No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So back to the thread title- why so angry? I do agree that the angriest people seem to be the people whose children are not invited and that is puzzling.

From what I can tell, BG accept the declines graciously.

Has anyone actually been harangued by a BG for declining a wedding invite? I certainly have not.

Yes, I have. I didn’t decline because of kids but because of the expense of the travel involved, which was prohibitively expensive at the time. Bride was very angry, relationship never recovered.

The only time I've heard of this is after the bride shelled out $$$ to host an expensive bachelorette party, bought a $500 dress to be a bridesmaid, and flew to some rural place to attend the decliner's wedding. They are pissed the favor wasn't returned after all they did for that person. So, PP did you get married before your friend?

No. In fact she knew my financial situation, but when I declined, said some awful things about how I was too lazy to get another job to pay to attend her wedding. Her wedding was paid for entirely by her very wealthy parents, while I had to pay for most of my own, later wedding because my parents aren’t wealthy. I did not invite her to my wedding years later, of course.

Well that sucks but sounds like you weren't very good friends for her to turn so easily on you.

Holy victim-blaming. Found the bridezilla!

So very good friends end great friendships over weddings? That's your belief?

Narcissists like that bride do, yes. My guess is you’re angry about this because you’re one of the narcissistic nightmares, and I say that as someone who doesn’t care about kids at weddings. You are kind of demonstrating that the people who are adamantly pro child free weddings are horrific narcissists, though.

My guess is you’re an ego maniac who cant imagine someone who doesn’t think exactly like you do. Maybe get help for your main character syndrome.

Aren’t you the person who victim-blamed a friend who distanced herself from a bride that had a fit about a polite decline to a destination wedding? Your behavior is the weird behavior.

Maybe look in a mirror, friend.

It's not victim blaming to point out the obvious that a friend who would berate you like that is no friend. It's obvious. Are you always a doormat?

What a remarkably awful person you are. It’s rather astonishing. No wonder you defend bridezillas so passionately. As other saw, you are one yourself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

If it's an adult wedding then no one should be mad if ALL the kids aren't invited. My niece invited my sibling's kids, and not mine. That is a big faux pas.

You know, the funny thing is that OP started this thread to criticize people with kids, but the most egregious examples of horrific behavior have been from brides.

[Anonymous]

I have no problem with "no kids" as long as the bride is gracious and it's not a dysfunctional family where the people who decline will be shamed/blamed/guilt tripped for declining.

I did find of my friends/co-workers and family who turned into bridezillas-having majorly unrealistic expectations of those they invite (or have in bridal party) and who were not gracious are all now either divorced or miserable in their marriages. So, often it's just a sign of someone who just has poor coping skills in general and not personal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

If it's an adult wedding then no one should be mad if ALL the kids aren't invited. My niece invited my sibling's kids, and not mine. That is a big faux pas.

You know, the funny thing is that OP started this thread to criticize people with kids, but the most egregious examples of horrific behavior have been from brides.

I agree. Like any event the host doesn't get to abuse their guests even at their own wedding. I've seen brides that try to put the divorced parents together, instead of sitting with their new spouses, lol and such nonsense.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

so why invite someone if you don’t actually care if they’ll be there? Are they props for you photos?

Adults realize that invitations are not summons.

That’s not the question. The question is why you invite people to your wedding if you are indifferent to whether or not they come.

The deeper issue is people turning weddings into absurdly expensive and inconvenient multi-day shows that are “all about the brideeee!!!”

I'm not indifferent if they come, I just realize that as adults, we all have commitments and priorities and not everyone is able to make it to every event. You sound really immature to conflate not being upset at someone not attending with not wanting them there in the first place.

[Anonymous]

My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are usually about celebrating a happy event with friends and family - so when you say except you - we don't want you at our wedding, we don't want you to be here, we don't want to celebrate with you, we want family pictures without you - you aren't invited....that hurts - be it adult or older child. Knowing your family member wants to exclude you from their wedding ceremony and dinner tells you a lot about what they think of you and none of it good.

We had that happen recently. Tween excluded from a wedding of someone they thought they were close to and thought that person liked them. Everyone else in the family was invied and going (tween is youngest). They were very confused as to why they weren't wanted especially as they hadn't been to a wedding before and had been very very excited about it all...and said family member had been telling them details and showing them pictures. At first family member said it was financial so we offered to cover the cost. Then they said it was numbers and space but given their venue, that didn't make sense. Eventually they gave in reluctantly and tween went. Tween is basically an adult in terms of behaviour, sat quietly, ate properly, didn't run around. We kept tween from going up to talk to bride to avoid any perception that she was being annoying. Now family member acts like she always wanted her there...

Wow! I can't believe the audacity! You were told she wasn't invited, and then badgered the couple to force them to let her come? Yikes!

