How much does an elderly parent realize their words are hurtful?

[Anonymous]

OP, an elder might now be a child -- have the filter and thought process of a child.

[Anonymous]

Their world becomes smaller as they age and they do start to get a little self centered.

There are adult children who place their own lives on hold to fret over and tend to their elderly parents. They shuttle them from doctor to doctor, taking notes, making sure they have the best tests, screenings, shots, hospital rooms…. They are on top of their meds, they know all of their senior parent’s friends and even go out to lunch with them and have all of their phone numbers and email addresses. It’s like what a mommy does for her preschool child.

I’m 60 and I don’t even do that for myself. I can’t do that for anyone else and if the parent who raised me doesn’t get that well..that probably means that the parent has unrealistic expectations of me and needs to find someone who will do a better job or they simply need to adjust their expectations a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that your father is scared and fearful at the end of his life. He hears his friends bragging about all his kids do, no doubt exaggerated and put in the best possible light. Your dad assumes all of this is true, and he probably wishes he was getting the same kind of attention and had the same kind of stories to tell. And when he shares any of this with you, there is probably a certain amount of guilt that you aren't doing all of that for your dad. But how to live up to what is probably exaggeration?

I see it as not very different than the jealousies (probably too strong of a word) people experience when a coworker or another mom or any other person in phases of life share/spin their own successes and the jealousies these stories can bring out in us.

In this case, your dad is in the end of life stage, but unlike when they were younger there is little filter left to keep those thoughts to themselves. On top of which is the fear of being at the end.

I agree with this. Stories about how someone knows all the doctors and does everything is him wishing you'd do that for him. My mom tells me how someone does this or that for their parent, as if it exists in vacuum. My uncle was well-known and after his funeral my mom went on and on how his daughter arranged such a nice funeral for him with so many famous people! Emphasis on his daughter somehow miraculously getting it done, while in reality people showed up because of all the lives he had impacted. I don't think they mean it negatively, I think at the end of their lives they want more attention and gushing over? The stories about how somebody's daughter or son is a "top dog" is the same, showing off.

My mom used to tell me about all her friends who were invited on their kids/grandkids family vacations. I know it's bc she wanted us to take her along on our vacations. For many reasons, that would never work for our family.

I agree with PP above- the dynamics they are jealous of don't exist in a vacuum. The examples my mom had were of grandparents who paid for the entire vacation and provided babysitting so their adult children could go on date nights with their spouses. But in her mind, she thought those people all had better relationships, and she wanted that from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

None of what you have described has anything to do with him being 'nice' or 'liking you'. He's just talking to you about other people. You are setting this whole comparison thing up in your head because you are insecure. He probably tells his friends how fantastic you are too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks. I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her. People have different opinions. A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism. So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks. I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her. People have different opinions. A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism. So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."

*without "hurt"

[Anonymous]

Honestly your examples make you look hypersensitive, OP. I’ve had to deal with a 60-something, non-demented parent who called me fat, who said my toddler daughter was fat, and told me I’d ruined my life by marrying my husband… this is what intentional cruelty looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that your father is scared and fearful at the end of his life. He hears his friends bragging about all his kids do, no doubt exaggerated and put in the best possible light. Your dad assumes all of this is true, and he probably wishes he was getting the same kind of attention and had the same kind of stories to tell. And when he shares any of this with you, there is probably a certain amount of guilt that you aren't doing all of that for your dad. But how to live up to what is probably exaggeration?

I see it as not very different than the jealousies (probably too strong of a word) people experience when a coworker or another mom or any other person in phases of life share/spin their own successes and the jealousies these stories can bring out in us.

In this case, your dad is in the end of life stage, but unlike when they were younger there is little filter left to keep those thoughts to themselves. On top of which is the fear of being at the end.

I think you are right about him feeling he isn’t getting the same attention and about my guilt. There’s also a but of anger mixed in as my brother and I had done a lot for him! He often says how much he appreciates it (to the point where we have to stop him) and now this.
It’s hard to say what he is really thinking!

I'm the PP. I think he can be appreciative and want more (of many things) at different times. No different than any of us. We don't feel the same way about things every second. Some days I love my house. Other days I get frustrated by the things that need done. (Bad example.) On the one hand, you are doing a lot, and he does appreciate it. But on other days, probably after hearing his friend regale him with the exaggerated tales of all his kids are doing, he then wants more.

I think the lack of filters is part of it, but I see with my own parents how much they miss the excitement of their younger lives. Half the time they are bored, and when they are with people (younger who are still in the going/doing/having stages--or older whose pastimes are comparing what their kids do for them) those interactions aren't necessarily satisfying.

The happiest my parents are is when they get to tell the stories of their own adventures and accomplishments--for the 1000th time. I've learned to listen, and when one of them is sort of down, ask about X time or Y time. Ask about the past.

Basically, your dad is appreciative, but at some level you can't give him what he really wants. To turn back time.

This is OP. Thank you for your thoughtful responses.
It may be selfish but I don’t want to deal with his complex psychological issues. I am already trying to tell him as little as possible about me or my kids, so that’s a step.
Now I need to stop paying attention to all the tales of someone’s daughters or sons. Ugh there’s fewer and fewer things I can talk to him about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, an elder might now be a child -- have the filter and thought process of a child.

