Parents who are overwhelmed with one or two kids

[Anonymous]

My neurodivergent kid is like three kids on his own. I would also guess that you're an emotionally checked out mom.

[Anonymous]

Temperament and circumstances are key factors in this. I don’t like a lot of chaos and commotion so while I could totally care for a large family, I don’t want to.

My friends with large families love the high energy, constant movement and action that comes with a large family. It stresses me out and my DH is similar, so our smaller family is perfect for us.

Instead of judging, people should remember that not everyone wants the same things for their family life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

Sorry, but when I see families this big, I wonder if the parents understand what is making the woman pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Let's hear from the older kids how their lives are easier with each new sibling.

My older three are boys who don’t really help out. Eight kids ranging in age and independence is obviously easier than 2 toddlers and a newborn. Only my younger two are home all day, so its very easy and calm.

Because you let them not help out. If your three oldest were girls, they’d be parentified. You’re raising the worst kind of future men. Your sons will be unmarriageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Let's hear from the older kids how their lives are easier with each new sibling.

My older three are boys who don’t really help out. Eight kids ranging in age and independence is obviously easier than 2 toddlers and a newborn. Only my younger two are home all day, so its very easy and calm.

Because you let them not help out. If your three oldest were girls, they’d be parentified. You’re raising the worst kind of future men. Your sons will be unmarriageable.

+1. Many red flags in this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so jealous of people with easy kids. You have no idea how good you have it and are often so smug about your parenting.

I don't actually think they have easy kids. I think they are just neglectful parents. All kids have their challenges. A parent who is like "oh my kid is pretty set it and forget it" is just a bad parent. Maybe if they have a good co-parent or really involved grandparents or an excellent nanny, it will shake out okay in the end. But it's not so much that their kids are easy as that they just aren't trying that hard at parenting.

Like haven't you ever had a coworker who was like "oh this job is so easy" but then you realize that actually they just don't do it very well? I worked with a woman like this when I was an associate editor and her job was easy because she made a lot of mistakes but was unaware of them and didn't care when supervisors caught them and were like "please do this again." Eventually she got fired, but in the meantime, she though her job was really simple.

DP and I disagree. I have one incredibly easy kid and one incredibly hard kid. If you don't understand that easy kids exist, you clearly only have easy kids.

[Anonymous]

. If you don't understand that easy kids exist, you clearly only have easy kids.

This 100%

[Anonymous]

Nah. Many boys just would rather clean, scrub, or do hard labor than watch the little ones. And that’s largely fine. Even great. A different form of helping. (Obviously they shouldn’t be let off the hook of other household labor if they’re not well suited to babysitting. There are many more jobs to go around.)

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids as well (7 and younger) and initially I was kinda agreeing with OP but I also read another post here about not knowing what others are going through privately and cannot agree more with that other poster. Maybe some couples though a lot and it’s just… a lot.
Also, for us at least, our kids are generally good but no way in heck do I feel confident enough to take them out by myself… we got a runner and I’m not bout that life. So everyone is dealing with something. Good on you, OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so jealous of people with easy kids. You have no idea how good you have it and are often so smug about your parenting.

I don't actually think they have easy kids. I think they are just neglectful parents. All kids have their challenges. A parent who is like "oh my kid is pretty set it and forget it" is just a bad parent. Maybe if they have a good co-parent or really involved grandparents or an excellent nanny, it will shake out okay in the end. But it's not so much that their kids are easy as that they just aren't trying that hard at parenting.

Like haven't you ever had a coworker who was like "oh this job is so easy" but then you realize that actually they just don't do it very well? I worked with a woman like this when I was an associate editor and her job was easy because she made a lot of mistakes but was unaware of them and didn't care when supervisors caught them and were like "please do this again." Eventually she got fired, but in the meantime, she though her job was really simple.

DP and I disagree. I have one incredibly easy kid and one incredibly hard kid. If you don't understand that easy kids exist, you clearly only have easy kids.

This is so true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different kids are different. Different parents respond differently to the stimuli of parenting. Families have varying support systems and resources. Also parents can feel overwhelmed by one stage of parenting and handling another stage better -- you clearly liked/handled the newborn and toddler stage well but you may feel quite differently when you have three teens, whereas your friends who feel overwhelmed by 1-2 young kids could love that stage and privately wonder why you don't.

A good mantra for every parent when thinking about the ways in which other families may struggle is "there but for the grace of god go I." You never know how or when you may be humbled, but most of us are humbled at some point.

Agree with this early PP. There but for the grace of God go I. If OP is real, she is insufferable.

You will be humbled OP. Enjoy your time in the sun thinking you're perfect. And keep that smug arrogance deep under wraps or those around you will not be there for you when you are.

[Anonymous]

I thought of this thread again as my two teen daughters continue to struggle/compete over our love and attention. No matter what we do, someone is not happy about it. It is impossible for my husband and I to make everyone happy. And we have comfortable finances and are very involved parents. I am so upset and stressed out and I see no end in sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

7-8 is easier than 3-4? OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so jealous of people with easy kids. You have no idea how good you have it and are often so smug about your parenting.

I don't actually think they have easy kids. I think they are just neglectful parents. All kids have their challenges. A parent who is like "oh my kid is pretty set it and forget it" is just a bad parent. Maybe if they have a good co-parent or really involved grandparents or an excellent nanny, it will shake out okay in the end. But it's not so much that their kids are easy as that they just aren't trying that hard at parenting.

Like haven't you ever had a coworker who was like "oh this job is so easy" but then you realize that actually they just don't do it very well? I worked with a woman like this when I was an associate editor and her job was easy because she made a lot of mistakes but was unaware of them and didn't care when supervisors caught them and were like "please do this again." Eventually she got fired, but in the meantime, she though her job was really simple.

DP and I disagree. I have one incredibly easy kid and one incredibly hard kid. If you don't understand that easy kids exist, you clearly only have easy kids.

+100 I never appreciated how easy my first kid was until I had the second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

7-8 is easier than 3-4? OK.

It's the ages. Only two of her kids are very small, and three are old enough to help with the occasional needs of the 6 and 5 year olds.

When she had only 4, she had an infant, and a 2, 3, and 4 year old who needed help with almost everything.

It is probably *not* easier than if she had only kids aged 14, 13, 11 and 9 now.