If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

So, this is dumb. If sex is that big a deal to you that you feel you need to cheat if you can’t have sex with your partner, then you should divide everything up so you can both live your lives separately. It is rude and insulting to your spouse to stay in a marriage where you are so unhappy you need to cheat just so you don’t have to “divide up your net worth.”

Come on, be an adult.

It's more complex than that. What if he doesn't want to split up either, say, while his very Catholic parents are still alive? What if he's happy that I do 75% of the household work, lazy enough that he's willing to look the other way while I have my needs met so long as I don't upset his apple cart?

If he is willing to look away, as in you have had the discussion and told him you are going to seek it elsewhere, that is not cheating. That is an open marriage.

If you are conveniently assuming he is willing to look away when you are not certain, that is cheating.

He discovered some evidence of me cheating and chose not to confront me. How does this gray area fit into your analysis?

You cheated. That's like saying you beat up your spouse, and they chose to ignore so it is a gray area. Nothing gray about that.

NP. No, it is not the same. Are you young? I just can’t figure out you people who think marriage is black and white. Marriage is a commitment including a commitment to stay in it, good and bad. Do I want my partner to cheat? Of course not. But if I wasn’t able or willing to have sex for a long period of time, and I knew he was struggling with it, I would not begrudge him a dalliance as long as our marriage and family remained his first priority… but dear lord, I don’t need to know about it.

That worked out so well for Bill and Melinda Gates. Or for Bill and Hillary Clinton 🙄.

If marriage is his first priority, he will have an honest conversation with you first because he knows the marriage is more important than the sex. And even if the marriage were to fail after that conversation, he knows that respect and relationship with his family is more important than the sex. But when sex is the first priority, one seeks sex first and then asks for forgiveness from everyone who is hurt in the thrill seeking But then it's never enough for people who make sex their first priority. They will make it their priority over the dignity of the presidency. They will make it their priority over the imorality of dealing with pedophiles. They will make it their priority over 5M dollar coaching contracts.

Cheaters are sex addicts.

You do realize we know nothing about these marriages, right? It obviously did work out for the Clintons as they’re still together and by any estimates, have had a full life together- good and bad- that is unimaginably rich (in the emotional and intellectual sense, not just $ but they have that too).

And gates- seems like it was Epstein that broke them up, not cheating. But again, we have no idea. And I’m not crying for Melinda gates either.

Ewwww. Can we claim a marriage where a woman is physically abused could have worked because the woman did not leave? There is no much difference in the Clinton's case.

Sleeping with a young intern when you are almost 50 in the most important office in the country is nasty and predatory behavior.

Why do you think Bill went to Epstein? He wanted more sex. He had cheated and it was not enough. Not crying for Melinda Gates or even Hillary Clinton for that matter. These are phenomenal women living their lives. It does not change the fact that they were married to nasty sex addicts who put sex above their everything( STD for Meinda? Ewww). That's not a valuable marriage. There is no point in pretending to be attracted to a predator. That part of their lives was ( for Melinda) and is ( for Hillary ) sad and pathetic, no matter how " rich" the rest is.

If these couples were actually open about the sexual needs of each other and opening about solutions, perhaps there could have been accountability, responsibility around an open marriage. But most of these types have a DADT and the addicted spouse keeps pushing the boundaries further and further until they get caught in predatory territory.

Again you have no idea what went on in these marriages. Hillary might have cheated too but obviously they decided to stay together. Most mature people understand there is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex. These are two brilliant ambitious people who clearly love each other and have built a life together. Who are you to judge why they stayed together?? You sound like an idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

So, this is dumb. If sex is that big a deal to you that you feel you need to cheat if you can’t have sex with your partner, then you should divide everything up so you can both live your lives separately. It is rude and insulting to your spouse to stay in a marriage where you are so unhappy you need to cheat just so you don’t have to “divide up your net worth.”

Come on, be an adult.

It's more complex than that. What if he doesn't want to split up either, say, while his very Catholic parents are still alive? What if he's happy that I do 75% of the household work, lazy enough that he's willing to look the other way while I have my needs met so long as I don't upset his apple cart?

If he is willing to look away, as in you have had the discussion and told him you are going to seek it elsewhere, that is not cheating. That is an open marriage.

If you are conveniently assuming he is willing to look away when you are not certain, that is cheating.