Yeah except they aren’t so cute

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their world becomes smaller as they age and they do start to get a little self centered.

There are adult children who place their own lives on hold to fret over and tend to their elderly parents. They shuttle them from doctor to doctor, taking notes, making sure they have the best tests, screenings, shots, hospital rooms…. They are on top of their meds, they know all of their senior parent’s friends and even go out to lunch with them and have all of their phone numbers and email addresses. It’s like what a mommy does for her preschool child.

I’m 60 and I don’t even do that for myself. I can’t do that for anyone else and if the parent who raised me doesn’t get that well..that probably means that the parent has unrealistic expectations of me and needs to find someone who will do a better job or they simply need to adjust their expectations a bit.

I think my problem is that I take Dad’s words too seriously
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that your father is scared and fearful at the end of his life. He hears his friends bragging about all his kids do, no doubt exaggerated and put in the best possible light. Your dad assumes all of this is true, and he probably wishes he was getting the same kind of attention and had the same kind of stories to tell. And when he shares any of this with you, there is probably a certain amount of guilt that you aren't doing all of that for your dad. But how to live up to what is probably exaggeration?

I see it as not very different than the jealousies (probably too strong of a word) people experience when a coworker or another mom or any other person in phases of life share/spin their own successes and the jealousies these stories can bring out in us.

In this case, your dad is in the end of life stage, but unlike when they were younger there is little filter left to keep those thoughts to themselves. On top of which is the fear of being at the end.

I agree with this. Stories about how someone knows all the doctors and does everything is him wishing you'd do that for him. My mom tells me how someone does this or that for their parent, as if it exists in vacuum. My uncle was well-known and after his funeral my mom went on and on how his daughter arranged such a nice funeral for him with so many famous people! Emphasis on his daughter somehow miraculously getting it done, while in reality people showed up because of all the lives he had impacted. I don't think they mean it negatively, I think at the end of their lives they want more attention and gushing over? The stories about how somebody's daughter or son is a "top dog" is the same, showing off.

My mom used to tell me about all her friends who were invited on their kids/grandkids family vacations. I know it's bc she wanted us to take her along on our vacations. For many reasons, that would never work for our family.

I agree with PP above- the dynamics they are jealous of don't exist in a vacuum. The examples my mom had were of grandparents who paid for the entire vacation and provided babysitting so their adult children could go on date nights with their spouses. But in her mind, she thought those people all had better relationships, and she wanted that from us.

Thank you, this helps a lot. My mother used to say that too, but it was much clearer with her in my mind that I don’t owe it to her. But my dad was the nice guy, so it’s not so clear.

Someone mentioned his track record of being nice. Now that I think of it, him being nice was mostly not doing all the bad things my mother did. It was some image that I had of him. However, I am not trying to decide if he was indeed a nice guy or just someone who didn’t have an opinion on anything and wanted to stay out of things.
Not sure it makes sense but writing here and discussing it helps me process things.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your examples make you look hypersensitive, OP. I’ve had to deal with a 60-something, non-demented parent who called me fat, who said my toddler daughter was fat, and told me I’d ruined my life by marrying my husband… this is what intentional cruelty looks like.

Yes, what you mention sounds horrible.
My mother was pretty cruel in a lot of what she said but with her it was clear for me that “she is bad, I am good, she should be thankful I even talk to her still”. With my dad it’s not so clear. I am still trying to process my family history and understand what his role was and if he indeed was/is the good guy (it’s all triggered by my mother’s fairly recent death).
It feels like I don’t really know my dad that well, he was always in my mother’s shadow (at least since I moved out as a college student) and I didn’t have a chance to form an opinion on him. I am getting to know him now and unfortunately I don’t like most of what I see

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people tend to have a lot of main character syndrome. They can only hear their own thoughts about anything because they can't easily absorb others viewpoints and tend to blurt their own thoughts aloud.

This. Plus losing brain plasticity. You can't take it personally and you probably can't fix it. You CAN adjust how you interact with your dad and limit what you share with him by establishing boundaries. In my case, I don't tell my parents about my problems. It makes our relationship more superficial but it also limits their ability to get under my skin.

Yes I’m already trying to limit what he knows about me but I slip up sometimes or there all these bragging friends of his.
I guess it’s work in progress. I think I don’t like the fact that as I hang out with him, my opinion of him is getting less and less positive? I understand it’s old age and all but I can’t change the overall feeling about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

None of what you have described has anything to do with him being 'nice' or 'liking you'. He's just talking to you about other people. You are setting this whole comparison thing up in your head because you are insecure. He probably tells his friends how fantastic you are too.

Okay thank you! Appreciate your opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks. I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her. People have different opinions. A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism. So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."

Yes I know he judges some of my parenting and it’s ok with me. I guess I just want him to keep it to himself.
I don’t know if you say anything to your daughter about her parenting, but I think she would be hurt if you did even if she didn’t show it. At least about the snacks issue you mentioned. I think there’s just no way for a parent to say anything about their adult child’s parenting without hurting them at least a little, tbh.
They’ve learned everything they thought they needed to learn about parenting by now, and if they aren’t doing it the way that would get approval from you is that either they disagree, or their child is different. But I digress.

Yes I am trying to understand if he is just blurting it out or he is trying to hint at something. This is the whole point.