Halloween dis-invitation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who knew Halloween was triggering to all of the crazy moms?

It's like all the crazies or one crazy sock puppet swooped in on this thread today

Something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The person judging is OP - judging my teens, my “culture” (as if she even knows what that is!!), you for judging my personality.

Just no - no one is obligated to host Halloween at all, much less obligated to invite all their tween and teens’ friends’ parents. Get a life and your own friends instead of trying to live through your kids.

Ummmmm... I'm the OP. The person who started this thread asking how to support my kid.

How did this turn into crazy town with a side order of major culture bias?

Geez...no one even responded to my last question...too busy trying to out bully others. 🙄

Hi OP, I would wait this out for a week and see if anything shakes out. I have a middle school son and he periodically tells me about small tiffs at school that always seem to resolve themselves. Especially for boys, who seem to have pretty short memories. The other day he told me that friends A and B left friend C out of their weekend plans because friend C was cheating during their lunchtime games.

From what I have observed, kids dislike kids who brag too much, cheat at games/sports, and fail to stop teasing/roughhousing/being annoying when told to. Not sure if your son falls in any of those categories, but I keep those three things in mind whenever my kid expresses dislike for another kid - it’s usually because of one of those three things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take it you're not friends with the moms on your street and that's why they excluded him?

Yeah, my neighborhood is fully of some catty witches but if moms were still intervening in middle school - that would be insane!!

They would never dream of asking their kids what the plan was bc as long as they have a plan it’s cool to randomly disinvite others and be jerks. Because that’s not their problem.

But if they invited everyone, and their parents and their siblings, so that no one is excluded....then it would be just too bad. And if they provided dinner (but no booze) then it would be that they are trying too hard.

And if you attended but never plan to reciprocate...well, no one else does it so why should you? Also, why shpuld someone call people if they are bean counting?

I ask with all the compassion I can muster- what is wrong with you? Why this angst and circular reasoning? How hard it must be to live with that thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes tweens / young teens are not thinking of all the possibly consequences. They have a thought and go with it. One thing you can do is to teach your son to not respond that its fine if it isn't. So when the friend disinvites him, he can respond to friend with someting along the lines of that sucks, now I have no one to go with or time to make other plans (but in MS appropriate language). Sometimes just giving the other kid more information to work with in the moment can lead to them realizing the consequences and then making a different decision.

What? No. Don't tell him to do this. Kids can be cruel, don't give them more ammunition.

[Anonymous]

I am happy to have to tween girls who like each other and haven't ever thought about going anywhere else or ToTing with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Why? The kids are not orphans.

Yes. I think that the parents get their jollies when their children ditch other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Why? The kids are not orphans.

Yes. I think that the parents get their jollies when their children ditch other kids.

This is a healthy attitude to give your kids: a general distrust of other kids’ parents. It will help them socially to go through middle school with this attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Well, for one, OP’s kid is a younger teen and not a 17 year old with a drivers license and their own life and multiple friend groups from different places like school, work, maybe older friends who are already at college, etc. So yes, the parents are still quite involved at that age and are even more involved now, which you might not fully realize if your own kids are older HS age or older. The PP who said that the parents are lonely and organize their own social lives around their kids’ school friends or sports teams/activities is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to fix this or talk it out to death. It's okay for kids to sulk and be sad when something upsetting happens. Sometimes these things happen. Just tell him he's in charge of opening the door and giving out candy to the kids who come by.

If he did this, I hope he refused it to his "friends" when they came by and made it clear that the candy was for an exclusive set of trick-or-treaters and he couldn't spare any for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Well, for one, OP’s kid is a younger teen and not a 17 year old with a drivers license and their own life and multiple friend groups from different places like school, work, maybe older friends who are already at college, etc. So yes, the parents are still quite involved at that age and are even more involved now, which you might not fully realize if your own kids are older HS age or older. The PP who said that the parents are lonely and organize their own social lives around their kids’ school friends or sports teams/activities is spot on.

Land the helicopter! Young teens do not need help from mommy with social planning for Halloween

- mom both tween and teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents can’t win. If we offer up some pizza, we are socially engineering our kids. If we let them roam, we aren’t involved enough.