He discovered some evidence of me cheating and chose not to confront me. How does this gray area fit into your analysis?

You cheated. That's like saying you beat up your spouse, and they chose to ignore so it is a gray area. Nothing gray about that.

NP. No, it is not the same. Are you young? I just can’t figure out you people who think marriage is black and white. Marriage is a commitment including a commitment to stay in it, good and bad. Do I want my partner to cheat? Of course not. But if I wasn’t able or willing to have sex for a long period of time, and I knew he was struggling with it, I would not begrudge him a dalliance as long as our marriage and family remained his first priority… but dear lord, I don’t need to know about it.

That worked out so well for Bill and Melinda Gates. Or for Bill and Hillary Clinton 🙄.

If marriage is his first priority, he will have an honest conversation with you first because he knows the marriage is more important than the sex. And even if the marriage were to fail after that conversation, he knows that respect and relationship with his family is more important than the sex. But when sex is the first priority, one seeks sex first and then asks for forgiveness from everyone who is hurt in the thrill seeking But then it's never enough for people who make sex their first priority. They will make it their priority over the dignity of the presidency. They will make it their priority over the imorality of dealing with pedophiles. They will make it their priority over 5M dollar coaching contracts.

Cheaters are sex addicts.

You do realize we know nothing about these marriages, right? It obviously did work out for the Clintons as they’re still together and by any estimates, have had a full life together- good and bad- that is unimaginably rich (in the emotional and intellectual sense, not just $ but they have that too).

And gates- seems like it was Epstein that broke them up, not cheating. But again, we have no idea. And I’m not crying for Melinda gates either.

Ewwww. Can we claim a marriage where a woman is physically abused could have worked because the woman did not leave? There is no much difference in the Clinton's case.

Sleeping with a young intern when you are almost 50 in the most important office in the country is nasty and predatory behavior.

Why do you think Bill went to Epstein? He wanted more sex. He had cheated and it was not enough. Not crying for Melinda Gates or even Hillary Clinton for that matter. These are phenomenal women living their lives. It does not change the fact that they were married to nasty sex addicts who put sex above their everything( STD for Meinda? Ewww). That's not a valuable marriage. There is no point in pretending to be attracted to a predator. That part of their lives was ( for Melinda) and is ( for Hillary ) sad and pathetic, no matter how " rich" the rest is.

If these couples were actually open about the sexual needs of each other and opening about solutions, perhaps there could have been accountability, responsibility around an open marriage. But most of these types have a DADT and the addicted spouse keeps pushing the boundaries further and further until they get caught in predatory territory.

Again you have no idea what went on in these marriages. Hillary might have cheated too but obviously they decided to stay together. Most mature people understand there is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex. These are two brilliant ambitious people who clearly love each other and have built a life together. Who are you to judge why they stayed together?? You sound like an idiot

Brilliance does not erase abuse, addiction, and predation.

You can be a brilliant sexual deviant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him that if he steps out briefly, you will be okay with it? If you did not you are effectively enabling your husband to learn how to lie to you about where he is, who he is with, and whether he needs to be tested if you one day decide to be intimate again. These lying and deceiving habits tend to extend beyond one affair.

If you did tell him, I agree with your view of marriage. Otherwise, it's a short lived issue until he impregnates another woman or gives you an STD. I bet you Melinda thought Bill's affairs where short-lived issues until he went to Epstein.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

So, this is dumb. If sex is that big a deal to you that you feel you need to cheat if you can’t have sex with your partner, then you should divide everything up so you can both live your lives separately. It is rude and insulting to your spouse to stay in a marriage where you are so unhappy you need to cheat just so you don’t have to “divide up your net worth.”

Come on, be an adult.

It's more complex than that. What if he doesn't want to split up either, say, while his very Catholic parents are still alive? What if he's happy that I do 75% of the household work, lazy enough that he's willing to look the other way while I have my needs met so long as I don't upset his apple cart?

If he is willing to look away, as in you have had the discussion and told him you are going to seek it elsewhere, that is not cheating. That is an open marriage.

If you are conveniently assuming he is willing to look away when you are not certain, that is cheating.

He discovered some evidence of me cheating and chose not to confront me. How does this gray area fit into your analysis?

