Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s laughable that you claim being a sahm to teens is just as difficult as being a sahm to babies/toddlers. If you’re that exhausted scale back the Pilates and tennis.

If your kid is asking “what do you do all day” then it seems like you’re not doing a great job being a sahm

Teens are much harder. We are going from after school till 10pm some nights with activities. Sports are sometimes at 5 am.

I have young adult kids with FT jobs who graduated from college several years ago and they didn't live lives anything like this as teenagers.

That’s unfortunate

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

I'm with this poster. I think SAH parents are ridiculous with their pathetic hurt feelings and their ridiculous "I work so hard" snivels.

Not any more or less then parents who minimal childcare or housework but are ridiculously pathetic about doing double duty.

What are you blathering on about?

Some of us have solid careers and clean houses and have our sh*t together. Sorry that hurts your feelings.

Yes, I don't get this comment. I had a nanny even when I was on maternity leave and get weekly cleaning because having a clean house is important to me. I never clean. I don't think anyone in my family has cleaned their homes in at least 4 generations. My grandmother was SAHM and had live in help. Only Americans think that cleaning toilets and doing laundry is virtuous.

+1 lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

As more women leave the workforce like you I wonder how that will affect women college attendance rates in the future. Women like you are modeling that college isn’t necessary. Women like the PP are simply stating that going to college was for a reason. Tradwives like you of course need to get defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made the decision years ago to quit my very demanding career to raise my 3 kids. I never regretted it but now that the kids are hitting their teens, it has become more difficult to deal with my reality. Being a sahm is still very much a full-time job, as exhausting (and yet not as stimulating) as when they were little. On top of that the kids have started making hurtful comments about it. Just the other day, my 13 year old DD said to me, “What do you even do all day.” The other kids have made similar comments, for example, when complaining about their homework load: “You don’t get how hard it is—It’s not like you ever have to work.” I try to stay calm when these things happen because I know they are just trying to push buttons and test boundaries, but the truth is, those comments really hit a nerve and I feel miserabile. Anyone else dealing with this?

Np If I were you I would calmly explain that there are lots of things that you do that is =unseen and yet important to them because you keep the wheels going so they can function. Things like making meals or doing their laundry for example. Perhaps this is a good time to prepare them for the real world when you have to go to a job and do the daily household chores. I would find a job ( or volunteer job) and tell them that in X time that you will be unable to do x, y and z because now you are busy. They will soon appreciate you!

Sometimes being too helpful isn't helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

Lol she told us she would rather play tennis. I doubt she spends her day doing chores. Everything is outsourced. But yes she is working so hard!

I missed where OP said everything is outsourced.
Everything?
All of the shopping and cooking?
All of the cleaning and laundry?
All of the home maintenance, repairs, and gardening?
All of the driving?
All of the planning and admin tasks?
All of the providing presence and emotional support?

Did OP hire a household manager who oversees the maids, gardener, cook, handyman, tutor, counselor, and driver?

You are missing the point. Even full-time WOTH moms manage to get this stuff done, right? And some WOTH moms seem to get this stuff done as well as, if not even better than some SAHMs.
Just *acknowledge* the reality because no smart kid is actually going to buy the excuse that SAHMs of teenagers are somehow doing a lot of meaningful work. And if you have a graduate degree, it's kind of shameful to not be working if you have teenagers without unusual circumstances. Teenagers are going to make these comments because they're at a point in their lives where there is a lot of pressure about colleges and careers, and if you have a remotely thinking teenagers, they're going to draw the perfectly logical conclusion that their SAH mom has a college (and perhaps even graduate) degree but doesn't need one for the kind of responsibilities that she has. And it's true. All the arguments about this is the choice that mom and dad made, mom does a lot of stuff for the household, mom already had a job before she had kids, etc., etc., are reasons for SAH, but give the fact that there are WOTH moms who manage to balance careers and family -- and seem to be doing perfectly fine with perfectly fine kids and families -- should raise the question in any teenager's mind, especially for girls, as to why they should bother aiming for a top college or thinking about careers if in the end their parents' actions show that they're not really necessary, or even desireable.

I know several SAHMs of teens in my neighborhood. They are nice, friendly, social and have interests, but objectively, they are not particularly "productive" members of society aside from some things they get done for the household that a lot of WOTH parents manage *also* to get done. I also know several WOTHs with careers that contribute to society in meaningful ways, and these WOTH moms manage to chauffeur their kids, make healthy meals, take care of household stuff, walk the dog, etc., etc. In my neighborhood, both types outsource housekeeping and some shopping (i.e., grocery delivery). I suspect the WOTH moms are more type-A and super organized. And the SAHMs are more disorganized, but less stressed. Interestingly, both have the same levels of education, with the exception of the moms with MDs -- they all work.

Ewww just stop. As a working mom I don’t want any association with this type of misogynistic crap. A person’s value is not determined by their employment status and if you think it is then you are probably one of those boring people who assumes your job is sooooo interesting and important. OP isn’t deserving of disrespect from her kids because she doesn’t sit in Teams meetings or circle back on things.

