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[quote=Anonymous]This has been troubling me for years, and I don't know what to do about it, if anything.  I am hoping that people can offer opinions or advice.  
My sister married a divorced father of a little girl.  The little girl is now 9. The divorce was not amicable. (We all suspect that there may have been something going on between my sister and her now-husband while he was still married to his ex, but we're not sure, and she of course insists that they got together only after he was divorced).  Anyway, my sister hates, hates, hates the ex-wife and, by extension, I feel that she hates the poor daughter. The way the daughter is treated is heart-breaking. She does not live with my sister and her dad full-time (thank god). My sister always complains to me about the daughter, but even worse, she will say inappropriate things directly to the daughter. For example: When daughter does something that my sister thinks is stupid or absent-minded, my sister will say "That was stupid; that's something [girl's mother's name] would do." Also, when my sister was pregnant a few years back, she actually said to the daughter, "if we have a girl, we're going to name her 'Better [daughter's name]'." She says such things in a semi-joking way, but the real meaning is there.  Just today on the phone, my sister told me that the daughter "brings such misery to our household that I cannot be my best as a mother to MY child when she is around." Now that my sister has her own child with her husband, I feel she wants to push the other child out of the picture completely.

These are just a few examples; it's truly horrible in my opinion, what is being said and done to this little girl.  And I must add that every time I have spent time with that girl, I have seen nothing but a delightful, friendly, funny, polite little girl. She is a fabulous and doting older sister to my sister's child. From what I have seen, she is nothing like the monster she is made out to be by my sister.

The little girl is having problems with grades at school, and can't focus well in class.  They say she may have some kind of attention disorder (of course, my sister blames this on the girl's mother's horrible genes, but actually the girl's father has the same tendencies -- can't sit still for a minute, easily distracted -- but somehow my sister doesn't see that!).  The daughter is also seeing a mental health counselor.  I truly believe that the dysfunction in the family, specifically the way that she is being treated by my sister, is contributing to the issues that the child is having in school.

I really believe that my sister is being emotionally abusive to this child, at the very least.  In the past I have gently tried to express this to my sister, and she blows up, saying that I have no idea what I'm talking about, I don't really know the child, etc. etc.  I don't want to alienate her, but I feel like I am failing this child by idly sitting by while all of this happens -- worse, when my sister says something mean to her in my presence, I feel absolutely horrible and don't know what to say. I want to speak up, but it would enrage my sister. I feel like by not saying anything, I am sending the message to the child that I am okay with the way she is being treated (which isn't the case). The girl's father (my sister's husband) is hard to read...his feelings about it seem to go all over the place...sometimes he thinks my sister is being too hard on the child; other times he agrees with her...but any time he expresses disagreement with my sister, my sister will blow up at him, too, and basically just wear him down with her arguments and evidence why she is right and he is wrong.

I'm sorry that this is long, and thank you for reading it - any advice? I actually have been toying with the idea of making a confidential call to the therapist that the child is seeing (my sister dropped the name once on the phone with me) to share my concerns and let her know what I have observed...because the daughter is so eager to please my sister and her dad, I am pretty sure that she is not speaking up in therapy about this. My sister's husband has, on one occasion, said to me something like "your sister is really tough!" and I did take that opportunity to tell him that he needs to tell her that she can't do and say these things. But, I don't think it really made a difference. Thanks in advance.[/quote]

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