You cheated. That's like saying you beat up your spouse, and they chose to ignore so it is a gray area. Nothing gray about that.

NP. No, it is not the same. Are you young? I just can’t figure out you people who think marriage is black and white. Marriage is a commitment including a commitment to stay in it, good and bad. Do I want my partner to cheat? Of course not. But if I wasn’t able or willing to have sex for a long period of time, and I knew he was struggling with it, I would not begrudge him a dalliance as long as our marriage and family remained his first priority… but dear lord, I don’t need to know about it.

That worked out so well for Bill and Melinda Gates. Or for Bill and Hillary Clinton 🙄.

If marriage is his first priority, he will have an honest conversation with you first because he knows the marriage is more important than the sex. And even if the marriage were to fail after that conversation, he knows that respect and relationship with his family is more important than the sex. But when sex is the first priority, one seeks sex first and then asks for forgiveness from everyone who is hurt in the thrill seeking But then it's never enough for people who make sex their first priority. They will make it their priority over the dignity of the presidency. They will make it their priority over the imorality of dealing with pedophiles. They will make it their priority over 5M dollar coaching contracts.

Cheaters are sex addicts.

You do realize we know nothing about these marriages, right? It obviously did work out for the Clintons as they’re still together and by any estimates, have had a full life together- good and bad- that is unimaginably rich (in the emotional and intellectual sense, not just $ but they have that too).

And gates- seems like it was Epstein that broke them up, not cheating. But again, we have no idea. And I’m not crying for Melinda gates either.

Ewwww. Can we claim a marriage where a woman is physically abused could have worked because the woman did not leave? There is no much difference in the Clinton's case.

Sleeping with a young intern when you are almost 50 in the most important office in the country is nasty and predatory behavior.

Why do you think Bill went to Epstein? He wanted more sex. He had cheated and it was not enough. Not crying for Melinda Gates or even Hillary Clinton for that matter. These are phenomenal women living their lives. It does not change the fact that they were married to nasty sex addicts who put sex above their everything( STD for Meinda? Ewww). That's not a valuable marriage. There is no point in pretending to be attracted to a predator. That part of their lives was ( for Melinda) and is ( for Hillary ) sad and pathetic, no matter how " rich" the rest is.

If these couples were actually open about the sexual needs of each other and opening about solutions, perhaps there could have been accountability, responsibility around an open marriage. But most of these types have a DADT and the addicted spouse keeps pushing the boundaries further and further until they get caught in predatory territory.

Again you have no idea what went on in these marriages. Hillary might have cheated too but obviously they decided to stay together. Most mature people understand there is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex. These are two brilliant ambitious people who clearly love each other and have built a life together. Who are you to judge why they stayed together?? You sound like an idiot

There is indeed a lot more to marriage than sex. And sex does not have to include sleeping with an intern in your office and home. Again, it's nasty, predatory, deviant behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Fully endorse this statement. The people trying to make this some epic battle between "no sex" people and "sex" people are doing a really good job of illustrating the many ways that the problems in their marriage have nothing to do with sex, but with communication, respect, problem solving skills, empathy, and in many cases, logic.

When you view your own dissatisfaction with your sex life as something your partner is doing *to* you, instead of just a problem you are BOTH dealing with and must find a way to resolve together, you will poison your marriage. No one is saying that a person who wants to have sex should be forced into lifetime celibacy. We're saying that if sex is an issue, talk about it, keep some humor and empathy, and see if you can work out something that works for you both. Consider that your partner's happiness is just as important as yours, and really consider what it means to be in the position of feeling like sex is just not something you can consent to at this point in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

So, this is dumb. If sex is that big a deal to you that you feel you need to cheat if you can’t have sex with your partner, then you should divide everything up so you can both live your lives separately. It is rude and insulting to your spouse to stay in a marriage where you are so unhappy you need to cheat just so you don’t have to “divide up your net worth.”

Come on, be an adult.

It's more complex than that. What if he doesn't want to split up either, say, while his very Catholic parents are still alive? What if he's happy that I do 75% of the household work, lazy enough that he's willing to look the other way while I have my needs met so long as I don't upset his apple cart?

If he is willing to look away, as in you have had the discussion and told him you are going to seek it elsewhere, that is not cheating. That is an open marriage.

If you are conveniently assuming he is willing to look away when you are not certain, that is cheating.

