Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

It could really mean something else.

I thought similar thoughts about my mother who SAH. There were a few things going on. Mostly, she was enmeshed with me and smothered me. She was overly focused on me and didn’t have her own life outside of the home. Other mothers worked and had a life, but not mine. She came across as a loser to me and it was very hard on me to essentially be followed and constantly have someone breathing down my neck.

She also criticized women who work and claimed they loved money more than their kids. Lots of sexist statements and judging women for the audacity to have a job and not understanding why not all women can quit their jobs to stay home. In the right moment I might have told her she was a loser who didn’t do anything, but I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not usually a very strict parent, but if my 13 year old said that to me I would make them submit to a week where I: do not drive them anywhere, including their favorite sports and classes, make them take the school bus, make them make their own meals, stop cleaning the house or doing the dishes, and stop doing laundry. If they have no idea what adulting looks like, we need to show them.

The thing is that all this gets done if both parents work. It’s not like their friends who have working parents don’t play sports, wear clean clothes or have dinner. Talk to your child about the pros and cons of staying home and why it works for you and DH and it may or may not work for then if they have families.

dp..

They may have "clean" clothes and eat dinner, but not necessarily home cooked meals, or eat dinner together.

And those parents are probably way more stressed out, which translates into more stress at home. And/or they outsource a lot of stuff, including their meals.

-signed a wfh mom

This is what people say to justify their own decisions and put down people who made different decisions.

Anyway a household with teens should always have clean clothes (because the teens should be doing their own laundry, no excuses) and a home cooked dinner. ANY household with teens is not eating diner together every night because those teens have activities in the evening.

I eat dinner with my teen every night. He might have one Friday night activity every six weeks or so at 7pm. We just eat dinner earlier that night.

I think the point is that eating dinner together or not isn't a factor of a parent staying home, it depends more on the teen's activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

1) We live in a capitalist society with few safety nets. Very few people in the US have the privilege of dismissing, as you do, the "capitalist kool-aid." Have you ever lived paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever had to decide between paying medical and utility bills? This is the reality for most of America.
2) Women with children are far, fare more likely to live in poverty than men. It is nowhere near misogynistic to educate women about the risks of having a man with a plan. And yes, even DCUM women can be at risk. You only need to browse the Relationships Forum to read about moms who have given up their careers and then blindsided by husbands who ask for divorce.

DP. Yeah, there are few safety nets. But we are not making things better for our children by modeling maximum attention to making money and consumption. Most of Americans could do with less consumption and competition and more presence and love.

Of course there are caveats - SAHP should have their own retirement fund (or DH saves for both) and both parents should have life insurance. Obviously this setup is made possible by one parent having a very high paying job, having affordable housing, or some combination. I recognize that many people are finding that difficult to attain but that’s no reason to $hit on families who manage it, that’s a reason to support more family friendly policies.

The point went over your help with a loud swish. I’m a single parent and I’m definitely not working because I spend too much. I barely make ends meet and I rarely buy anything extra. Life is expensive and if I didn’t work, we would’ve been homeless after our divorce. I believe I’m modeling the ability to take care of myself and not need to be a dependent.

Yep. Single mom with full custody here. I work so we have food and a place to live, not so I can afford fancy things. lol.

[Anonymous]

I am laughing at the poster who was talking about staying home “modeling values”. Let’s not pretend you guys stay home because you’re more virtuous than moms who work. You like the set up and it works for your family, and makes your life easier. But better and more virtuous? Modeling “values”? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am laughing at the poster who was talking about staying home “modeling values”. Let’s not pretend you guys stay home because you’re more virtuous than moms who work. You like the set up and it works for your family, and makes your life easier. But better and more virtuous? Modeling “values”? No.

I believe her. She wants to model those values because she thinks they are best. I want to model for my son and daughter different values associated with being a financial contributor to the family and being self sufficient. I am not lying either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made the decision years ago to quit my very demanding career to raise my 3 kids. I never regretted it but now that the kids are hitting their teens, it has become more difficult to deal with my reality. Being a sahm is still very much a full-time job, as exhausting (and yet not as stimulating) as when they were little. On top of that the kids have started making hurtful comments about it. Just the other day, my 13 year old DD said to me, “What do you even do all day.” The other kids have made similar comments, for example, when complaining about their homework load: “You don’t get how hard it is—It’s not like you ever have to work.” I try to stay calm when these things happen because I know they are just trying to push buttons and test boundaries, but the truth is, those comments really hit a nerve and I feel miserabile. Anyone else dealing with this?

