Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Because in fact "Society" is not actually sending messages that men play video games and women be independent. Society is simply men and women, not some other entity and society has many messages because it is the sum of all the messages men and women are making. The message is amplified depending on who you are around and what news you listen to. It is actual women and men who are desiring these things and seeking them out. Each sex needs to discipline itself. Now that we don't have slaves or many children, we've turned to each sex to blame our problems to when in reality it is just ourselves we need to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

So sorry OP yea this is a terrible failure but it’s their failure not yours. I hope your daughter can get her act together r before she ruins her chances of having a life!!!
My life was amazing before kids and I never wanted them. Then early 30s and a switch flipped and I had my boys. They are the light of my life!!! Seeing them grow gives me a joy nothing else could. Seeing them with my mom is the best thing ever.
Having kids is one of those things that you have to do it to know how amazing it is and how important it is, if you don’t know, you simply can’t know. You’re going to have to get therapy or figure something out to help you heal and move forward from this horrific disappointment from your terrible children. You can still love them and hope that they have an amazing life and be able to compartmentalize this disappointment. In the end, you did your job, and they will have to live with this bitter disappointment and vast emptiness of a meaningless life for the rest of theirs.

[Anonymous]

Imagine measuring your child's success in life by any other metric than their happiness. Good god people here are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine measuring your child's success in life by any other metric than their happiness. Good god people here are sick.

Happiness + financial independence= success, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The young adults I know who are rejecting marriage and child rearing have some kind of trauma from their childhood - usually really bad parent divorces. They do not want to rinse and repeat.

This is an unpopular opinion but I believe the fierce, I-can-do-it-myself-I don’t-need-anyone version of feminism is harmful to women. And the weak-feeble- women are loved, so I am not-I’m castrated so I’ll just play video games- message being sent to males is harmful to young men. And that’s everything that’s wrong with our society.

Uhhh what? Women have friend and are able to maintain a variety of healthy emotional relationships. Yes, even when not married. Men, married or not, are much worse at this. FOCUS ON THAT. The problem is not feminism, it’s patriarchy. So tear that down, teach men how to have a multitude of healthy, fulfilling emotional relationships, whether single or married, and everyone’s lives would get much better.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the earlier replies but I would be very sad if neither of my kids wanted to have kids. Having kids has been such a joy in my life that I would be sad if I hadn’t passed along a drive to enjoy parenthood. But, it’s their lives and choices. But I would feel dry sad and at heart feel like a failure.

[Anonymous]

Three of my friends are celebrating the birth of a second grandchild in each family. I am happy for them, but the pain is real. They enjoy watching their kids enjoy their kids, they get to be a part of the next generation, watching it all unfold, loving these new little creatures into the family.

Everything stopped on a dime in our family, and no, I don't think my kids are having a better life than their friends who have kids. They are missing out on so much and I can see the wheels turning in their heads when they see their friends enjoying their expanded families- subtle comments, wistful stares, but those ships have sailed and that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three of my friends are celebrating the birth of a second grandchild in each family. I am happy for them, but the pain is real. They enjoy watching their kids enjoy their kids, they get to be a part of the next generation, watching it all unfold, loving these new little creatures into the family.

Everything stopped on a dime in our family, and no, I don't think my kids are having a better life than their friends who have kids. They are missing out on so much and I can see the wheels turning in their heads when they see their friends enjoying their expanded families- subtle comments, wistful stares, but those ships have sailed and that's that.

You must have a lot of money. Raising kids is expensive. No kids for me.

[Anonymous]

I am a little surprised at the strong reaction that OP is wrong to feel this way! I believe our kids should have choices about the biggest things in their lives so I would never tell them I think they should have children, but isn't it extremely common for people to want to see their family line continue? We're animals with an evolutionary drive to reproduce, AND we're sentient beings with an understanding of our own mortality, AND we're social creatures who share our stories and traditions across generations. It's 1000% understandable for people to have a vision of being part of a continuous chain of generations that continues beyond them, and to be devastated by seeing the end point very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The young adults I know who are rejecting marriage and child rearing have some kind of trauma from their childhood - usually really bad parent divorces. They do not want to rinse and repeat.

This is an unpopular opinion but I believe the fierce, I-can-do-it-myself-I don’t-need-anyone version of feminism is harmful to women. And the weak-feeble- women are loved, so I am not-I’m castrated so I’ll just play video games- message being sent to males is harmful to young men. And that’s everything that’s wrong with our society.

Run on sentences are not easy to read

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as I have my harem of men for sex partners I will not object to my partner having a harem.

I get really bored fast with the same sex partner. This is one reason I like dating married men. No pressure either way.

You are not a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Likely hard for you to see, but you are the one with selfish thoughts. You did not fail. You raised adults who are comfortable and content with who they are. They don't feel the need to do something they don't feel inclined to do in order to please others. They are not responsible for your happiness. You wanted kids and had your time to do that. They want something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three of my friends are celebrating the birth of a second grandchild in each family. I am happy for them, but the pain is real. They enjoy watching their kids enjoy their kids, they get to be a part of the next generation, watching it all unfold, loving these new little creatures into the family.

Everything stopped on a dime in our family, and no, I don't think my kids are having a better life than their friends who have kids. They are missing out on so much and I can see the wheels turning in their heads when they see their friends enjoying their expanded families- subtle comments, wistful stares, but those ships have sailed and that's that.

You must have a lot of money. Raising kids is expensive. No kids for me.

No, we did not. We were public servants, in jobs with no real salary hikes, other than prescribed pay steps, for 35 years. We never thought that children were a commodity that required a lot of money. We had the kids and made it work, that's literally how anyone does anything.

We didn't have the idea that everything had to be picture perfect- the house, trips, cars, clothes. Neither did most peoplr around us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Likely hard for you to see, but you are the one with selfish thoughts. You did not fail. You raised adults who are comfortable and content with who they are. They don't feel the need to do something they don't feel inclined to do in order to please others. They are not responsible for your happiness. You wanted kids and had your time to do that. They want something different.

But are they? Somehow surrounding one's self with objects and not family isn't real. I cannot imagine not having my family. How do these people even know what they are missing? They don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three of my friends are celebrating the birth of a second grandchild in each family. I am happy for them, but the pain is real. They enjoy watching their kids enjoy their kids, they get to be a part of the next generation, watching it all unfold, loving these new little creatures into the family.

Everything stopped on a dime in our family, and no, I don't think my kids are having a better life than their friends who have kids. They are missing out on so much and I can see the wheels turning in their heads when they see their friends enjoying their expanded families- subtle comments, wistful stares, but those ships have sailed and that's that.

You must have a lot of money. Raising kids is expensive. No kids for me.

No, we did not. We were public servants, in jobs with no real salary hikes, other than prescribed pay steps, for 35 years. We never thought that children were a commodity that required a lot of money. We had the kids and made it work, that's literally how anyone does anything.

We didn't have the idea that everything had to be picture perfect- the house, trips, cars, clothes. Neither did most peoplr around us.

Your life sounds awful. Who wants to aspire to that?