How much does an elderly parent realize their words are hurtful?

[Anonymous]

My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it.
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets.
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental.
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing.

[Anonymous]

Older people get mean as they age.
Unless he has a psychological problem, he means every word he said.

[Anonymous]

My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

Exactly. And while you're free to be hurt and angry... when you lose your filter, you might say the same stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Older people get mean as they age.
Unless he has a psychological problem, he means every word he said.

I mean he has a lot of mental problems but they are low key enough for him to go undiagnosed, and meanness wasn’t one of them ever. It’s a new side of him I am seeing. My brother’s take is that anything that comes from our dad’s mouth, at least related to everyday life, is nonsense that must be ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

He always lacked filter, but not in a mean way I think. When I was a teen he told me it was good I wasn’t strikingly beautiful because people would love me for me. I know he didn’t mean it the way it came off.
I thought he generally liked me. Now it’s too much praise and thanking me profusely, or things like the above.
It’s hard not to take it as judgment of me as a mother and daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

Exactly. And while you're free to be hurt and angry... when you lose your filter, you might say the same stuff.

I guess I want to know if this is indeed what it seems, him being judgmental towards me. Or is he simply telling me his impressions of his friend’s daughter or of his son as a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

Exactly. And while you're free to be hurt and angry... when you lose your filter, you might say the same stuff.

I guess I want to know if this is indeed what it seems, him being judgmental towards me. Or is he simply telling me his impressions of his friend’s daughter or of his son as a parent?

The latter of course. I thought that would be obvious.

[Anonymous]

Body is declining, senses are declining, also mind is declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

Exactly. And while you're free to be hurt and angry... when you lose your filter, you might say the same stuff.

I guess I want to know if this is indeed what it seems, him being judgmental towards me. Or is he simply telling me his impressions of his friend’s daughter or of his son as a parent?

The latter of course. I thought that would be obvious.

No, not at all, not to me! It was obvious with the earlier examples but not now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Body is declining, senses are declining, also mind is declining.

Fine, I understand whene he forgets or doesn’t know stuff but this just sounds mean?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to do this.

It's not that they get meaner. It's that they lose their filter and words just blurt out. They don't think before they speak like most of us do, partially because they are out of practice for having to do so in an office/ community environment.

This is what I'm seeing in my mother. She's been retired for 20 years and although she worked all her life and raised three kids, it seems like she's forgotten what it's like to work in an office or take care of kids.

That and the Facebook. Mostly all she see's of her old friends is their Facebook posts. Old people like to brag. As a community they're all becoming snobs.

[Anonymous]

They don’t see other people as being human in the same way they are human

[Anonymous]

I bet he’s making equally ludicrous and obnoxious statements to your brother, just on different topics, assuming your brother shares info about kids with him. I’d also guess his friend either exaggerates, your dad exaggerates what his friend says about their kid, or they have some weird competition about whose kids are better and they both tell stories like that.

My mom used to compare my sister and me in such a way we both thought she put the other on a pedestal. She was just being a butthead. She also told both of us about gifts she and dad gave the other, making us both think they were giving a lot of money to the other sibling. Most of that was untrue. My sister was still on their cell phone family plan, but she sent them payments every month. My parents would mention that they still covered her cell phone from time to time. Once I took a trip with them and they told my sister they treated me, but I paid my way.

All that to say, some people like to spew nonsense. It doesn’t mean anything about you, it’s just that they don’t have as much excitement in their lives as they did before, and when you take away their filter, you get this kind of verbal diarrhea. Disregard most of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet he’s making equally ludicrous and obnoxious statements to your brother, just on different topics, assuming your brother shares info about kids with him. I’d also guess his friend either exaggerates, your dad exaggerates what his friend says about their kid, or they have some weird competition about whose kids are better and they both tell stories like that.

My mom used to compare my sister and me in such a way we both thought she put the other on a pedestal. She was just being a butthead. She also told both of us about gifts she and dad gave the other, making us both think they were giving a lot of money to the other sibling. Most of that was untrue. My sister was still on their cell phone family plan, but she sent them payments every month. My parents would mention that they still covered her cell phone from time to time. Once I took a trip with them and they told my sister they treated me, but I paid my way.

All that to say, some people like to spew nonsense. It doesn’t mean anything about you, it’s just that they don’t have as much excitement in their lives as they did before, and when you take away their filter, you get this kind of verbal diarrhea. Disregard most of it.

Yes my mother would complain to each of us kids about the other and their spouses!
With dad it’s a bit different. I am not concerned about whether I am really a bad or a good mother, but rather that my dad who I always thought was nice is now being a petty, judgmental person.
Or is he just clueless and is fascinated by facts from someone’s life.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but lately I feel like I haven’t known him that well all my life.