Wedding offenses: rank according to badness

[Anonymous]

While I had a “fancy” wedding at an upscale hotel, I now prefer weddings that seem low-key/less expensive and more fun.

Three of my favorite wedding experiences as a guest:

Beach wedding. Couple rented two beach houses next to each other. Ceremony on the beach. Catered by chefs using both kitchens. Everyone partied outdoors. They did it during shoulder season in a private neighborhood. Awesome!

Church wedding followed by reception in big tent alongside the church. Probably 300 guests—including kids. Catered by an awesome Mexican restaurant. All kinds of food and frozen margaritas! Formal attire, yet fun! Tent was decorated and lovely.

Ceremony in a small country church near a relative’s riverfront home. Reception at the riverfront home. Massive tent. Local caterers. Hired band plus impromptu performances by wedding guests.

All of these weddings had open bars. Several guests brought drinks as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh - we charged for cocktails because we didn’t want people to drink so much that they risked getting into a wreck and taking lives of people down the country roads on the way home. If they really needed a drink, then they should pay for it. And we did offer free wine with dinner. Plus, we already had 150 guests and the bill was already quite high. People are not gonna remember that. And if they do, then they are petty. Also, we could not allow children other than the ringbearer and the flower girl, because we were limited to 150 guests.

So you're fine with them taking a life as long as it wasn't your money paying for the alcohol that made the accident happen?

Right?! This is the most absurd logic I’ve ever read to justify making guests pay for drinks.

If you’re concerned about drinking and driving (something I actually care about very much) then have your wedding where guests can easily get back home/to their hotel without driving. We had a hotel wedding a couple blocks from a metro station/in a busy and walkable area where people could get around on foot, metro, or Uber (or stay at the hotel venue). I have never really liked the weddings out on country roads unless transportation back to lodging (or at least to civilization) is provided. It’s so irresponsible to plan a boozy party out in the middle of nowhere so you can get your pretty scenic photographs and then expect your guests to get themselves home.

This happened to us once out of state on dark roads in a rural area. I stayed the DD because it was my DH’s family member’s wedding and I wanted him to have fun. But I didn’t feel comfortable even relaxing with a glass of wine knowing I’d be driving unknown winding roads later.

[Anonymous]

Among the many reasons not to have a cash bar is the potential for embarrassing your guests. Went to a coworker's wedding. A long time mutual coworker didn't realize it was a cash bar and was taken back when asked for money when the bartender handed her the drink. She had no cash in her evening bag; bar didn't take cards. The stranger beside her stepped in and bought her drink, but it was embarrassing. Making your guests feel stupid is a terrible faux pas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I had a “fancy” wedding at an upscale hotel, I now prefer weddings that seem low-key/less expensive and more fun.

Three of my favorite wedding experiences as a guest:

Beach wedding. Couple rented two beach houses next to each other. Ceremony on the beach. Catered by chefs using both kitchens. Everyone partied outdoors. They did it during shoulder season in a private neighborhood. Awesome!

Church wedding followed by reception in big tent alongside the church. Probably 300 guests—including kids. Catered by an awesome Mexican restaurant. All kinds of food and frozen margaritas! Formal attire, yet fun! Tent was decorated and lovely.

Ceremony in a small country church near a relative’s riverfront home. Reception at the riverfront home. Massive tent. Local caterers. Hired band plus impromptu performances by wedding guests.

All of these weddings had open bars. Several guests brought drinks as well.

This sounds lovely.

Some of my favorites were in my 20's - so many people getting married, it seemed we had at least two weddings a month! Most of them were big families who loved to entertain, so they hired buses. The buses took everyone from the church to the reception, then the reception to the after party, then the second after party, and home afterward. Ah, to be in your 20's and not need sleep - only dancing, food, laughter and to be surrounded with great friends and family! Of course, it meant being in many weddings also, but it was so much fun! Great times.

No one cared about who was doing what, it was only warm, supportive and positive people, no criticism, and there were no little kids to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh - we charged for cocktails because we didn’t want people to drink so much that they risked getting into a wreck and taking lives of people down the country roads on the way home. If they really needed a drink, then they should pay for it. And we did offer free wine with dinner. Plus, we already had 150 guests and the bill was already quite high. People are not gonna remember that. And if they do, then they are petty. Also, we could not allow children other than the ringbearer and the flower girl, because we were limited to 150 guests.