He discovered some evidence of me cheating and chose not to confront me. How does this gray area fit into your analysis?

You cheated. That's like saying you beat up your spouse, and they chose to ignore so it is a gray area. Nothing gray about that.

NP. No, it is not the same. Are you young? I just can’t figure out you people who think marriage is black and white. Marriage is a commitment including a commitment to stay in it, good and bad. Do I want my partner to cheat? Of course not. But if I wasn’t able or willing to have sex for a long period of time, and I knew he was struggling with it, I would not begrudge him a dalliance as long as our marriage and family remained his first priority… but dear lord, I don’t need to know about it.

That worked out so well for Bill and Melinda Gates. Or for Bill and Hillary Clinton 🙄.

If marriage is his first priority, he will have an honest conversation with you first because he knows the marriage is more important than the sex. And even if the marriage were to fail after that conversation, he knows that respect and relationship with his family is more important than the sex. But when sex is the first priority, one seeks sex first and then asks for forgiveness from everyone who is hurt in the thrill seeking But then it's never enough for people who make sex their first priority. They will make it their priority over the dignity of the presidency. They will make it their priority over the imorality of dealing with pedophiles. They will make it their priority over 5M dollar coaching contracts.

Cheaters are sex addicts.

You do realize we know nothing about these marriages, right? It obviously did work out for the Clintons as they’re still together and by any estimates, have had a full life together- good and bad- that is unimaginably rich (in the emotional and intellectual sense, not just $ but they have that too).

And gates- seems like it was Epstein that broke them up, not cheating. But again, we have no idea. And I’m not crying for Melinda gates either.

Ewwww. Can we claim a marriage where a woman is physically abused could have worked because the woman did not leave? There is no much difference in the Clinton's case.

Sleeping with a young intern when you are almost 50 in the most important office in the country is nasty and predatory behavior.

Why do you think Bill went to Epstein? He wanted more sex. He had cheated and it was not enough. Not crying for Melinda Gates or even Hillary Clinton for that matter. These are phenomenal women living their lives. It does not change the fact that they were married to nasty sex addicts who put sex above their everything( STD for Meinda? Ewww). That's not a valuable marriage. There is no point in pretending to be attracted to a predator. That part of their lives was ( for Melinda) and is ( for Hillary ) sad and pathetic, no matter how " rich" the rest is.

If these couples were actually open about the sexual needs of each other and opening about solutions, perhaps there could have been accountability, responsibility around an open marriage. But most of these types have a DADT and the addicted spouse keeps pushing the boundaries further and further until they get caught in predatory territory.

Again you have no idea what went on in these marriages. Hillary might have cheated too but obviously they decided to stay together. Most mature people understand there is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex. These are two brilliant ambitious people who clearly love each other and have built a life together. Who are you to judge why they stayed together?? You sound like an idiot

Brilliance does not erase abuse, addiction, and predation.

You can be a brilliant sexual deviant.

You sound mentally ill. Clearly they’re happy with the choices they made. Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

Np. People do marry for sex along with many other things like companionship, building a life together etc. if you and your spouse are okay with a celibate marriage then that’s perfectly fine as that’s your choice. But that choice cannot be forced upon others. According to your logic people should be okay when their spouses give them silent treatment everyday, since before marriage and even after marriage they had and have other people to talk to.

If you think celibacy is worse than lying and gaslighting your spouse, and exposing your spouse to risks of contracting STDs, which is what cheating entails, you are a sex addict. Celibacy is so much better than being a lying coward.

If you cannot be celibate, that is okay. Have a conversation with your spouse. Tell them you are going to be sleeping with others. Tell them you still want to be married, but you cannot do it without sex outside of it since they are no longer having sex with you. If they cannot agree to this, DIVORCE. Don't hide behind your kids while making their parent go crazy thinking they are imagining things. That is not love fir your kids-- that is narcissistic behavior.

I am the NP u responded to. Where in my post did I mention any of the bolded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him that if he steps out briefly, you will be okay with it? If you did not you are effectively enabling your husband to learn how to lie to you about where he is, who he is with, and whether he needs to be tested if you one day decide to be intimate again. These lying and deceiving habits tend to extend beyond one affair.