This can not be said enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

It isn’t a choice you can make on your own, but it is a choice that couples can make together, even if they don’t have much money. Especially rural areas. One spouse does paid work (my relatives like this tend to earn little) the other spouse stays at home and is the primary parent. They grow vegetables and raise chickens and livestock. They are SAHM and they are doing work. Not every SAHM is doing tennis and Pilates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

As more women leave the workforce like you I wonder how that will affect women college attendance rates in the future. Women like you are modeling that college isn’t necessary. Women like the PP are simply stating that going to college was for a reason. Tradwives like you of course need to get defensive.

I went to college, got my Masters and worked for an NGO that did really important things for this country. Then my world blew up with family health issues. So I don't see how that relates to future women going to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

I'm with this poster. I think SAH parents are ridiculous with their pathetic hurt feelings and their ridiculous "I work so hard" snivels.

Not any more or less then parents who minimal childcare or housework but are ridiculously pathetic about doing double duty.

What are you blathering on about?

Some of us have solid careers and clean houses and have our sh*t together. Sorry that hurts your feelings.

Yes, I don't get this comment. I had a nanny even when I was on maternity leave and get weekly cleaning because having a clean house is important to me. I never clean. I don't think anyone in my family has cleaned their homes in at least 4 generations. My grandmother was SAHM and had live in help. Only Americans think that cleaning toilets and doing laundry is virtuous.

DP. So you are a snob. OK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

To state the obvious- this thread is about stay at home moms who are obviously married... not about single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

To state the obvious- this thread is about stay at home moms who are obviously married... not about single moms.

I was married and still had to work. I don’t know any women who can stay at home. It’s just too expensive for one person to pay for everything. Many of my friends even work opposite schedules to avoid too much In childcare costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made the decision years ago to quit my very demanding career to raise my 3 kids. I never regretted it but now that the kids are hitting their teens, it has become more difficult to deal with my reality. Being a sahm is still very much a full-time job, as exhausting (and yet not as stimulating) as when they were little. On top of that the kids have started making hurtful comments about it. Just the other day, my 13 year old DD said to me, “What do you even do all day.” The other kids have made similar comments, for example, when complaining about their homework load: “You don’t get how hard it is—It’s not like you ever have to work.” I try to stay calm when these things happen because I know they are just trying to push buttons and test boundaries, but the truth is, those comments really hit a nerve and I feel miserabile. Anyone else dealing with this?

Np If I were you I would calmly explain that there are lots of things that you do that is =unseen and yet important to them because you keep the wheels going so they can function. Things like making meals or doing their laundry for example. Perhaps this is a good time to prepare them for the real world when you have to go to a job and do the daily household chores. I would find a job ( or volunteer job) and tell them that in X time that you will be unable to do x, y and z because now you are busy. They will soon appreciate you!

Sometimes being too helpful isn't helpful at all.

My kids have done their own laundry since 12 and making many of their own meals (breakfast...often lunch) around the same time.

Kids aren't stupid. It's hard to come up with a legitimate need for a SAH parent once kids are teens, which is why you don't try to justify it.

Just tell them you don't need to work and therefore you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are getting a message from society. Society is telling them to care only about money and prestige. Don't care about the little things, like faithfulness, mercy, justice, sacrifice, and kindness. Stay the course, keep doing what you do. Show them by example how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person. Don't say it, show it. I was a SAHM of teens, too. I heard the same things, too. But I carried myself with quiet confidence. That started with knowing who I am, what I am about, and what my mission on this earth is. Find yours.

As another voice, I am a mom with a full-time, intense career. And when my kids were in elementary school, I was a mom with a part-time job I cared about. And for several years when the kids were young I was a full time SAHM. I've embraced each of these periods of parenting and life trying to serve as an example of how to be a good, kind, thoughtful, steady, calm, quietly directed person, just as you say. At different times, that has manifest itself in different ways, with my children, family, community, colleagues and work mission. I have close friends who all-in at demanding jobs, working more balanced schedules, part-time work and SAHPs. We're all just trying to be and do our best. And kids will ask questions, as we should hope they will. That's when we're called upon to lead with honesty, nuance and transparency so that our kids can learn from us.

Personally, I feel that I am making a positive impact on my kids (late teens) through my work. My job, though, is readily understood and is both objectively helpful in the broader world (in my family's views) and financially lucrative (not crazy lucrative, but my kids know I contribute in a meaningful way to our household income and am able to support myself easily long-term). For my daughter especially, I think it's been good for her to see me in a work environment as well as a home environment. I speak with her about everything from negotiating salary to nuances of serving as a supervisor in a context in which my peers and the team I lead is mostly men who are older. Within our family, this helps. Our college son also calls both parents for personal, relationship, academic and career advice, and my high school daughter does the same. And both kids have seen, with what might be unusual transparency, my husband and my discussions and considerations over the years. At core, I hope my kids bring their best selves to whatever roles they choose over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I come from a background of no choices. Having choices is for wealthy people. I’ve never been able to say, “Hmmm. Life sure would be easier if I didn’t work.” Even if I could have that choice, I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t spend a pretty penny (and my parents) to do Pilates and tennis with my life.

Well my DH's perspective is that he's proud he can give me a life where I could take time off work to care of my family when they needed (major health issues of children/family death) and that now I can enjoy not working and doing other things instead. I do play tennis, I do Pilates but I do plenty of other things as well to support my community, they just aren't revenue generating. You sound... wound up.

Being financially responsible for everyone and everything will do that to you. I aspire to be richer though.

I have admiration, and really feel for, your husband. You sound ... spoiled, child-like, and kept.