So you're fine with them taking a life as long as it wasn't your money paying for the alcohol that made the accident happen?

Right?! This is the most absurd logic I’ve ever read to justify making guests pay for drinks.

If you’re concerned about drinking and driving (something I actually care about very much) then have your wedding where guests can easily get back home/to their hotel without driving. We had a hotel wedding a couple blocks from a metro station/in a busy and walkable area where people could get around on foot, metro, or Uber (or stay at the hotel venue). I have never really liked the weddings out on country roads unless transportation back to lodging (or at least to civilization) is provided. It’s so irresponsible to plan a boozy party out in the middle of nowhere so you can get your pretty scenic photographs and then expect your guests to get themselves home.

This happened to us once out of state on dark roads in a rural area. I stayed the DD because it was my DH’s family member’s wedding and I wanted him to have fun. But I didn’t feel comfortable even relaxing with a glass of wine knowing I’d be driving unknown winding roads later.

They didn't GAF about drinking and driving, let's be real. People can get plenty drunk on beer and wine too. They were cheaping out on two fronts, the tacky cash bar and not providing a shuttle or other transportation. People will definitely remember that and it's not really petty. "We had 150 people and the bill was already quite high...." that right there is cutting corners and not having the wedding you can afford. VERY tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guilty of destination wedding (hours away) but gave +1, +2, accommodated friends of family with champagne toast but cash bar.
we had to budget but splurged with everything else big time.

So you splurged on everything except the one thing guests actually look forward to at weddings? What in the world were you thinking?

+1

SMH

In what world is "free alcohol" the one thing guests look forward to at weddings? You do realize you can get drunk for a pretty low price quite literally any time you want, correct?

alcoholics central around here

+1

I know one family hosting a wedding who had a complete blowout (the bad kind) because one of the parents is an alcoholic. The bride was in tears saying she did not want that parent drunk at her wedding. The alcoholic parent was insisting (you guessed it) on an open bar, hard liquor included, and the rest of the family was against it, because of the alcoholism. It was not pretty. Those of you saying it is "cheap" to not have open bar do not know the whole story, and are being terrible guests, which is the worst offense of all.

Yes, it is cheap. The alcoholic will grudgingly pay for the alcohol. The only way around it is a dry wedding. But don't pretend that you're doing anything to prevent the blowout just by making people pay for it when it's still available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Among the many reasons not to have a cash bar is the potential for embarrassing your guests. Went to a coworker's wedding. A long time mutual coworker didn't realize it was a cash bar and was taken back when asked for money when the bartender handed her the drink. She had no cash in her evening bag; bar didn't take cards. The stranger beside her stepped in and bought her drink, but it was embarrassing. Making your guests feel stupid is a terrible faux pas

Yes, this! Also I hate when there's a tip jar out - I try to come prepared with small bills in case but I still find it tacky when the hosts don't just cover this.

[Anonymous]

Last fall I went to a wedding I wish I had done for my own. Held at a summer camp in the mountains on a lake. Guests had choice of cabins (cheep)or stay in town at hotels or air bnbs. Weekend fun with kayaking, swimming archery etc. beautiful ceremony by the lake. Friday night was catered by a fantastic by taco and margarita truck sat and dinner catered by camp chef and it was excellent! Lots of snacks available during the day too, just like camp.

Obviously it was kid friendly.

Anyway I find cash bars , no plus 1, and cash asks tacky; the rest is individual choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guilty of destination wedding (hours away) but gave +1, +2, accommodated friends of family with champagne toast but cash bar.
we had to budget but splurged with everything else big time.

So you splurged on everything except the one thing guests actually look forward to at weddings? What in the world were you thinking?

+1

SMH

In what world is "free alcohol" the one thing guests look forward to at weddings? You do realize you can get drunk for a pretty low price quite literally any time you want, correct?

alcoholics central around here

+1

I know one family hosting a wedding who had a complete blowout (the bad kind) because one of the parents is an alcoholic. The bride was in tears saying she did not want that parent drunk at her wedding. The alcoholic parent was insisting (you guessed it) on an open bar, hard liquor included, and the rest of the family was against it, because of the alcoholism. It was not pretty. Those of you saying it is "cheap" to not have open bar do not know the whole story, and are being terrible guests, which is the worst offense of all.

