Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

1) We live in a capitalist society with few safety nets. Very few people in the US have the privilege of dismissing, as you do, the "capitalist kool-aid." Have you ever lived paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever had to decide between paying medical and utility bills? This is the reality for most of America.
2) Women with children are far, fare more likely to live in poverty than men. It is nowhere near misogynistic to educate women about the risks of having a man with a plan. And yes, even DCUM women can be at risk. You only need to browse the Relationships Forum to read about moms who have given up their careers and then blindsided by husbands who ask for divorce.

DP. Yeah, there are few safety nets. But we are not making things better for our children by modeling maximum attention to making money and consumption. Most of Americans could do with less consumption and competition and more presence and love.

Of course there are caveats - SAHP should have their own retirement fund (or DH saves for both) and both parents should have life insurance. Obviously this setup is made possible by one parent having a very high paying job, having affordable housing, or some combination. I recognize that many people are finding that difficult to attain but that’s no reason to $hit on families who manage it, that’s a reason to support more family friendly policies.

The point went over your help with a loud swish. I’m a single parent and I’m definitely not working because I spend too much. I barely make ends meet and I rarely buy anything extra. Life is expensive and if I didn’t work, we would’ve been homeless after our divorce. I believe I’m modeling the ability to take care of myself and not need to be a dependent.

DP, but to be blunt: nobody needs or wants judgmental advice on how to model the perfect marital and parenting relationship from a divorced single mom. Worry about that plank in your own eye, ma’am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made the decision years ago to quit my very demanding career to raise my 3 kids. I never regretted it but now that the kids are hitting their teens, it has become more difficult to deal with my reality. Being a sahm is still very much a full-time job, as exhausting (and yet not as stimulating) as when they were little. On top of that the kids have started making hurtful comments about it. Just the other day, my 13 year old DD said to me, “What do you even do all day.” The other kids have made similar comments, for example, when complaining about their homework load: “You don’t get how hard it is—It’s not like you ever have to work.” I try to stay calm when these things happen because I know they are just trying to push buttons and test boundaries, but the truth is, those comments really hit a nerve and I feel miserabile. Anyone else dealing with this?

Np If I were you I would calmly explain that there are lots of things that you do that is =unseen and yet important to them because you keep the wheels going so they can function. Things like making meals or doing their laundry for example. Perhaps this is a good time to prepare them for the real world when you have to go to a job and do the daily household chores. I would find a job ( or volunteer job) and tell them that in X time that you will be unable to do x, y and z because now you are busy. They will soon appreciate you!

Sometimes being too helpful isn't helpful at all.

My kids have done their own laundry since 12 and making many of their own meals (breakfast...often lunch) around the same time.

Kids aren't stupid. It's hard to come up with a legitimate need for a SAH parent once kids are teens, which is why you don't try to justify it.

Just tell them you don't need to work and therefore you don't.

DP. For many SAH parents, especially if not able to WFH, there’s not many practical choices in between leaning in completely and being out of the house from the crack of down until mid evening, and not working at all. Even though I am not a SAHM of teens, I can understand making this choice. Teens need their parents’ presence, even if they are doing their own laundry and preparing 1-3 of their own meals every day. The SAHP can also lighten the load of the working parent, allowing them to be more present for the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

You and your parents spent a pretty penny for you to have no choices, though? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

As another voice, I am a mom with a full-time, intense career. And when my kids were in elementary school, I was a mom with a part-time job I cared about. And for several years when the kids were young I was a full time SAHM. I've embraced each of these periods of parenting and life trying to serve as an example of how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person, just as you say. At different times, that has manifest itself in different ways, with my children, family, community, colleagues and work mission. I have close friends who all-in at demanding jobs, working more balanced schedules, part-time work and SAHPs. We're all just trying to be and do our best. And kids will ask questions, as we should hope they will. That's when we're called upon to lead with honesty, nuance and transparency so that our kids can learn from us.

Personally, I feel that I am making a positive impact on my kids (late teens) through my work. My job, though, is readily understood and is both objectively helpful in the broader world (in my family's views) and financially lucrative (not crazy lucrative, but my kids know I contribute in a meaningful way to our household income and am able to support myself easily long-term). For my daughter especially, I think it's been good for her to see me in a work environment as well as a home environment. I speak with her about everything from negotiating salary to nuances of serving as a supervisor in a context in which my peers and the team I lead is mostly men who are older. Within our family, this helps. Our college son also calls both parents for personal, relationship, academic and career advice, and my high school daughter does the same. And both kids have seen, with what might be unusual transparency, my husband and my discussions and considerations over the years. At core, I hope my kids bring their best selves to whatever roles they choose over time.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

To state the obvious- this thread is about stay at home moms who are obviously married... not about single moms.

I was married and still had to work. I don’t know any women who can stay at home. It’s just too expensive for one person to pay for everything. Many of my friends even work opposite schedules to avoid too much In childcare costs.

