Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, [b]pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample[/b].

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

This is the opposite of my experience. It seems that poor people have the awareness of others to do these kind acts for others and people with means lack this same awareness to be bothered.

Have to laugh at the bolded. So far as I know only women can be pregnant. Why not write pregnant women?

Lots of people say "pregnant people." They like the alliteration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

This is the opposite of my experience. It seems that poor people have the awareness of others to do these kind acts for others and people with means lack this same awareness to be bothered.

Not PP, but I have noticed that struggling, inept people are often hyper competitive, smug and try to act superior. They take their problems out on other people. It is not so much a "poor" thing, as an inadequate thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just out of interest, I'm from the UK and so I eat "Continental" style (which I assume means knife in one hand, fork in the other, cutting and eating as you go?) Is this style of eating considered lower class or bad manners in the US? I'm not planning to change, just interested! Where I'm from, I'd say the US style is considered either bad manners or, if the person doing it is American, then it would be excused as "American", but still not considered the proper way to eat. Interesting, I think, because I think it highlights that the really important aspects of class and manners are in how to treat other people, and that is probably international and universal, although there are differences as to what is considered courteous and polite in different cultures. But table manners are very cultural - e.g. the way one would eat in Japan and appropriate table manners are very different to those in Europe and the US

My parents are Indian, and so I was taught British table manners including keeping my knife in my right hand. I'm not PP, but I think there's a difference between eating slowly and how you use your knife. It sounds like the issue is not the hand he's using for his knife, but the fact that he's shoveling food in his mouth. My completely anecdotal experience is that British people eat slowly, more like Americans. British people don't come across as poorly mannered because of this. But Europeans eat much faster, which does appear a little rude by American standards.

I noticed just the opposite, that Americans tend to eat very efficiently, so very quickly, making the other nationalities feel a bit uncomfortable: "am I eating too slowly?".

This really depends on the individual. I often eat with groups of other nationalities, mostly European, overseas, and I notice I am usually the last to finish a course. But it happens with Americans as well.

Scrutinizing table manners to the minutia is poor class and low class.

Picking one's teeth or nose at the table, blowing one's nose at the table, licking ones fingers, chewing with your mouth wide open (without regard), anything blatantly rude is all that really matters. Use common sense, or at least pretend to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are some little things that I notice:

(1) When someone walks in a room and you're sitting down, you stand up to greet them.

(2) When you are taking a food item (even a cookie off of a plate) at a school or work function, you use tongs. (You don't just touch the cookie directly.)

(3) You eat slowly and take small bites.

(4) You have a lot of emotional intelligence -- greet people warmly, show a genuine interest in people, ask questions, etc.

(5) You have good orthodontics and take good care of your teeth.

(6) You do not lick your fingers when eating.

(7) Here's one that I'm having a had time teaching my kids -- When eating something with your hands (like a sandwich, burger, or pizza), you put the item down between bites and wipe your mouth with a napkin. You do not hold the food item continuously until you're done with it. And after wiping your mouth, you would ideally ask your dinner companion a question about their day or something of interest to them. Then, while listening to their answer, you can pick up the food item and continue eating it.

x10000

EVER.

[Anonymous]

PP here - also inappropriate to belch or flatulate loudly at the table. Most people know this.

[Anonymous]

http://makeagif.com/gif/odd-mom-out-nobread-ueYgFZ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often find a correlation with the wealthier people are, the stingier and less gracious they are.

+1. They didn't get rich by giving away their money.

Not really true. I think sometimes those that are wealthy are wise with their money and aren't throwing it away ton stupid stuff. That's different from being less gracious and stingy. I can be frugal and very gracious.

If you consider buying your nieces and nephews Christmas presents "throwing your money away on stupid stuff", then we have very different priorities.

[Anonymous]

You are weird OP. Insecure too it seems.

[Anonymous]

this is a weird question, teaching your child good manners doesn't have anything to do with class or money. I came from a poor immigrant family and know not to fart at the dinner table...you can enroll your child in some after school activities (which by the way are open to people of all backgrounds/classes), then they'll be fine, make friends, etc. You should work on raising your kid to be a good person, empathetic to others, open to all cultures and not worry about raising an upper middle class kid...

