SAHMs that never return to workforce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

Agreed, and it’s bizarre to expect families leave young babies and toddlers with caregivers that they don’t even know well just so everyone can go back to work. (If they want to go back to work that’s fine). Don’t blame SAHM for causing inequality, blame society for making it difficult for women to get enough maternity leave, or to enter the workforce after taking time to care for children.

Just because something works better for finances of career, doesn’t mean it’s also best for all parties involved. You certainly can’t blame women or families who want to do it how nature intended if they can make it work. It’s like you blame people for bartering goods or services if suits them just because it would hurt capitalism.

[Anonymous]

We can’t abolish freedom of choice only because what if someone uses it to stay home with their babies even though they can easily leave them with robots in daycare, next to the robotic poultry farm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

I believe this is how you feel, how your family is set up, and many of your friends feel.

I can tell you it was not true for me. I wanted to get back to something more intellectual after my kids were born. My DH worked full time but was absolutely the better parent for toddlers and preschoolers. He just had more patience than I did and would be interested in spending the required five mins to discuss whether to put your left shoe on first or your right - I once recorded a conversation he had with my DD - he approached this (daily conversation at this time) like it was a Latin translation and they really debated the merits. He found joy in all these small things and my children blossomed (I cooked, read to them, cuddled them, etc but man was I glad I married the man I did). Now they are teens and I do think it’s very valuable for both my children to see me in my job. It makes them more independent (they have to get their stuff together because a parent can’t swing by school and drop off a forgotten assignment or project). They come to me for homework help in AP calc, AP physics, AP chemistry. They take pride in knowing their mom can explain to them (and their friends) not only how to do the problems but also how it’s used in the real world. We talk about my work and I get them involved in thinking through real life issues I might be dealing with. I am no different really than any of the other mothers in their friend group, I don’t think, in attention and nurturing of them as teens. Not sure these children could have been more loved. Your experience is no doubt true for you but please try not to think in these broad stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Meh. If we won the powerball we likley would both be SAH parents. Would have things we do to stay busy but 9-5 routine would be done. If DH is OK with it, its all that matters

[Anonymous]

OP-if you are happy and fulfilled as a SAHM, then do it. Don’t do it because you don’t think you could find a fulfilling career or because you’re still needed at home. Do it for you because it’s what you want to do (which it sounds like it is). I work (at home now), because it makes me happier to work. I wouldn’t be happy and fulfilled staying at home. I’m grateful for the choice and a partner that supports me in my career (although frankly, we wouldn’t be together if it was otherwise). You’re making the right decision for you and your family, and it doesn’t really matter what other people think. There’s no one right way to be a good mom or set a good role model for your kids.

But also don’t fret that you’re choosing some new permanent state for yourself that can never be undone. You’re choosing not to go back to the workforce right now because that’s the decision that is best for you at this time. If five years down the road, you change your mind, you’ll figure it out. I have friend’s moms who went back to the workforce after their kids left for college and found joy in working later in life, so you never know what life will bring you. You got this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

I believe this is how you feel, how your family is set up, and many of your friends feel.

I can tell you it was not true for me. I wanted to get back to something more intellectual after my kids were born. My DH worked full time but was absolutely the better parent for toddlers and preschoolers. He just had more patience than I did and would be interested in spending the required five mins to discuss whether to put your left shoe on first or your right - I once recorded a conversation he had with my DD - he approached this (daily conversation at this time) like it was a Latin translation and they really debated the merits. He found joy in all these small things and my children blossomed (I cooked, read to them, cuddled them, etc but man was I glad I married the man I did). Now they are teens and I do think it’s very valuable for both my children to see me in my job. It makes them more independent (they have to get their stuff together because a parent can’t swing by school and drop off a forgotten assignment or project). They come to me for homework help in AP calc, AP physics, AP chemistry. They take pride in knowing their mom can explain to them (and their friends) not only how to do the problems but also how it’s used in the real world. We talk about my work and I get them involved in thinking through real life issues I might be dealing with. I am no different really than any of the other mothers in their friend group, I don’t think, in attention and nurturing of them as teens. Not sure these children could have been more loved. Your experience is no doubt true for you but please try not to think in these broad stereotypes.

I didn’t say anything about dads not loving their children or being good parents. Your husband sounds great, but you don’t say anything about him being heartbroken that he had to go back to work when he had young children. There are many women who are devastated to leave their babies and return to work. I have yet to meet a man who feels that way.

[Anonymous]

Live your life. Don’t worry about choices others make or how they’ll feel about your choices. If you are happier at home with your family, stay home. If you are happier working in a cubicle or somewhere else, go there.

Just don’t make your decisions based on judgment of others. No one at their deathbed regrets about not living up to other people’s judgment or not working enough hours, most regret about not spending enough time with their loved ones or letting them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

You are very different than our kids. Ours run to Dad. (of course I encourage it to get a break).

And a lot of kids run to the nanny. Is that because their parents don’t have a natural attachment to the kids? No, it’s because kids run to the person they see as their primary caregiver. Sure that might be the working mom and not the SAHD but it has nothing to do with which parent has more estrogen.

And I know so many women who couldn’t wait to get back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

You are very different than our kids. Ours run to Dad. (of course I encourage it to get a break).

And a lot of kids run to the nanny. Is that because their parents don’t have a natural attachment to the kids? No, it’s because kids run to the person they see as their primary caregiver. Sure that might be the working mom and not the SAHD but it has nothing to do with which parent has more estrogen.

And I know so many women who couldn’t wait to get back to work.

The idea that it doesn’t matter if it’s mom or dad is insane to me. That baby grew in mom’s belly. There are chemical and physical implications to that. The bond between mother and child starts in the womb. That’s not to say the child can’t have strong bonds to other adults of course, but there is no denying the special place of a mother. Isn’t that evidenced in cases where the mother was NOT able to form that bond, like due to addiction or some other major emotional issue? There is lasting damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

You are very different than our kids. Ours run to Dad. (of course I encourage it to get a break).