I think really depends on the neighborhood/social circle. We have three teens & of similar families we know I would guess 30% of households have a SAHP (pretty much always the mom), another 20% have a parent who works a part time, very flexible job (usually moms but some dads too). And that is with teens. Was higher when the kids were small, obviously. A lot of the SAHMs went back to work in some form (including me) but nowhere near all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

I have admiration, and really feel for, your husband. You sound ... spoiled, child-like, and kept.

I’m a single mom hence the first sentence about me having to be financially responsible for me and my kids. I am occasionally spoiled when my teen son brings home food from the restaurant where he works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

You and your parents spent a pretty penny for you to have no choices, though? Why?

I went to college so I could choose my career path instead of working low wage jobs. A college degree gave me career choices. That is what college is for unless you are going for your Mrs. degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s laughable that you claim being a sahm to teens is just as difficult as being a sahm to babies/toddlers. If you’re that exhausted scale back the Pilates and tennis.

If your kid is asking “what do you do all day” then it seems like you’re not doing a great job being a sahm

Teens are much harder. We are going from after school till 10pm some nights with activities. Sports are sometimes at 5 am.

I have young adult kids with FT jobs who graduated from college several years ago and they didn't live lives anything like this as teenagers.

That’s unfortunate

What's unfortunate is a life lived beginning at 5 AM with swim practice and ending after 10 PM because of being over-scheduled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

This times a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

You and your parents spent a pretty penny for you to have no choices, though? Why?

🙄🙄
Again, stop making this thread about SAHM about you!

We get it. You’re a single mom, it’s hard.

I went to college so I could choose my career path instead of working low wage jobs. A college degree gave me career choices. That is what college is for unless you are going for your Mrs. degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

You and your parents spent a pretty penny for you to have no choices, though? Why?

I went to college so I could choose my career path instead of working low wage jobs. A college degree gave me career choices. That is what college is for unless you are going for your Mrs. degree.

So you do have choices. Why say you don’t have choices, then? Are you that afraid to acknowledge that you have agency in your life, and are not merely a victim of circumstance? And that other people choosing to set up their lives differently than you isn’t some sort of gauntlet being thrown?

[Anonymous]

I have a very PT job, however when o get ready to drive my teen to school I get dressed semi decently and I grab a laptop bag and I tell him I go to work. Sometimes I also “work from home”. Or I “have a paid gig later today”.
You get creative ya know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

This times a million.

FYI you can have a career that isn't about chasing money and prestige, and you can even pursue virtues like faithfulness, mercy, justice, etc. while doing meaningful work outside the home. This isn't about SAH instead of following what "society" tells you to do, this is about why a teen will notice and say something about a college educated mother who seems to be wasting a perfectly good education. Yes, it's rude for your kid to point that out, but that doesn't make it an invalid observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

This times a million.

FYI you can have a career that isn't about chasing money and prestige, and you can even pursue virtues like faithfulness, mercy, justice, etc. while doing meaningful work outside the home. This isn't about SAH instead of following what "society" tells you to do, this is about why a teen will notice and say something about a college educated mother who seems to be wasting a perfectly good education. Yes, it's rude for your kid to point that out, but that doesn't make it an invalid observation.

I think some people view getting an education purely for the sake of learning as a worthwhile pursuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

1) We live in a capitalist society with few safety nets. Very few people in the US have the privilege of dismissing, as you do, the "capitalist kool-aid." Have you ever lived paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever had to decide between paying medical and utility bills? This is the reality for most of America.
2) Women with children are far, fare more likely to live in poverty than men. It is nowhere near misogynistic to educate women about the risks of having a man with a plan. And yes, even DCUM women can be at risk. You only need to browse the Relationships Forum to read about moms who have given up their careers and then blindsided by husbands who ask for divorce.

DP. Yeah, there are few safety nets. But we are not making things better for our children by modeling maximum attention to making money and consumption. Most of Americans could do with less consumption and competition and more presence and love.

Of course there are caveats - SAHP should have their own retirement fund (or DH saves for both) and both parents should have life insurance. Obviously this setup is made possible by one parent having a very high paying job, having affordable housing, or some combination. I recognize that many people are finding that difficult to attain but that’s no reason to $hit on families who manage it, that’s a reason to support more family friendly policies.

The point went over your help with a loud swish. I’m a single parent and I’m definitely not working because I spend too much. I barely make ends meet and I rarely buy anything extra. Life is expensive and if I didn’t work, we would’ve been homeless after our divorce. I believe I’m modeling the ability to take care of myself and not need to be a dependent.

DP, but to be blunt: nobody needs or wants judgmental advice on how to model the perfect marital and parenting relationship from a divorced single mom. Worry about that plank in your own eye, ma’am.

Ouch. This is true, though.