Explain to me the financial risk of SAH if partner is a high earner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

That sounds like an issue with your DH being an entitled ass. I’m a woman and I make more than that in taxes. But I have lots of friends who make around that, and they’re in extremely respectable, challenging jobs. Their husbands definitely see that as a major asset, and weren’t interested in a wife who wasn’t using that part of her brain.

New Poster here. So you take issue with that man demeaning your work (indirectly, by saying it’s not worth the time to work if you’re not making big money)). So now you’re going to demean her by claiming she does not use her brain?

What is wrong with you? Do you not see you are part of the problem??

This whole thread is really gross. It’s just a bunch of catty women blaming each other for their different choices when really we should be blaming our common enemy.

And who is that common enemy??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

I work and have a terrific job. My marriage and relationship with my husband doesn’t have anything to do with my job. My husband is also aware that he married a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

That sounds like an issue with your DH being an entitled ass. I’m a woman and I make more than that in taxes. But I have lots of friends who make around that, and they’re in extremely respectable, challenging jobs. Their husbands definitely see that as a major asset, and weren’t interested in a wife who wasn’t using that part of her brain.

No offense but I just don’t understand the whole idea that SAHMs use their brain less than working moms. I’d you were a SAHM wouldn’t you read child development books? Books on emotional regulation? Wouldn’t you continue to keep up with the intellectual interests you had before kids? Wouldn’t you do some exploratory learning with your kids? I was an attorney and I think that I use my brain much more as a SAHM than I did when I was practicing. Yes there was research but if I’m going to be a good SAHM I have to have broad knowledge in many areas and my mind has to stay sharp. Plus I just like learning and I didn’t quit doing that when I quit my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

Ha. My husband 100% believes I’m his intellectual peer. His peer in ambition and productivity? No. Intellect? Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

You spend a lot of time worry about what other people's husbands think of their wives. What does it have to do with you? I can guarantee none of those women give you a thought in the world. You're spinning your wheels over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

You spend a lot of time worry about what other people's husbands think of their wives. What does it have to do with you? I can guarantee none of those women give you a thought in the world. You're spinning your wheels over nothing.

Apparently these other women do give it a thought if they publish such topics. The risks of not working are well described on this thread. We have no clue about you or your situation, or how special or secure you are in your marriage. We just had different experiences and shared it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

I think they would respect that the person has drive and ambition and accomplishments that have nothing to do with their role as a wife and mother.

Someone making millions of dollars likely won’t think someone with 200k really has drive, ambition and accomplishments. Sorry but that’s the truth.

I’m a working professional and I sure hope my husband values my role as a wife and mother way more than my paper pushing job.

My FIL is in the boat of making millions, while all of his kids each make under 200k a year. He and my MIL have advanced degrees, while his kids stopped at bachelor's degrees. He's still really proud of their career accomplishments. His kids, irrespective of gender, care more about spending time with family and on hobbies than working long hours and making lots of money. You could argue that men respect their adult kids more than their wives, but that's a different topic altogether.

All of this. There are just a lot of women on here who don't work are want to push the message that they're still their DH's intellectual peers. No one believes that except them. Sorry, but your DH's do not respect you as their intellectual peers. They respect that you "took one for the team and do shitty work so they don't have to". But those are different things.

My wife is a SAHM, and I absolutely respect her as my intellectual peer. She certainly does plenty of boring work to keep our lives in order, but it is no more shitty than a lot of the work I do (as a lawyer). I do very much appreciate that she is around for the kids and helps make the home a really nice and loving place for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't anyone talking about DEATH.

Husbands die all the time, from lots of different things, and unless you have some other way of paying the bills - someone has to pay the mortgage.

I'm acutely aware of dead husbands because my friend went through it. She had to scramble to find a job with decent salary and good benefits shortly after her husband passed, and it wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

She is one of the reasons I decided to go back to work after being a SAHM for many years.

I am team SAHM for the record, but also, incredibly scared of my husband dying unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is one of the reasons I decided to go back to work after being a SAHM for many years.

I am team SAHM for the record, but also, incredibly scared of my husband dying unexpectedly.

That is what life insurance is for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't anyone talking about DEATH.

Husbands die all the time, from lots of different things, and unless you have some other way of paying the bills - someone has to pay the mortgage.

I'm acutely aware of dead husbands because my friend went through it. She had to scramble to find a job with decent salary and good benefits shortly after her husband passed, and it wasn't easy.

Death would be less financially destructive than divorce for many (most?) UMC women. There is social security, life insurance, and presumably, they get all of the marital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn't anyone talking about DEATH.

Husbands die all the time, from lots of different things, and unless you have some other way of paying the bills - someone has to pay the mortgage.

I'm acutely aware of dead husbands because my friend went through it. She had to scramble to find a job with decent salary and good benefits shortly after her husband passed, and it wasn't easy.

Life insurance and accumulated assets over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

Ew. I would not want to be with someone who is so dismissive of the work of others. That is a terrible thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you all marrying that they’d do this to you?

When a man doesnt want to f..k you anymore he will dispose of you and your joint kids with him like trash. Remember it for the rest of your life that 80% of men would do that. Decide accordingly on career

The reality is that a man can decide he wants someone else based on factors that you have no control over. And he may commit to a new life and do a lot of shifting of assets years before you know anything. Many men do become resentful of a non-working spouse. As the "trophy" of a SAH wife is shifting to the "trophy" of a successful spouse, the position of SAH moms will continue to become more perilous. If it works, great. But if it stops, you can be a lot worse off than you could have imagined. And CS stops. If you have been completely out of the working world, to get a job that will give you a middle class income in DMV in your late 40s or 50s will be difficult. Age discrimination is real. There used to be some stigma of divorce. My ex's boss and his boss both had multiple marriages. The culture where DH spends most waking hours has more influence over time than the SAH wife does. And workplace affairs in law firms, etc are common. My ex really loved the thrill of the initial sneaking around he told me. Midlife crises are real and you can end up very harmed by them, your kids, too.

You think a high earning man is really going to respect a 200k career?

+1

My DH literally said “I pay more than that in taxes”

Ew. I would not want to be with someone who is so dismissive of the work of others. That is a terrible thing to say.

I never thought if it that way, but I make less than what DH pays in taxes. I still out earn something like 90% of Americans and I have a rich intellectual life and financial security - why would I give that all up to be his complete dependent?