13 years olds are mean. One time my 14 year old son said something about me reading a book on the couch as a SAHM. So I gave him extra chores while I continued to read my book. He was dusting and mad. HA! Last time he did that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

1) We live in a capitalist society with few safety nets. Very few people in the US have the privilege of dismissing, as you do, the "capitalist kool-aid." Have you ever lived paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever had to decide between paying medical and utility bills? This is the reality for most of America.
2) Women with children are far, fare more likely to live in poverty than men. It is nowhere near misogynistic to educate women about the risks of having a man with a plan. And yes, even DCUM women can be at risk. You only need to browse the Relationships Forum to read about moms who have given up their careers and then blindsided by husbands who ask for divorce.

DP. Yeah, there are few safety nets. But we are not making things better for our children by modeling maximum attention to making money and consumption. Most of Americans could do with less consumption and competition and more presence and love.

Of course there are caveats - SAHP should have their own retirement fund (or DH saves for both) and both parents should have life insurance. Obviously this setup is made possible by one parent having a very high paying job, having affordable housing, or some combination. I recognize that many people are finding that difficult to attain but that’s no reason to $hit on families who manage it, that’s a reason to support more family friendly policies.

The point went over your help with a loud swish. I’m a single parent and I’m definitely not working because I spend too much. I barely make ends meet and I rarely buy anything extra. Life is expensive and if I didn’t work, we would’ve been homeless after our divorce. I believe I’m modeling the ability to take care of myself and not need to be a dependent.

Yep. Single mom with full custody here. I work so we have food and a place to live, not so I can afford fancy things. lol.

This thread is not about you, then. It does not apply to 99% of single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am laughing at the poster who was talking about staying home “modeling values”. Let’s not pretend you guys stay home because you’re more virtuous than moms who work. You like the set up and it works for your family, and makes your life easier. But better and more virtuous? Modeling “values”? No.

DP. I won’t say that every SAHM is modeling values, but they can be. Putting aside your own ego to be centered and supporting others is virtuous, IMO. It really depends on if you’d be working to put food on the table or be working to satisfy your ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am laughing at the poster who was talking about staying home “modeling values”. Let’s not pretend you guys stay home because you’re more virtuous than moms who work. You like the set up and it works for your family, and makes your life easier. But better and more virtuous? Modeling “values”? No.

The vast majority of UMC SAH parents greatly dislike/hate their jobs and have a partner that earns a ton. It’s really that simple.

The other category are working class parents that literally don’t make enough to cover childcare…so it’s a smart economic decision.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a response to my post. Thank you all for the feedback. A special thanks to the PP who suggested showing my kids more empathy. I took that advice, had a great conversation with them, and we all apologized. I think it brought us closer.

Since there’s a lot of curiosity about my daily life and the choices I’ve made, I’d love to address some of the concerns raised. (Just to clarify—I don’t play tennis or do Pilates; that was a troll.)

My field carries prestige but little money. In my 20s and early 30s, I gained significant international recognition and made a meaningful impact. When I had kids, financial priorities took precedence. Living in DC, my salary wouldn’t have covered the childcare and household support needed for a career requiring frequent, extended travel. At the time, stepping back made sense. (I also assumed, perhaps naively, that returning to work would be a smooth transition. But fully committing to the SAHP role has eroded my professional identity, even with the validation I’d previously received).

I share all this without judgment. I’m grateful I could be there for my kids, especially in the early years, though if I’d been more financially successful, I might have continued working. I admire working parents and also recognize that staying home comes with its own challenges. There’s no right or wrong—just different trade-offs.

As for my daily life: I have three kids (15, 13, and 8) in different schools with various activities, so I spend a lot of time driving and staying involved in their schools. My “free” window is roughly 9:30am–2pm after drop-offs and walking the dog, and I use that time mostly for cooking and chores (I make all meals and snacks from scratch). I also have daily PT due to a recent cancer diagnosis, which takes up a chunk of time. I usually don't have time to work out during the day--I work out at 6am before the kids wake up. Afternoons are packed with activities that often run until 8 or 9pm. By the time I can truly say the day is over, it’s usually 10 or 11pm. Weekends often look the same.