Yes, it is cheap. The alcoholic will grudgingly pay for the alcohol. The only way around it is a dry wedding. But don't pretend that you're doing anything to prevent the blowout just by making people pay for it when it's still available.

In this case, the issue was that the alcoholic wanted open bar, and the rest of the family did not (mostly because of the alcoholic and the alcoholic's side's antics).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ranking, from most offensive to least offensive:

Dry weddings - Don't make your issues with alcohol, everyone else's issue.

No open bar weddings - Don't be cheap. At least offer 2 drinks, then make it a cash bar

Weddings of couples who ask for cash - dunno why but this just feels tacky. It's really no different than making a gift registry, but for some reason making it "cash" feels....eh

No +1 weddings - weddings are expensive. So unless this is someone you've been dating for a while please don't bring someone. but if this is someone serious a +1 would be nice.

No-kids weddings - No issue with this. Kids distract from the event, and they take their parents attention away from the festivities.

Destination weddings -who cares it's their wedding you're not required to attend.

+1 Agree with everything you wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh - we charged for cocktails because we didn’t want people to drink so much that they risked getting into a wreck and taking lives of people down the country roads on the way home. If they really needed a drink, then they should pay for it. And we did offer free wine with dinner. Plus, we already had 150 guests and the bill was already quite high. People are not gonna remember that. And if they do, then they are petty. Also, we could not allow children other than the ringbearer and the flower girl, because we were limited to 150 guests.

Oh, people remember that you had the cash bar, they are extremely unpopular. If you really felt strongly you would have had a dry wedding. Turns out you couldn't really afford your 150 person wedding, so you cut some massive corners and passed the costs along to your guests.

+1

Believe me, everyone remembers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh - we charged for cocktails because we didn’t want people to drink so much that they risked getting into a wreck and taking lives of people down the country roads on the way home. If they really needed a drink, then they should pay for it. And we did offer free wine with dinner. Plus, we already had 150 guests and the bill was already quite high. People are not gonna remember that. And if they do, then they are petty. Also, we could not allow children other than the ringbearer and the flower girl, because we were limited to 150 guests.

Oh, people remember that you had the cash bar, they are extremely unpopular. If you really felt strongly you would have had a dry wedding. Turns out you couldn't really afford your 150 person wedding, so you cut some massive corners and passed the costs along to your guests.

+1

Believe me, everyone remembers.

+2. Everyone remembers. Should have had 100 guests and treated them properly.

[Anonymous]

A girlI worked with in NY had a dry wedding and a buffet and booked a year ahead.

She ended up booking Super Bowl Sunday and nearly every man and 1/2 the women went to bar next door to watch the game.

She ordered her new husband to get men back and he was gone 45 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worst: No +1, destination wedding. Couples will often say they don’t want random people at their wedding but offer plus ones for spouses and significant others they’ve never met. Just give all adults a plus one.

Also bad: No open bar — don’t host a party you can’t afford. Along those lines I would add an expectation that gifts cover the per person cost for the wedding.

Neutral: No kids, dry wedding, asking for cash gifts

Isn't a dry wedding worse than no open bar? At least there's alcohol!

No way! I don’t care if I drink or not. I’d prefer it, but if the couple doesnt drink or can’t afford to pay for the alcohol, then a dry wedding is fine. What’s NOT fine is asking your guests to pay for things at YOUR PARTY

I agree. All this shade on dry weddings is awful. Many people don’t drink - for religious or addiction or health reasons. I am delighted to share their big day with them while also being respectful of their culture or individual preferences. Can people *really* not go one night without booze??? (And I drink a lot - so I’m not a teetotaler)

I agree that cash bar is way worse than dry wedding. You don't host a party and then have your guests pay for food/drinks!! The only thing worse is doing a potluck where guests BRING FOOD as well!

What if the people getting married are poor, but they want to share their joy and exchange of vows with friends and loved ones?
The level of snobbery and entitlement on this forum is thru the roof.

You mean troll for gifts from these people? Let's be honest here.

[Anonymous]

I grew up (& got married) in the south, where dry weddings are very common. Receptions are often held in church basements/fellowship halls, and many churches don’t allow alcohol in the building. I attended plenty of dry weddings, and no one batted an eye. Weddings should be about celebrating with people close to you. Not about specific food or drink.