If you did tell him, I agree with your view of marriage. Otherwise, it's a short lived issue until he impregnates another woman or gives you an STD. I bet you Melinda thought Bill's affairs where short-lived issues until he went to Epstein.

I can tell my dh whatever I choose to tell him. You can’t control that or decide that. You understand that, right? Seems like you don’t.

You also seem obsessed with STDs. It’s a weird focus given we are discussing couples not having regular sex. You clearly have some personal axe to grind on the topic of being cheated on, and can’t separate it in a way that allows you to have a mature, intelligent discussion

Maybe time for therapy. The grownups can talk now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

Np. People do marry for sex along with many other things like companionship, building a life together etc. if you and your spouse are okay with a celibate marriage then that’s perfectly fine as that’s your choice. But that choice cannot be forced upon others. According to your logic people should be okay when their spouses give them silent treatment everyday, since before marriage and even after marriage they had and have other people to talk to.

If you think celibacy is worse than lying and gaslighting your spouse, and exposing your spouse to risks of contracting STDs, which is what cheating entails, you are a sex addict. Celibacy is so much better than being a lying coward.

If you cannot be celibate, that is okay. Have a conversation with your spouse. Tell them you are going to be sleeping with others. Tell them you still want to be married, but you cannot do it without sex outside of it since they are no longer having sex with you. If they cannot agree to this, DIVORCE. Don't hide behind your kids while making their parent go crazy thinking they are imagining things. That is not love fir your kids-- that is narcissistic behavior.

I am the NP u responded to. Where in my post did I mention any of the bolded?

DP. You didn’t but this poster is rabid and unhinged on this topic and can’t have a mature discussion. She/he also seems to think she can tell married people what to do, and decide if their marriage is happy or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him that if he steps out briefly, you will be okay with it? If you did not you are effectively enabling your husband to learn how to lie to you about where he is, who he is with, and whether he needs to be tested if you one day decide to be intimate again. These lying and deceiving habits tend to extend beyond one affair.

If you did tell him, I agree with your view of marriage. Otherwise, it's a short lived issue until he impregnates another woman or gives you an STD. I bet you Melinda thought Bill's affairs where short-lived issues until he went to Epstein.

I can tell my dh whatever I choose to tell him. You can’t control that or decide that. You understand that, right? Seems like you don’t.

You also seem obsessed with STDs. It’s a weird focus given we are discussing couples not having regular sex. You clearly have some personal axe to grind on the topic of being cheated on, and can’t separate it in a way that allows you to have a mature, intelligent discussion

Maybe time for therapy. The grownups can talk now

Nice to see you dodged the question on whether your "marathon" is built on honesty, but you chose to respond anyway. Do you feel compelled to continue the discussion as you feel compelled to continue your "marathon" marriage even if you have to lie and sneak around like a bunch of starved children? Lol. You sure can tell your poor DH whatever. I can imagine him feeling guilty and sneaking around like a dog when his wife could have told him it's okay. Talk about a marathon. Yikes!

STDs are real, honey. I have never had one, thank goodness. Go read up on them. It's ironic that you think you are an adult but you think speculating on whether someone has had an STD is an insult or closing argument. Even teenagers don't joke about STDs. You are childish.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

So, this is dumb. If sex is that big a deal to you that you feel you need to cheat if you can’t have sex with your partner, then you should divide everything up so you can both live your lives separately. It is rude and insulting to your spouse to stay in a marriage where you are so unhappy you need to cheat just so you don’t have to “divide up your net worth.”

Come on, be an adult.

It's more complex than that. What if he doesn't want to split up either, say, while his very Catholic parents are still alive? What if he's happy that I do 75% of the household work, lazy enough that he's willing to look the other way while I have my needs met so long as I don't upset his apple cart?

If he is willing to look away, as in you have had the discussion and told him you are going to seek it elsewhere, that is not cheating. That is an open marriage.

If you are conveniently assuming he is willing to look away when you are not certain, that is cheating.

He discovered some evidence of me cheating and chose not to confront me. How does this gray area fit into your analysis?

You cheated. That's like saying you beat up your spouse, and they chose to ignore so it is a gray area. Nothing gray about that.

NP. No, it is not the same. Are you young? I just can’t figure out you people who think marriage is black and white. Marriage is a commitment including a commitment to stay in it, good and bad. Do I want my partner to cheat? Of course not. But if I wasn’t able or willing to have sex for a long period of time, and I knew he was struggling with it, I would not begrudge him a dalliance as long as our marriage and family remained his first priority… but dear lord, I don’t need to know about it.