[Anonymous]

My son can't swim and there's a lot of children in poorer families who can. I think it's just your perspective vs reality. Swimming is a good skill to have though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I grew up extremely working class (to put it kindly), and even after years of living UMC, I feel like there's a code I've yet to crack and there are constantly things that I didn't grow up with and have never really thought about in terms of how I'm parenting my kids.

For instance, on a recent thread about weight, someone was talking about having the advantage of growing up with a mother who worked out regularly, bought fresh food and made from-scratch healthy meals as part of the reason it was easier for her to stay thin -- those habits had been ingrained in her from an early age and weren't a struggle to develop as an adult. My mother was a single parent to two children, she worked full time and was barely able to make ends meet, our meals were whatever was on sale at the grocery store (things like hamburger helper, ramen and rice-a-roni were frequently on sale for 19 cents a box, so we ate a lot of that) and fresh produce was usually too expensive, and there was no money for a gym membership or exercise equipment, nor was their childcare for her to even just go for a speed walk around the neighborhood without two small kids following so she never really exercised. I know about healthy nutrition and the benefits of exercise, but I'd never really thought about the extent to which I was impacting my kids' future health in terms of what habits they would take into their futures. I figured that if I made sure there were protein and veggies on their plates they were getting good food and hadn't thought before about how prioritizing exercise in my schedule (because I have the luxury of doing that in a way my mother never had) would teach my kids about prioritizing exercise. It's not that people in lower classes can't know and teach these things, but the reality is that they tend to be very tied to class status. Obviously I don't want my kids to struggle the way I have, so I need to take some of my resources and improve my lifestyle for them.

I don't have a whole lot of advice for how to get over it. I tend to follow stuff on DCUM a lot because I feel like, for all the negative attitude, I have actually learned a lot about the "right" way to be from this place. I do a lot of asking casual questions to figure out what I should be doing (e.g., once I realized that camp registration starts in January, I started asking other parents in January, "So, what camps are you looking at for the summer?" Not to copy what they're doing, but to help figure out what's out there and what's typical). If we're at someone's house, I try to take quiet notice of what's in their pantries or what kinds of toys are around. I'm not snooping, just trying to pick up cues. It's hard to feel like I fit in.

I didn't not read this entire thread.

Thank you for your brave honesty. I am a single mother in Alexandria in a very similar situation, and while I expose my child to experiences in ALL classes, I too want to understand the difference in opportunities as I continue to evolve. Thanks for your transparency and beautiful articulation of something that I can relate to nearly verbatim.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is a weird question, teaching your child good manners doesn't have anything to do with class or money. I came from a poor immigrant family and know not to fart at the dinner table...you can enroll your child in some after school activities (which by the way are open to people of all backgrounds/classes), then they'll be fine, make friends, etc. You should work on raising your kid to be a good person, empathetic to others, open to all cultures and not worry about raising an upper middle class kid...

2AM PP here.

Again, I did not read the entire thread. And I have had a glass or two of vino. Anyway, my objective response without reading prior opinions may work to an advantage in sharing my personal response to the OP's question. "Good manners" doesn't seem to be the concern from OP; rather, it seemed that OP sought guidance on "Social Etiquette" for a class being transitioned to without prior exposure.

To me, OP is seeking well intentioned input on the social cues necessary to feel comfortable in a class with friends and acquaintances with vast differences, but not allowing it to impede upon future opportunities for cohesive elevation. To put it Frank-ly (or Francine-like, if you prefer), OP does not want to stick out like a sore thumb, work in vain, and limit opportunities for her growing children to continue to push through (generational) glass ceilings.

:o)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread.

A couple PPs mentioned avoiding toys with batteries, which I agree with, but I'd also add "no play guns". Nothing advertises a lower-class background more than a bunch of kids running around the house shooting at each other.

However, at the appropriate age, hunting as an introduction is appropriate, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son can't swim and there's a lot of children in poorer families who can. I think it's just your perspective vs reality. Swimming is a good skill to have though.

Not to say all poor kids cannot swim, but the ability in which I see children swimming at my country club is very different from the way that I see children swimming at the public pools. I think that is what OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

This thread is ridiculous. These are behaviors ANYBODY should emulate. You do not need money to be courteous and well groomed. Plenty of lower middle and poor kids stand up for pregnant women and swim and eat properly.

To think good manners is an expression of wealth is a ridiculous attitude. Also, trying to "look" upper middle class is a disingenuine reason to embrace those behaviors.