There was no reason for me to start doing all those chores by myself once I became a mom - SAHM or WOHM. We always either did the domestic chores jointly or we hired people. Yes, I was still supervising the tasks but I had a cleaning lady who came twice a week to clean, do laundry, do food prep and organize. And while I did not have a fantastic yard with flowers, I did have a lawn mower guy who did the basic mowing, mulching the flower beds and trimming the bushes.

+1 We are very liberal, and I sah. Our division of chores did not change after kids came along. If anything, he started doing even more. Of the sah friends I know only two are Republican (then again, we live in DC, so expected). Our boys are grown now, and they are even more liberal than we are. They've been doing their own laundry since middle school, know how to prepare meals, etc., etc. So many boring stereotypes on some of these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

You can't really be this naive. Time are very different from when your parent were raising kids.

In some ways, not in others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find someone whose mother was also a SAHM and whose parents are happily married. If the parents don’t raise their boys to respect or understand the unpaid work that women do in the home, well—-? Personally I think men from families with higher wealth levels, moderately conservative politics and moderate religiousness also increase the likelihood of this. Also men who are originally from other cultures, but really do your research on that one.

Make sure the boy doesn’t have college debt though.

My mom was a SAHM and my brothers doesn't have debt, earn well and truly value their wives as humans and partners as well as their paid and unpaid contributions. My sister valued her husband who was a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a PP who said that the "debate" is really not something related to the real life experiences of 99% of families. And if you add in the need for the potential SAHM to have family money or having hit the Lotto jackpot, it's even closer to zero.

The problem comes when somebody doesn't do the math and isn't willing to face the reality that you can't actually live a UMC life on one UMC salary in a major city and put 3 kids through college, especially if you didn't come from money and have to make your own down payment on a house and pay off student loans.

The other problem comes when things fall apart and the woman then claims she gave up her career to be a SAHM. 7/10 the women who agree to be a SAHM were NEVER going to earn enough money to support themselves at the level that their high earning spouse did. There just aren't that many women who enter marriage with the same earning power as their husband. I have a law degree from a T14 law school. I don't think even one of the male students in my class married a woman with the potential to earn what he could. The wives were all artists, school teachers, non-profit administrators, or just had random office assistant jobs. I only know of one marriage between two law students.

A large number of the lawyers at our firm are married to other lawyers. About half of them end up having one stay at home, and its not always the one who was earning the most. More money isn't the same kind of motivator when you have more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

You can't really be this naive. Time are very different from when your parent were raising kids.

In some ways, not in others.

If you live in the DMV, a starter home is $1m. The cost of college is 80-90k. What you probably thought was a middle class lifestyle still requires $$$ now. Many families need both parent incomes. Staying home is a luxury not everyone can afford.

I would not end a relationship over this. I don’t think you have to lie about it but don’t fight about it with someone you aren’t even engaged to. When that baby is born, both of you will love that baby and want what is best for the baby. You can decide then what your plans are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you find a man who wants to be a SAHD and you can be the breadwinner.

And get a unicorn as a pet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re forgetting to say that 7/10 men who have children and must do 50% of the caregiving and household work, would also not earn nearly as much as they do if they have a spouse doing all of that work for them.

Most of this work can and should be outsourced.

Sounds like you worship at the teat of late stage capitalism. That’s an absolutely insane take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

The staggering costs of SAH on your career projection and long term earning potential are long researched. It’s several million dollars of a lost lifetime income . While you are taking years off your own salary and retirement savings aren’t growing.

Great you either have a very wealthy husband for whom couple million is a sneeze to give you in case you divorce.

DP: There are many wasy to view the economic model. Obviously when a family decides to live on one income, they are deciding that that is enough even when "more" is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

The staggering costs of SAH on your career projection and long term earning potential are long researched. It’s several million dollars of a lost lifetime income . While you are taking years off your own salary and retirement savings aren’t growing.