That worked out so well for Bill and Melinda Gates. Or for Bill and Hillary Clinton 🙄.

If marriage is his first priority, he will have an honest conversation with you first because he knows the marriage is more important than the sex. And even if the marriage were to fail after that conversation, he knows that respect and relationship with his family is more important than the sex. But when sex is the first priority, one seeks sex first and then asks for forgiveness from everyone who is hurt in the thrill seeking But then it's never enough for people who make sex their first priority. They will make it their priority over the dignity of the presidency. They will make it their priority over the imorality of dealing with pedophiles. They will make it their priority over 5M dollar coaching contracts.

Cheaters are sex addicts.

You do realize we know nothing about these marriages, right? It obviously did work out for the Clintons as they’re still together and by any estimates, have had a full life together- good and bad- that is unimaginably rich (in the emotional and intellectual sense, not just $ but they have that too).

And gates- seems like it was Epstein that broke them up, not cheating. But again, we have no idea. And I’m not crying for Melinda gates either.

Ewwww. Can we claim a marriage where a woman is physically abused could have worked because the woman did not leave? There is no much difference in the Clinton's case.

Sleeping with a young intern when you are almost 50 in the most important office in the country is nasty and predatory behavior.

Why do you think Bill went to Epstein? He wanted more sex. He had cheated and it was not enough. Not crying for Melinda Gates or even Hillary Clinton for that matter. These are phenomenal women living their lives. It does not change the fact that they were married to nasty sex addicts who put sex above their everything( STD for Meinda? Ewww). That's not a valuable marriage. There is no point in pretending to be attracted to a predator. That part of their lives was ( for Melinda) and is ( for Hillary ) sad and pathetic, no matter how " rich" the rest is.

If these couples were actually open about the sexual needs of each other and opening about solutions, perhaps there could have been accountability, responsibility around an open marriage. But most of these types have a DADT and the addicted spouse keeps pushing the boundaries further and further until they get caught in predatory territory.

Again you have no idea what went on in these marriages. Hillary might have cheated too but obviously they decided to stay together. Most mature people understand there is a hell of a lot more to marriage than sex. These are two brilliant ambitious people who clearly love each other and have built a life together. Who are you to judge why they stayed together?? You sound like an idiot

Brilliance does not erase abuse, addiction, and predation.

You can be a brilliant sexual deviant.

You sound mentally ill. Clearly they’re happy with the choices they made. Why do you care?

Here you are responding eventhough you don't care...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

Np. People do marry for sex along with many other things like companionship, building a life together etc. if you and your spouse are okay with a celibate marriage then that’s perfectly fine as that’s your choice. But that choice cannot be forced upon others. According to your logic people should be okay when their spouses give them silent treatment everyday, since before marriage and even after marriage they had and have other people to talk to.

If you think celibacy is worse than lying and gaslighting your spouse, and exposing your spouse to risks of contracting STDs, which is what cheating entails, you are a sex addict. Celibacy is so much better than being a lying coward.

If you cannot be celibate, that is okay. Have a conversation with your spouse. Tell them you are going to be sleeping with others. Tell them you still want to be married, but you cannot do it without sex outside of it since they are no longer having sex with you. If they cannot agree to this, DIVORCE. Don't hide behind your kids while making their parent go crazy thinking they are imagining things. That is not love fir your kids-- that is narcissistic behavior.

I am the NP u responded to. Where in my post did I mention any of the bolded?

Go back and read NP. You read my response to a thread with several responses, ignored context, and then you got triggered by the possibility that " celibacy" ( your choice of words) might be an option for some. Why does celibacy trigger you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him that if he steps out briefly, you will be okay with it? If you did not you are effectively enabling your husband to learn how to lie to you about where he is, who he is with, and whether he needs to be tested if you one day decide to be intimate again. These lying and deceiving habits tend to extend beyond one affair.

If you did tell him, I agree with your view of marriage. Otherwise, it's a short lived issue until he impregnates another woman or gives you an STD. I bet you Melinda thought Bill's affairs where short-lived issues until he went to Epstein.

