How would you react if your college DD scolded you publicly because you asked her to hang out one night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she want you to come visit or did you want to visit? The last thing I would have wanted at that age was to have my parents come to my school to spend a weekend. And now I love to have my mom come visit and want her to meet the people in my town who matter to me. I kind of wonder if the real problem is that she was biting her tongue about you visiting at all and then this was a straw that broke the camel’s back.

If that rings true my advice would be to tell her that you want her to be able to tell you when something doesn’t work but that this way of telling you was hurtful and that you both need to work on communication. And then going forward I would be careful not to push an agenda.

So rather than “I’m going to come out X weekend to see your game and then you and I can visit Uncle Oldguy. Can you make sure you have that whole weekend off?”

Phrase it more like “I’d really love to see one of your games. If I came out X or Y weekend how would you feel about that?”

Yes, she knew I was coming. It was her final match of the season. It wasn't all weekend, it was Friday night and a train ride back Saturday morning. I flew back home Saturday afternoon.

Critically, the question wasn’t whether she KNEW you were coming, but whether she WANTED you to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you paying for her trips to hang out with her boyfriend? That part is mysterious to me. I think I need to know what the sarcastic comment you said to her was. She may be feeling pretty stressed at this point in this semester, and just like when they were toddlers, we parents are always the safe space For venting negative feelings. And the moment I would have said she hurt my feelings, but I appreciated that she was spending this time with me. I would tell her that it means a lot to me, more than she can now unless one day she becomes a parent herself.

She is probably in that stage of a relationship where it’s intolerable to be apart, and if they are having sex, then that’s an added reason why time with her boyfriend is so compelling. I’m sure it’s painful that she is pulling away and making her own life, but this is what we are all supposed to want for our kids, right? It does sound like you spoil her, and I’m not sure I would pay for her flights to other places. Or I would make them presents.

We were watching a streaming movie together on two laptops that were synced. But the wi-fi was terrible on the train so my laptop started being like 5 or so seconds ahead, she was irritated and demanded I stop and let the laptops re-sync so we were watching at the exact same time. I thought she was kidding and made a little joke. She was not kidding and that's when she snapped.

[Anonymous]

She was obviously very rude but your tone suggests you may be a bit needy. Im not judging you or your daughter I just think you might get more of what you want with a less needy attitude.

Like, don’t introduce a visit with a list of expectations for a specific time frame like that and instead say-“I’d love it if we could have a dinner and one other meal during the weekend (feel free to bring boyfriend!) and if you can swing it im going to visit uncle Leo Sunday morning and I bet he’d love to see you.”

[Anonymous]

20:17 and I want to add that I do think you need to stop paying for a bunch of extra fun travel. Give her a set amount of money for expenses (how much depends on whether her housing/meals/medical care are covered already) and if she wants to travel home you will pay for it but any other trips she can save up for, or get a job to pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:17 and I want to add that I do think you need to stop paying for a bunch of extra fun travel. Give her a set amount of money for expenses (how much depends on whether her housing/meals/medical care are covered already) and if she wants to travel home you will pay for it but any other trips she can save up for, or get a job to pay for.

Fully agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is spoiled and rude.

+1000. My mum would have slapped me across the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you paying for her trips to hang out with her boyfriend? That part is mysterious to me. I think I need to know what the sarcastic comment you said to her was. She may be feeling pretty stressed at this point in this semester, and just like when they were toddlers, we parents are always the safe space For venting negative feelings. And the moment I would have said she hurt my feelings, but I appreciated that she was spending this time with me. I would tell her that it means a lot to me, more than she can now unless one day she becomes a parent herself.

She is probably in that stage of a relationship where it’s intolerable to be apart, and if they are having sex, then that’s an added reason why time with her boyfriend is so compelling. I’m sure it’s painful that she is pulling away and making her own life, but this is what we are all supposed to want for our kids, right? It does sound like you spoil her, and I’m not sure I would pay for her flights to other places. Or I would make them presents.

We were watching a streaming movie together on two laptops that were synced. But the wi-fi was terrible on the train so my laptop started being like 5 or so seconds ahead, she was irritated and demanded I stop and let the laptops re-sync so we were watching at the exact same time. I thought she was kidding and made a little joke. She was not kidding and that's when she snapped.

Apologize and move forward in life. You have to deescalate not escalate if you want to keep a relationship healthy.

[Anonymous]

"scolded you publicly" not nearly. You think you can buy her love and respect but that doesn't work. Now you are self conscious and waiting to get your feelings hurt

[Anonymous]

Before casting judgment I would want to know what sarcastic remark you made. It sounds like you really got under her skin, and she got angry. What she said was definitely rude, but perhaps what you said was rude too.

I guess it really hurt you that she wants to spend Thanksgiving with the boyfriend's family. Maybe explain that you didn't mean the sarcastic remark, you will really miss her on Thanksgiving, and that perhaps you could reach a compromise where she or they spend the next Thanksgiving with you guys.

[Anonymous]

Put her in her place. Show her who is the Boss. <Cesar Millan youtube useful> When all else fail, disinherit her. Seriously OP, that is one hell of an ungrateful disrespectful move she did, and it does appear this is not a one of.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a complete overreaction on your part.

[Anonymous]

Soiling the nest happens before they LEAVE the nest, not after. You raised a spoiled brat. You indulged too much, so this is what you get. If my kid said that I'd immediately get them psychological testing because they'd be certifiably crazy to be so obnoxious. But I didn't raise my kids to be spoiled brats - I raised them to appreciate what they had, to know the difference between wants and needs and work for their own wants for the most part. You get out what you put in.

[Anonymous]

Since OP will not tell us what her “sarcastic” comment was, I’m assuming it was snarky and OP started this.

[Anonymous]

^^And, how long was this train ride that you had time to watch a movie??

[Anonymous]

She’s been shacking up with her boyfriend every night.