Great you either have a very wealthy husband for whom couple million is a sneeze to give you in case you divorce.

DP: There are many wasy to view the economic model. Obviously when a family decides to live on one income, they are deciding that that is enough even when "more" is possible.

The problem comes when you hit 65, and don't have enough to retire on.

This is very real. I am reading dozens and dozens of distraught seniors in my retirement chat boards.

SAHMs can really screw themselves over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

This is one part of the equation and highly variable based on your economic position. My mom worked, but we all still had to get loans. My SILs and I stopped working after the kids were born, and none of our kids needed loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

The staggering costs of SAH on your career projection and long term earning potential are long researched. It’s several million dollars of a lost lifetime income . While you are taking years off your own salary and retirement savings aren’t growing.

Great you either have a very wealthy husband for whom couple million is a sneeze to give you in case you divorce.

DP: There are many wasy to view the economic model. Obviously when a family decides to live on one income, they are deciding that that is enough even when "more" is possible.

The problem comes when you hit 65, and don't have enough to retire on.

This is very real. I am reading dozens and dozens of distraught seniors in my retirement chat boards.

SAHMs can really screw themselves over

Yes, it is something to keep in mind. However, that happens to people who work too. Run your own numbers and see what works for you. We saved like crazy before and after kids. If we hadn't, it might not have been an option until later. We are way more than fine for retirement. There isn't one univeral answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re forgetting to say that 7/10 men who have children and must do 50% of the caregiving and household work, would also not earn nearly as much as they do if they have a spouse doing all of that work for them.

Most of this work can and should be outsourced.

Good luck with that. Staying home with sick kids at the last minute, endless rides to extracurriculars and appointments, personal assistant for scheduling and sign ups of said extracurriculars and appointments, home-cooked meals, grocery runs...it would be quite costly to outsource all of this if you could even find someone who would do it all. Basically, you are looking for a housekeeper and nanny like on the Brady Bunch. When you are in low six figures you are not making enough to afford outsourcing this, but you can afford a SAHM if you tighten your belt and bought a house at the "right" time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

The staggering costs of SAH on your career projection and long term earning potential are long researched. It’s several million dollars of a lost lifetime income . While you are taking years off your own salary and retirement savings aren’t growing.

Great you either have a very wealthy husband for whom couple million is a sneeze to give you in case you divorce.

DP: There are many wasy to view the economic model. Obviously when a family decides to live on one income, they are deciding that that is enough even when "more" is possible.

The problem comes when you hit 65, and don't have enough to retire on.

This is very real. I am reading dozens and dozens of distraught seniors in my retirement chat boards.

SAHMs can really screw themselves over

Yes, it is something to keep in mind. However, that happens to people who work too. Run your own numbers and see what works for you. We saved like crazy before and after kids. If we hadn't, it might not have been an option until later. We are way more than fine for retirement. There isn't one univeral answer to this.

But SAHMS fail to realized too often that if they aren't married at least 10 years, they get NADA from their high-flying spouses salary. And if they don't work and get enough credits, they also don't get Medicare.

No SS and no Medicare is a Doomsday scenario, and SAHMS are extremely vulnerable to this. Even worse are the dingleberries who never get married! Zero benefits for them. They are living in their cars at 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find someone whose mother was also a SAHM and whose parents are happily married. If the parents don’t raise their boys to respect or understand the unpaid work that women do in the home, well—-? Personally I think men from families with higher wealth levels, moderately conservative politics and moderate religiousness also increase the likelihood of this. Also men who are originally from other cultures, but really do your research on that one.

Make sure the boy doesn’t have college debt though.

My mom was a SAHM and my brothers doesn't have debt, earn well and truly value their wives as humans and partners as well as their paid and unpaid contributions. My sister valued her husband who was a SAHD.

I think that’s great!

I just wouldn’t advise someone who wants to be a SAHM saddling herself to someone with debt because their HHI wasn’t sufficient for university— their kids will be in the same trap.