When I vented in my post about feeling exhausted, I didn’t mean it in a purely physical sense or as if I have it harder than any other busy parent. It’s that as the kids grow, the work remains relentless but is becoming more numbing and less stimulating. It’s also increasingly isolating—there are fewer natural interactions with other parents, even though I stay involved through volunteering. It chips away at your self-confidence, and I think that’s why my kids’ comments triggered me. I don’t regret my decision, but I’m realizing it no longer fulfills me the way it once did.

On that note, I’m even grateful for the harsher messages here because they made me realize it’s time to re-think my life a little bit. My mother had a mid-life crisis when I was a teen and left us with our dad, which is why being present for my teenagers is so important to me. But maybe there’s a middle ground—where I can still be there for my kids without giving the SAHP role my absolute full self the way I do now.

So once again, thank you for all the feedback—it’s given me a lot to think about. I hope we all find ways to build lives that feel meaningful to us.

[Anonymous]

If you live in DC, I don’t understand why your older kids can’t get to activities and school on their own.

My kid rowed crew and the entire team made it to the Georgetown boathouse by 5:30am on their own. Captains essentially required this because it started with a mile run to public transport (with groups of 4-5 that lived close to one another meeting up to run together).

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you find a balance that works.
For me, WFH has enabled me to have this and be present for my teens. Unfortunately that’s getting harder to find. The difficulty of finding jobs that are both rewarding and compatible with involved parenting is why so many moms step out of the workforce. I have teens and feel like they need me more now than they did in ES.

[Anonymous]

I don't even care because I love my life so why let them trigger you? It means you might have some things to work on your confidence. Raising children is work but also I can't imagine going to an office job barf. Different strokes for different folks, that's what makes the world interesting.

[Anonymous]

Pp sorry I didn't read the whole post LOL. One good convo I had with my daughter who sometimes says similar things... I did remind her that I clean the entire house, it's immaculate, I make great food, I remind her all the stuff that benefits from. And also I made a comparison of office jobs like her going to school. People do it but it can be so boring. Why waste your life doing something you loathe? Now, some ppl like their jobs and that's great. I like my job of being a mom and also getting to focus on my health (I love exercise). Luckily my daughter prefers home cooked meals so I will say, do you want to do all the cooking? Do you want to do the laundry and clean the entire house? Who do you think will manage your dr appts (she has special needs). So tweens can be snarky but don't take it personally. I know it's hard when they don't appreciate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made the decision years ago to quit my very demanding career to raise my 3 kids. I never regretted it but now that the kids are hitting their teens, it has become more difficult to deal with my reality. Being a sahm is still very much a full-time job, as exhausting (and yet not as stimulating) as when they were little. On top of that the kids have started making hurtful comments about it. Just the other day, my 13 year old DD said to me, “What do you even do all day.” The other kids have made similar comments, for example, when complaining about their homework load: “You don’t get how hard it is—It’s not like you ever have to work.” I try to stay calm when these things happen because I know they are just trying to push buttons and test boundaries, but the truth is, those comments really hit a nerve and I feel miserabile. Anyone else dealing with this?

Np If I were you I would calmly explain that there are lots of things that you do that is =unseen and yet important to them because you keep the wheels going so they can function. Things like making meals or doing their laundry for example. Perhaps this is a good time to prepare them for the real world when you have to go to a job and do the daily household chores. I would find a job ( or volunteer job) and tell them that in X time that you will be unable to do x, y and z because now you are busy. They will soon appreciate you!

Sometimes being too helpful isn't helpful at all.

My kids have done their own laundry since 12 and making many of their own meals (breakfast...often lunch) around the same time.

Kids aren't stupid. It's hard to come up with a legitimate need for a SAH parent once kids are teens, which is why you don't try to justify it.

Just tell them you don't need to work and therefore you don't.

THIS. Being a SAHM to teens isn’t a full time job. I work FT and my teens eat, get back and forth to practice, wear clean clothes, apply to college, all the things.

Just tell them you don’t want to work full time, working part time is a PIA, or you just don’t want to work so as to keep things easy for the whole family.