Offering some pizza and hosting is perfectly fine, just let your kid decide who to invite and stick with who they invited. It should be a day for the kids IMO - not for the parents.

This is a tween/teen forum. Teenagers make their own friends. Parents are not involved. Do the parents of left out kids think parents are somehow the ones trying to leave out their kid???

There are so many groups. With girls, there definitely seems to be a pretty popular type group and if you are not pretty or have a charismatic personality, they may not want you around. Same for the nerdy band kid. There are kids who play football and basketball and then the kids who are in marching band. Very different crowds.

Well, for one, OP’s kid is a younger teen and not a 17 year old with a drivers license and their own life and multiple friend groups from different places like school, work, maybe older friends who are already at college, etc. So yes, the parents are still quite involved at that age and are even more involved now, which you might not fully realize if your own kids are older HS age or older. The PP who said that the parents are lonely and organize their own social lives around their kids’ school friends or sports teams/activities is spot on.

Land the helicopter! Young teens do not need help from mommy with social planning for Halloween

- mom both tween and teens

I don’t disagree but it does seem like the parents are still involved a lot even in the middle school years ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If he did this, I hope he refused it to his "friends" when they came by and made it clear that the candy was for an exclusive set of trick-or-treaters and he couldn't spare any for them.

He was out trick or treating on his own when they came to the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough with any of the moms to ask them for insight? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions now, but if he continues to be excluded/isolated I would definitely be concerned.

For tonight I’d offer a movie or some activity you know he likes, and if he wants to stay home and be sad, I’d respect that. I’m sorry those boys were so unkind to your son.

In middle school? Don't do this. This is for your kid to navigate. Of COURSE the other kid's are being jerks, but that is life. Do not intervene with a mom, that's a guarantee he'll never be invited again.

I guess you didn’t read the bolded first sentence. I didn’t suggest that OP intervene, and yes that would be weird in MS. If OP had been close with any of the moms it would be normal after the fact to say, “OtherLarlo canceled Halloween plans with Larlo, and then the NotLarlo crew didn’t want him to join them. Larlo isn’t talking much about it. Do you have any tea?”

We now know OP is not close with any of the moms so it’s not relevant for her situation.

Doesn't matter. What would be the end result?
OP, I feel you. DC has a friend whose mom is engineering MS girl friendships. She's a crude woman with deep insecurities, and I feel sorry for her girls having to grow up with that kind of mom.

Examples?
Strategies to deal with? For MS kid who is left out and knows it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough with any of the moms to ask them for insight? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions now, but if he continues to be excluded/isolated I would definitely be concerned.

For tonight I’d offer a movie or some activity you know he likes, and if he wants to stay home and be sad, I’d respect that. I’m sorry those boys were so unkind to your son.

In middle school? Don't do this. This is for your kid to navigate. Of COURSE the other kid's are being jerks, but that is life. Do not intervene with a mom, that's a guarantee he'll never be invited again.

I guess you didn’t read the bolded first sentence. I didn’t suggest that OP intervene, and yes that would be weird in MS. If OP had been close with any of the moms it would be normal after the fact to say, “OtherLarlo canceled Halloween plans with Larlo, and then the NotLarlo crew didn’t want him to join them. Larlo isn’t talking much about it. Do you have any tea?”

We now know OP is not close with any of the moms so it’s not relevant for her situation.

Doesn't matter. What would be the end result?
OP, I feel you. DC has a friend whose mom is engineering MS girl friendships. She's a crude woman with deep insecurities, and I feel sorry for her girls having to grow up with that kind of mom.

Examples?
Strategies to deal with? For MS kid who is left out and knows it?

You know how people say don’t go to college with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Having emotional needs already met means not taking the time to branch out and experiment meeting others.

The strategy for the asked-about scenario is to meet different people until they find a balance of friends where everyone likes hanging out with each other and general emotional needs for friendship are met. Sometimes this means branching out beyond school. One of my kids spent two years not clicking with school kids. Eventually they find something that works, and they stop caring about all these things. In other words, they become happy and confident.