Just because you aren't invited to something does not mean you aren't liked Goodness, is that what you teach your children? Also, a tween is not "basically an adult" jfc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an adult only wedding is most common. The only gripe I have as many people is when they say no kids, BUT they let one family member bring theirs. That is tacky IMO

I have a pet peeve about this too. Don't say "no kids" or "18+" on the invite and then have kids there. I think it's totally fine to allow close kids but not others, but it's just lying on the invite which I do find tacky.

[Anonymous]

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But yeah, I wanted it to be a grown-up affair (e.g., open bar, live band). I didn't understand the kid thing.

At Italian weddings they always have these things plus lots of kids.

Not just Italian weddings. Weddings all over the world! This no children phenomenon seems to be a very American thing.

Americans are individuals. Many don't like meddlesome aunties and cousins who dictate their life or constantly shame them for not doing their bidding.

Actually, Americans are individuals and don't all think alike just because they have the same nationality as one another. I'm sure there are "Americans" on both sides of the thread right here, for example. These sweeping generalizations are false, or we'd never have "Americans" arguing with each other. Which DCUM makes very obvious we do.

So you're correcting saying "American are individuals' by saying "Americans are individuals". Thanks, makes so much more sense now!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So back to the thread title- why so angry? I do agree that the angriest people seem to be the people whose children are not invited and that is puzzling.

From what I can tell, BG accept the declines graciously.

Has anyone actually been harangued by a BG for declining a wedding invite? I certainly have not.

Yes, I have. I didn’t decline because of kids but because of the expense of the travel involved, which was prohibitively expensive at the time. Bride was very angry, relationship never recovered.

The only time I've heard of this is after the bride shelled out $$$ to host an expensive bachelorette party, bought a $500 dress to be a bridesmaid, and flew to some rural place to attend the decliner's wedding. They are pissed the favor wasn't returned after all they did for that person. So, PP did you get married before your friend?

No. In fact she knew my financial situation, but when I declined, said some awful things about how I was too lazy to get another job to pay to attend her wedding. Her wedding was paid for entirely by her very wealthy parents, while I had to pay for most of my own, later wedding because my parents aren’t wealthy. I did not invite her to my wedding years later, of course.

Well that sucks but sounds like you weren't very good friends for her to turn so easily on you.

Holy victim-blaming. Found the bridezilla!

So very good friends end great friendships over weddings? That's your belief?

Narcissists like that bride do, yes. My guess is you’re angry about this because you’re one of the narcissistic nightmares, and I say that as someone who doesn’t care about kids at weddings. You are kind of demonstrating that the people who are adamantly pro child free weddings are horrific narcissists, though.

My guess is you’re an ego maniac who cant imagine someone who doesn’t think exactly like you do. Maybe get help for your main character syndrome.

Aren’t you the person who victim-blamed a friend who distanced herself from a bride that had a fit about a polite decline to a destination wedding? Your behavior is the weird behavior.

Maybe look in a mirror, friend.

It's not victim blaming to point out the obvious that a friend who would berate you like that is no friend. It's obvious. Are you always a doormat?

What a remarkably awful person you are. It’s rather astonishing. No wonder you defend bridezillas so passionately. As other saw, you are one yourself.

Sorry babe, your kids aren't always welcome everywhere. So astonishing selfish of you to think otherwise. Go or don't go to the wedding but you're really just getting unhinged over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

If it's an adult wedding then no one should be mad if ALL the kids aren't invited. My niece invited my sibling's kids, and not mine. That is a big faux pas.

You know, the funny thing is that OP started this thread to criticize people with kids, but the most egregious examples of horrific behavior have been from brides.

I agree. Like any event the host doesn't get to abuse their guests even at their own wedding. I've seen brides that try to put the divorced parents together, instead of sitting with their new spouses, lol and such nonsense.

Aren't all the women here brides? The mama bears in here are just upset that they got an invite to a party they don't want to go to. Just say no, it will be ok.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

You could address the invite to just those who are invited, which is the proper/traditional way.
You can add "there are 2 seats reserved in your honor" along with that.
You can add "This is an 18+/21+ event"
etc.
Generally it's rude to specify who ISN'T invited, ie "no kids allowed" or something. I'm sure some people do though.

[Anonymous]

If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First it should only be immediate family brothers sisters of bride and groom that have this expectation. The first cousin with 3 kids under the age of five should not be expecting to bring their little ones.?? Nor the work colleague with 4 kids and spouse, right? To that end at the time we got married we had all of like 3 kids / toddlers at our wedding. It was cute and not a distraction and we had an evening event, bar, dancing etc.

I hadn't really though about that. I just assumed a non-family member wouldn't bring little kids. Do people actually do that?