How to get through exit interview without tears?
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Anonymous
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I have been at the same job for six years and have really loved it. About a year ago, I got a new supervisor. In short, I just can't work for him. He's condescending, sexist, a micromanager, and dismissive of any idea that isn't his. I have had good relationships with and glowing evaluations from all my past supervisors, so this really blindsided me. I finally got to my breaking point, and I quit. I feel good about my decision, but I am still very sad to be leaving a job that I love because one person has made it miserable for me.
I have an exit interview coming up with my boss's boss, and I'd really like to keep it together, but it's hard for me to talk about why I'm leaving without getting emotional. I want to tell them the truth though. Does anybody have any tips or tricks for talking about things that make you upset without crying? I really don't want them to dismiss me as a hysterical woman. |
Anonymous
| Practice your phrases ahead of time and detach, detach, detach. |
Anonymous
| Tell your boss' supervisor that you prefer to put your statement in writing and then email him what you just said. |
Anonymous
| Did you attempt to call attention to these issues while they were going on? W/ HR or with your boss' boss? Is that person already aware of the struggles your boss has caused? |
Anonymous
Yes. You don't HAVE to do an exit interview. - HR |
Anonymous
Not really. I have hinted around at the issues with my boss's boss before, and so many people have complained about my immediate boss over the years, but no action is ever taken. I tried to just deal with it until I couldn't anymore. Anyway, that ship has sailed, and I just want to get through the interview without breaking down. They really want to do an interview, not get a written statement, because they ask multiple questions with follow-ups. I suppose I could refuse to do the interview, but I like my boss's boss, and I don't want to burn a bridge with him. |
Anonymous
Yep, this seems important. However, what's done is done. You absolutely SHOULD put these things in writing. What I'd do in your case is basically write up some notes and share them in advance of your exit interview. That way, you both have to say LESS (and worry less about getting slightly off track) but you'll be assured the important points were covered whether or not you discuss them each specifically, which may make the discussion less stilted than if you were worried about getting in every last detail. I find it good to have my thoughts ultra organized anytime I am at risk for being emotional. Meantime, it's good to have this in writing. They'll probably watch this guy more closely. All this said, if an employee came to me with information like this after quitting, I'd wonder why she let it go on for so long without attempting to get a resolution that was short of quitting. However, maybe you did this already! So just prepared for them to ask why you never raised your concerns (that is, if you didn't). |
Anonymous
Okay, I just posted. Do both. Have written talking points that you can leave behind. This assures you that you will stay on track, and even if you get off track, you will have the notes to make sure your point gets across. When I try not to cry, I generally have to resort to physical tactics. I give my brain a small side-thing to concentrate on, like digging my fingernails into a palm (don't let them see you do this!) or moving one toe slowly. When I feel tears welling up, I stop for a nanosecond and focus only on the physical motions. I know this may sound crazy but it has gotten me through many things, including unmedicated labor of a sunny side up baby. It's just refocusing your attention. That said, look, if you do cry, it's NOT the end of the world. You're leaving a job you loved for six years. It's a huge thing, and a grieving process is expected. Yes, it stinks that you're a woman and therefore we're supposed to turn it all off at "work," but this is an extranormal situation. I think it's human, normal, and natural and SHOULD be expected that a person has grieving to do. I remember sitting in front of HR and complaining about a boss who had made my life hell (even stalked me, so we're not talking minor stuff) and I definitely got teary. I just kept talking through the tears, remembered that though my emotions were telling their own story, I was firm with keeping my own story to the professional and the job impact. I'ts fair, however, for you to briefly acknowledge the tears, tell HR, I apologize for showing my emotions and hope you understand it is a reflection of how deeply and personally committed to this job I've been for six years and how difficult it is for me to move on, especially under these circumstances." I'd say JUST that, or something like it. The worst they'll do is think you're a crying woman. But it's much more likely they'll be somewhat sympathetic. I would be. (And I'm number 2 at a medium sized organization now). Good luck! PS. My boss is also awful, so I understand that part of it, too. Sometimes you just have to get out. |
Anonymous
+1 Try a bullet point format. List three or four specific behaviors your boss demonstrated that were unprofessional or inappropriate. Under each, provide at least one example. Stick to observable facts. Do not include how you felt or how you reacted to them. Just what he did or said. Know that this is important. The company needs to know that he is a problem. Also, you're laying groundwork that will help your colleagues. Either your boss will clean up his act (voluntarily or under pressure from above), or others will complain about him later. When they do, there will at least be a prior record on file. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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HR again. Also OP, you won't get very far with "he was mean". As others say, you want to show concret examples of actions or behaviors that are clearly unacceptable and have a detrimental effect on the company. Can you give me a concrete example such as you would use in the discussion?
Also, I know you are saying you like the boss's boss so you don't want to skip the exit interview. But maybe you could delay it? If you simply email him/her and say that you are not up to it at this time but would like to follow up with him/her in the coming months, it gives you an excuse to reach out in a few months, have lunch, network a bit, and tell your story, hopefully without being as emotional. |
Anonymous
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I rely on Rachel from Friends, and just put it out there - "Now, I may cry..." and then I add, "and I apologize. I just feel very strongly about what we're discussing."
Agree with 12:27 that you must show clearcut examples of how the boss's meanness and sexist attitude had a detrimental effect on the company. BTW, OP, when my boss made a comment about my body, I emailed him the next morning asking that he never do it again, and he replied agreeing it was wrong and that he wouldn't, and I saved that email. For proof, if ever needed. |
Anonymous
| Remember that the exit interview is purely for the benefit of the company you are leaving and their information. Whether you cry or not isn't really to your disadvantage or even relevant (except for your personal feelings). Why not cry? Why not sing, why not do anything you want? Perform an interpretive dance if you feel like it! |
Anonymous
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I would just keep it simple with Yes and No answer. Exit interview is not the place to file grievances.
I will not talk crap about the boss either. Exit interview is not a therapy session. Just let it go and move on. |
Anonymous
| don't say anything on the exit interview unless it's positive. |
Anonymous
Untrue! I want to know an employee's honest experience with the company. We are not able to pay high salaries so if our employees are showing dissatisfaction over something, I want to know. Yes, I DO want to know it before they decide to leave, but I also want to know what it is about our environment might be driving folks away. This is very relevant to HR and the company and it is not a self-serving bitch session, it's important information that will help the company, one that OP obviously cared about at one point, avoid future pitfalls. |