And a lot of kids run to the nanny. Is that because their parents don’t have a natural attachment to the kids? No, it’s because kids run to the person they see as their primary caregiver. Sure that might be the working mom and not the SAHD but it has nothing to do with which parent has more estrogen.

And I know so many women who couldn’t wait to get back to work.

The idea that it doesn’t matter if it’s mom or dad is insane to me. That baby grew in mom’s belly. There are chemical and physical implications to that. The bond between mother and child starts in the womb. That’s not to say the child can’t have strong bonds to other adults of course, but there is no denying the special place of a mother. Isn’t that evidenced in cases where the mother was NOT able to form that bond, like due to addiction or some other major emotional issue? There is lasting damage.

This. Dads should be 100% involved but mother and baby bond is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: stay at home dads: I actually grew up with a stay at home dad. There is also one 2 doors down from me. The thing i’ve noticed is, mom is always mom. We never saw my dad as our primary parent - we probably felt about him the way kids feel about their Nannies. We wanted mom instead! I can see it in my neighbors too. When a dad comes home from work in a SAHM household, let’s be honest, it takes some work to get the kids to detach from mom and go to dad. When the mom at my neighbor’s house comes home, those kids are climbing all over mom like she’s an oasis and they haven’t had a drink all day.

Plus, let’s not pretend dads want to stay home with babies and young kids the way moms do. Men can go back to work a week after their kid is born and be emotionally fine. It would tear a mom apart to do that. Very few men care about returning to work when their baby is 3 months old. So many moms feel a deep need to stay with their babies at that age even if they need to go back to work for money.

You are very different than our kids. Ours run to Dad. (of course I encourage it to get a break).

And a lot of kids run to the nanny. Is that because their parents don’t have a natural attachment to the kids? No, it’s because kids run to the person they see as their primary caregiver. Sure that might be the working mom and not the SAHD but it has nothing to do with which parent has more estrogen.

And I know so many women who couldn’t wait to get back to work.

The idea that it doesn’t matter if it’s mom or dad is insane to me. That baby grew in mom’s belly. There are chemical and physical implications to that. The bond between mother and child starts in the womb. That’s not to say the child can’t have strong bonds to other adults of course, but there is no denying the special place of a mother. Isn’t that evidenced in cases where the mother was NOT able to form that bond, like due to addiction or some other major emotional issue? There is lasting damage.

New poster. Are you the same PP returning repeatedly to say how the mother-child bond is different, special, only women are "heartbroken" to leave kids to return to work but you know no men who were similarly affected, etc. etc.?

I know this won't dent your very firmly held beliefs but....You are working entirely in vast generalizations and stereotypes. You're using the narrative that gets used to socialize women to believe they should be at home (and should feel at least a little guilty if they're not) and men to believe it's not entirely normal if they want to stay home (and should feel at least a little guilty, and unmanly, if they are more nurturing than their kids' moms). Women and men ARE biologically wired differently. I agree. But your stereotypes and assumptions are just gargantuan.

And you make the mistake of believing that if you personally don't know any examples of, for instance, a man who was upset about returning to work and leaving his kids to do so, then such a thing surely does not exist. Your personal experience is not the yardstick for everyone, everywhere.

By the way, your premise above also is hurtful to adoptees, who might never have known their birth mothers. I'm sure you don't mean it to, but your attitude smacks of the idea that adoptees will be inherently damaged forever because they didn't get to have a bond after birth with their bio mothers. Can that be true? Sure. Is it a given? Never. Many people are infinitely better off with their adoptive families but I suspect you'd pity adoptees for not being able to continue that chemical bond with the women who bore them. You maybe don't mean that at all but can you see how that is the possible extension of your thinking?

[Anonymous]

Even if the mother has the natural bond with the child that the father doesn’t (which is not always the case because a lot of women get PPD that interferes with it, a lot of women just do not like babies, and a lot of women are adoptive mothers, as PP pointed out), it doesn’t follow that she and not her husband should stay at home. Being a SAHP is so much more than cuddling your baby. It requires a lot of patience, a lot of organization, a lot of willingness to do repetitive boring tasks, a Lot of research about sleeping And discipline, etc.

I am way more patient and nurturing but my husband is a whiz at home management and he is way better at making sure the kids are doing fun activities. He should have been the stay at home parent (and if we can find a way to make that happen, we are doing it).

[Anonymous]

It is fascinating how the work-outside-the-home moms are upset and can't be at peace with other women's decision to stay home while the stay-at-home moms are happy at at peace with their decision.

That says it all, really. I'm laughing. Let's keep this thread going!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is fascinating how the work-outside-the-home moms are upset and can't be at peace with other women's decision to stay home while the stay-at-home moms are happy at at peace with their decision.

That says it all, really. I'm laughing. Let's keep this thread going!

If you’re referring to the SAHD V SAHM convo in most recent comments: I am of the opinion that women aren’t necessarily the bigger nurturers or need to stay at home, and I myself am a stay at home mom. I just find it bizarre to say that it’s best for moms to stay at home. So if that’s funny to you, sure, keep laughing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Anonymous]

I haven't had time to read the thread. To anyone raising kids, whether SAHM or a working mom, I would suggest this book. No matter whether you work or not, it tells you why you need to be around your kids as much as possible. The author is a very well known doctor and a psychologist. He has some other very good books as well. Just read it. Get it from the local public library or wherever.

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?crid=20TXU3KSS9D55&keywords=hold+on+to+your+kids&qid=1643127215&sprefix=hold+on+to+your+%2Caps%2C1134&sr=8-1