I can tell my dh whatever I choose to tell him. You can’t control that or decide that. You understand that, right? Seems like you don’t.

You also seem obsessed with STDs. It’s a weird focus given we are discussing couples not having regular sex. You clearly have some personal axe to grind on the topic of being cheated on, and can’t separate it in a way that allows you to have a mature, intelligent discussion

Maybe time for therapy. The grownups can talk now

Nice to see you dodged the question on whether your "marathon" is built on honesty, but you chose to respond anyway. Do you feel compelled to continue the discussion as you feel compelled to continue your "marathon" marriage even if you have to lie and sneak around like a bunch of starved children? Lol. You sure can tell your poor DH whatever. I can imagine him feeling guilty and sneaking around like a dog when his wife could have told him it's okay. Talk about a marathon. Yikes!

STDs are real, honey. I have never had one, thank goodness. Go read up on them. It's ironic that you think you are an adult but you think speculating on whether someone has had an STD is an insult or closing argument. Even teenagers don't joke about STDs. You are childish.

Not going to continue arguing with you, but it’s clear from the way you write (‘honey’ makes YOU sound trashy, fyi) and focus on STDs that you are not too bright and likely damaged goods.

I’ll move on now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter whether quitting sex is reasonable, justified, the other spouse’s fault, etc. Either way the ethical options available to you are the same. Live with it, open the marriage, or divorce.

Divorce is not ethical when there are children involved. It is highly unethical

If you believe this, you shouldn't have married for sex. If you married for children, masturbating will not kill you. You did when you were single. You would do it If your spouse were incapacitated. You can do If you have no idea what is going on with them that they don't enjoy sex anymore. But you choose to cheat because you married for sex and want to weaponize the children.

I have no idea what you’re going on about, but I’ll repeat - sex incompatibility alone is not a reason to divorce if kids are involved. People need to act like grown ups and suck up the pact they made when they married that they double and triple downed on when they brought in others. Sex is a physical need and also highly personal and invasive. If there is a disconnect for a time, figure it out. You will be married for 50 years. Figure it out! I’m female in perimenopause and in the ‘no sex’ camp right now and I believe 3 things can be true- I’ll try to put out more to make my dh happy. 2. He should masturbate more. And 3. If he stepped out briefly, ok so be it.

Marriage is a marathon. I’m not making decisions that affect my children, family etc over what is likely to be a short lived issue in the grand scheme of things.

Did you tell him that if he steps out briefly, you will be okay with it? If you did not you are effectively enabling your husband to learn how to lie to you about where he is, who he is with, and whether he needs to be tested if you one day decide to be intimate again. These lying and deceiving habits tend to extend beyond one affair.

If you did tell him, I agree with your view of marriage. Otherwise, it's a short lived issue until he impregnates another woman or gives you an STD. I bet you Melinda thought Bill's affairs where short-lived issues until he went to Epstein.

I can tell my dh whatever I choose to tell him. You can’t control that or decide that. You understand that, right? Seems like you don’t.

You also seem obsessed with STDs. It’s a weird focus given we are discussing couples not having regular sex. You clearly have some personal axe to grind on the topic of being cheated on, and can’t separate it in a way that allows you to have a mature, intelligent discussion

Maybe time for therapy. The grownups can talk now

Nice to see you dodged the question on whether your "marathon" is built on honesty, but you chose to respond anyway. Do you feel compelled to continue the discussion as you feel compelled to continue your "marathon" marriage even if you have to lie and sneak around like a bunch of starved children? Lol. You sure can tell your poor DH whatever. I can imagine him feeling guilty and sneaking around like a dog when his wife could have told him it's okay. Talk about a marathon. Yikes!

STDs are real, honey. I have never had one, thank goodness. Go read up on them. It's ironic that you think you are an adult but you think speculating on whether someone has had an STD is an insult or closing argument. Even teenagers don't joke about STDs. You are childish.

Not going to continue arguing with you, but it’s clear from the way you write (‘honey’ makes YOU sound trashy, fyi) and focus on STDs that you are not too bright and likely damaged goods.

I’ll move on now.

When century are you from where STDs are taboo and people are damaged goods but sneaking around like a horny sex crazed fool is cool?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do think that person should be the one to leave and divorce. Plenty of men check out too, even when their wives are still fit and attractive. No thank you, I don't want that life.