How much does an elderly parent realize their words are hurtful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks. I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her. People have different opinions. A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism. So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."

I don't think it's appropriate to criticize someone's parenting related to what kids eat or how they dress. Unless there are obvious health problems, we all eat some sugar/snacks sometimes and nobody cares! I always hated my mom commenting on how I dress since I was a teen -- she's overweight and was projecting, so every clothing item had some problems, especially skinny pants or anything that showed some body shape! Who cares if a teen wears ripped pants or shoes that have laces that you don't have to lace... I have often wondered if parents/grandparents don't themselves realize how stupid they sound judging fashion trends. A lot of old folks make it their mission to only "communicate" through judging and negative comments. You can have your different opinions, but learn to keep them to yourself, nobody wants to listen to you literally not liking anything and being out-of-date with current trends!

It's my daughter who struggles with weight and is now doing the same thing to her toddlers who is "out-of-date" with the damage that sugar causes. Of course everyone eats treats. That's not the issue. All of you who say that grandparents should never comment on parenting sure like to comment on your own parents' lives, conduct, etc. Hint: that's what family members do. If I love my grandkids, I can say something, which she is free to ignore.

I think it’s different with commenting on the parents’ lifestyle because parents are going to put up with it more, as they need their adult kids much more than vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me!

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks. I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her. People have different opinions. A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism. So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."

I don't think it's appropriate to criticize someone's parenting related to what kids eat or how they dress. Unless there are obvious health problems, we all eat some sugar/snacks sometimes and nobody cares! I always hated my mom commenting on how I dress since I was a teen -- she's overweight and was projecting, so every clothing item had some problems, especially skinny pants or anything that showed some body shape! Who cares if a teen wears ripped pants or shoes that have laces that you don't have to lace... I have often wondered if parents/grandparents don't themselves realize how stupid they sound judging fashion trends. A lot of old folks make it their mission to only "communicate" through judging and negative comments. You can have your different opinions, but learn to keep them to yourself, nobody wants to listen to you literally not liking anything and being out-of-date with current trends!

It's my daughter who struggles with weight and is now doing the same thing to her toddlers who is "out-of-date" with the damage that sugar causes. Of course everyone eats treats. That's not the issue. All of you who say that grandparents should never comment on parenting sure like to comment on your own parents' lives, conduct, etc. Hint: that's what family members do. If I love my grandkids, I can say something, which she is free to ignore.

I never understood and actually really dislike this view of "if I love someone, I'm free to critique them 24/7". Has your critiquing helped your daughter lose weight? Or maybe every time you talk about it (again) she goes and stress-eats a gallon of ice-cream? It's not up to you what your grandkids eat, you're not in charge -- your daughter is! Maybe look at your own parenting if your daughter has issues with her weight -- why didn't you teach her proper eating habits?!

DP. It’s not always possible to teach kids something. Sometimes they are dumb and insist on ruining their lives or they have mental issues or whatever.
Still risky to comment on their choices because they can cut you out in no time.
An average 30+ yo person doesn’t really need a parent in their lives, certainly not a criticizing one unless maybe they give money.

[Anonymous]

My MAGA father is his mid70s has gone full Handmaid’s Tale on me. He knows I disagree with the administration and what they’re doing to federal workers and sent me an email advising me to “focus on my children and pray to God” instead of thinking about what’s going on in DC. I’m in my early 50s and this is how he speaks to me. 🤷‍♀️ I have no business being concerned about Trump RIFing my spouse and should just be a better mother and pray more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

This is what I'm seeing in my mother. She's been retired for 20 years and although she worked all her life and raised three kids, it seems like she's forgotten what it's like to work in an office or take care of kids.

That and the Facebook. Mostly all she see's of her old friends is their Facebook posts. Old people like to brag. As a community they're all becoming snobs.

My mom used to be the nice one when I was a teen, my dad was always an a*hole. She has been on the decline and COVID made it worse. Now she is even worse than my dad. I cannot even be around them. We are estranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older people get mean as they age.
Unless he has a psychological problem, he means every word he said.

You have a psychological problem if you believe this to be true.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t experienced it, but there are people of all ages who say hurtful things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

This is what I'm seeing in my mother. She's been retired for 20 years and although she worked all her life and raised three kids, it seems like she's forgotten what it's like to work in an office or take care of kids.

That and the Facebook. Mostly all she see's of her old friends is their Facebook posts. Old people like to brag. As a community they're all becoming snobs.

My mom used to be the nice one when I was a teen, my dad was always an a*hole. She has been on the decline and COVID made it worse. Now she is even worse than my dad. I cannot even be around them. We are estranged.

They become more of who they really are. My father has always been a chauvinist and now, forget it. It’s all hanging out. I can’t stand to be around him because he looks down on women, especially if they’re educated and did better in life than he did (it’s just because of DEI, no other reason a woman can be successful and if she is BUT she’s a good conservative Christian who hates the commies, well, she must be blessed by Jesus).

[Anonymous]

My MIL, who is definitely starting down the dementia path, just says whatever she thinks of first that is related to the topic. I imagine her brain is kind of like a disastrous playroom with random toys covering every surface, and she can’t possibly find the right toy, so she just finds the nearest one that is somewhat relevant.
All to say, I don’t think your father is reflecting on your actions at all, I think he just is saying whatever randomly related thing his brain grabs first from the messy pile.

TL;DR— it’s not you, it’s him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL, who is definitely starting down the dementia path, just says whatever she thinks of first that is related to the topic. I imagine her brain is kind of like a disastrous playroom with random toys covering every surface, and she can’t possibly find the right toy, so she just finds the nearest one that is somewhat relevant.
All to say, I don’t think your father is reflecting on your actions at all, I think he just is saying whatever randomly related thing his brain grabs first from the messy pile.

TL;DR— it’s not you, it’s him

Love it 😂

[Anonymous]

Maybe he’s like my mom was - she always assumed if a friend was proud of their child, the child must have done something astounding.

I was so happy when it became possible to look up people’s houses online. My mom would tell me about so-and-so who was SO PROUD of their kid who had just bought a house. Then we’d look at the house online and my mom would be visibly confused about a parent being proud of their child for buying a … regular house.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive decline is a real thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your examples make you look hypersensitive, OP. I’ve had to deal with a 60-something, non-demented parent who called me fat, who said my toddler daughter was fat, and told me I’d ruined my life by marrying my husband… this is what intentional cruelty looks like.

My mother and father do the same things.