DH job misery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

You made an agreement years ago, but now he has had a mental breakdown due to his job and you aren't willing to reconsider? You sound really heartless, if this job causes him to be suicidal might you allow him to make a change or is the money really worth his mental health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has been very immature the last few years, telling me that he will be nicer when he is happier in his job, as though that is excuse to treat me like garbage

Hon, get your ducks in order to dump this guy.

Oh, yeah, the $30k that she earns a year is going to be great for her. Lol.

She can make more. I've seen sahms that have been out of work for 20 years dump husbands like this and do just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More like 400-200 and I do have income already yes, but only like 30k.

You need to find a higher paying job if you want to compensate for his taking a lower-paying one. $200K isn't chump change.

But if it's not enough to sustain their current lifestyle, and he's used to buying his way out of all child care and domestic work, he's going to have to give up at least one of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

If you cannot cover your bills on $230k of income, then you need to reduce the bills.

Which would mean moving! I am not a magician, I can’t just undo our life.

NP Then be miserable.

"I am not a magician" FFS. People will use any excuse to avoid completely reasonable changes to improve their lives.

You are choosing misery. Be miserable.

[Anonymous]

are you for real? you can't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More like 400-200 and I do have income already yes, but only like 30k.

SO he is going to go from making 400k in a job where he is miserable to making 200k in a job he thinks he may like more?

OP, that's a reasonable life decision. You need to point out to him that this means he will have to step up and do more at home so you can try to make more (if you are college educated, you can make more than 30k per year doing almost anything - cmon OP). Or that you may need to sell the house.

Op, don't be selfish. 200k is a reasonable salary.

I am college educated, I even have a masters degree, but the combination of being out of work for 20 years and my career path doesn’t give me a ton of options. But if anyone has any suggestions, I would be more than happy to listen! That could definitely be a good option

Wait - how old are your kids?

Your other posts suggest your kids are still pretty little (elementary school) which tracks with the assumptions that are being made about your husband being at a law firm.

If your kids are older (middle school/high school) I would imagine you have more flexibility in working more hours - especially if your spouse is going to be available more for chauffeuring and other time sensitive parenting that older kids need.

Not that I'm without sympathy for you, but I also feel for your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound pretty unreasonable. $230k is a very healthy income and yes, you could move to a smaller house with a lower mortgage in exchange for your husband not being miserable and hard to be around for the rest of your kids' years at home. If you are a nurse you could also make up for a lot of the gap by working full time. It's harder to earn as much with teaching, but you'd be off on school breaks, and both are way easier for women to get back into after being out of the workforce than many other fields. (Also, if it's been 20 years- how old are your kids? When does it end?)

It's just not fair to box him into this and tell him he has to medicate himself to put up with his life because nobody else can compromise their lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

Let me start by saying that I understand the set up you two have. I am a single earner and my wife has been a SAHM for 17 years. I think that the work of a SAHP is very important, and that have a SAHP is great for kids.

I will also say that I have had some very toxic jobs over the years and have bounced around a bit. My wife 100% cared deeply for my mental health and happiness and supported me when I left the private sector for a govt job that drastically cut pay (similar to what you are proposing). She also supported me when I came back into the private sector because I understood that I needed to make more money and needed a more dynamic job. That support has meant everything to me, and for what it's worth, I have for years now made high six figures/low seven figures, and we are obviously quite comfortable. In addition to the moral support, she is also committed to living below our means so that there is always an exit when/if things get crazy again. This support has meant everything to me, and I think I have repaid that with good financial decisions.

I will say, if your husband is a lawyer at a firm, the stress and toxicity of the job can be incredibly high and hard to imagine. This is especially true if you've spent your adult life barely working, and especially so at a low stress job. There is a reason that high stress jobs have really high incidence of mental health issues, including alcoholism. Frankly, it sounds like you just don't understand the stress, and that can be incredibly lonely.

[Anonymous]

OP it is what it is, not what you thought or what the agreement was.
Your husband is going crazy from the stress of his job. He is trying to save himself and his sanity.
If you don't let him, he may well be unable to work. Does he have much sick leave or disability insurance? What happens if he has to take a medical leave of absence and what does that say about his earning prospects where he is now or where he can find work later?

I say this as someone who went bipolar like crazy from a toxic job. I ended up on medical leave. I never went back.

It was hard looking for work a year later. I got a job paying half what the old one did.

[Anonymous]

OP here- this is all super helpful and I appreciate the responses. You are all right in your views and I want to support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you love him? You need to move and find a better situation for him; and you need to become a teacher or something rather than whatever artsy job pays $30k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More like 400-200 and I do have income already yes, but only like 30k.

So, you were all smug about marrying a “provider” and now he is saying that his mental health is more valuable than your material aspirations?

Tough luck lady. Learn to live on what you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that you should live off that reduced amount now before making the decision so he can see the impact on his and the family lifestyle. No lunch, no movie, and he starts pitching in more at home so you can find higher paying work. Frankly, I would be preparing for a divorce since he sounds very selfish and immature.

The problem is that he thinks a job has presented itself and wants to jump on it asap.

No, he does not get to do that when he is a father and has bills to cover!

He absolutely does. His body/health, his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

Do you feel that it is unfair to him that you work part time for very little money while he endures a toxic job?

And the "for whatever reason" makes me think that you haven't really taken the time to try to understand what he's going through. Of course you want him to continue with this job -- you get to work part time at a "jobby" and live comfortably.

I don’t feel it’s unfair to him because we agreed many years ago that I would stay home to take care of the children that we had and he would cover the finances. On the flipside, I would do all of the housework, cleaning, kids, schoolwork, planning, yard work, social obligations, holiday planning, taxes, finances, etc.. and there were times when my job was a lot harder than his. We had several children very close in age, and it sucked. I didn’t sleep for several years, and I never once asked him to get up in the night.
Our children are all still home with us and while they’re in school full-time, they still need us. He doesn’t see that.
I am very sad that his job has been hard the last few years and that it has brought him down. I personally think he needs medication, but he will not try that. I also suggested therapy. When my life was hard, I did not turn into drinking, I tried to do what I needed to do to get things done in a positive manner.
I am happy to work more and try to make more money, but because I’ve been out of work for so long, and because my career path is not a lucrative one (think nurse or teacher), I could never make up the difference by getting a full-time job.

You made an agreement years ago, but now he has had a mental breakdown due to his job and you aren't willing to reconsider? You sound really heartless, if this job causes him to be suicidal might you allow him to make a change or is the money really worth his mental health?

So your married his paycheck, he will probably sus that out eventually and leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is saying “we can live on less, we can move, etc” but it seems very impulsive and not very strategic. I get that he hates his job but this also feels unfair to me and our children. For whatever reason this job has made him have a mental breakdown of sorts and he is still trying to piece together himself after a really bad year last year.

You should wait until he gets a real mental breakdown then. Let’s see how you’ll support a family and a disabled husband on your $30K.