Reply to How much does an elderly parent realize their words are hurtful?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would guess that your father is scared and fearful at the end of his life. He hears his friends bragging about all his kids do, no doubt exaggerated and put in the best possible light. Your dad assumes all of this is true, and he probably wishes he was getting the same kind of attention and had the same kind of stories to tell. And when he shares any of this with you, there is probably a certain amount of guilt that you aren't doing all of that for your dad. But how to live up to what is probably exaggeration?

I see it as not very different than the jealousies (probably too strong of a word) people experience when a coworker or another mom or any other person in phases of life share/spin their own successes and the jealousies these stories can bring out in us.

In this case, your dad is in the end of life stage, but unlike when they were younger there is little filter left to keep those thoughts to themselves. On top of which is the fear of being at the end.[/quote]

I think you are right about him feeling he isn’t getting the same attention and about my guilt. There’s also a but of anger mixed in as my brother and I had done a lot for him! He often says how much he appreciates it (to the point where we have to stop him) and now this. 
It’s hard to say what he is really thinking! [/quote]

I'm the PP. I think he can be appreciative and want more (of many things) at different times. No different than any of us. We don't feel the same way about things every second. Some days I love my house. Other days I get frustrated by the things that need done. (Bad example.) On the one hand, you are doing a lot, and he does appreciate it. But on other days, probably after hearing his friend regale him with the exaggerated tales of all his kids are doing, he then wants more.

I think the lack of filters is part of it, but I see with my own parents how much they miss the excitement of their younger lives. Half the time they are bored, and when they are with people (younger who are still in the going/doing/having stages--or older whose pastimes are comparing what their kids do for them) those interactions aren't necessarily satisfying.

The happiest my parents are is when they get to tell the stories of their own adventures and accomplishments--for the 1000th time. I've learned to listen, and when one of them is sort of down, ask about X time or Y time. Ask about the past.

Basically, your dad is appreciative, but at some level you can't give him what he really wants. To turn back time. [/quote]

This is OP. Thank you for your thoughtful responses. 
It may be selfish but I don’t want to deal with his complex psychological issues. I am already trying to tell him as little as possible about me or my kids, so that’s a step.
Now I need to stop paying attention to all the tales of someone’s daughters or sons. Ugh there’s fewer and fewer things I can talk to him about. [/quote]

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