If your spouse works a lot, how do you manage expectations about your own availability?
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Anonymous
This is fair to OP but still doesn’t solve the issue of her DH believing she should drop everything the second he is free. |
Anonymous
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Well, I agree with the poster that says he lacks empathy — which would be a major challenge for me.
But it sounds like you have plenty of money so it is nuts that you are not hiring help. In my marriage, I am the primary earner and I travel a couple of times a month — but my husband also works a lot. One kid has profound SN. The other has inattentive ADHD and some anxiety. Our kids are teens and we have simply had tons of help over the years. That doesn’t mean we aren’t super involved, but you cannot do it all — particularly when you are still doing diapers changes, baths, etc for a 16 year old that is a baby cognitively. Sometimes it helps to see exactly what “help” can look like. Here is what that looks like. We generally have help 7 days a week. The demographic is usually a kid in college or a recent college grad. They are often looking towards grad school in a world where SN experience might look good for them (med school, PT, child life specialist, etc). I can generally be really flexible about scheduling. I just need help — although some amount of after school hours are the best. I usually have two people at a time since no one usually wants to actually work seven days a week, and I play to whatever their specific strengths are. If they like to cook, they can help with cooking. If not, they can do other stuff. Right now, I’ve got a recent college grad who is willing to split her days between mornings and afternoons. She comes at 6:15 and quietly gets our profound SN kid ready for school and into her van at 6:45. At that point my other kid and I are up and she packs her lunch and makes both of us breakfast while we get ready. She unloads the dishwasher that ran the night before. Between her, my husband and I somebody takes the other kid to school. For her second shift, she picked my less-SN kid up from school. I took over with that kid to work on homework with her (the ADHD kid). I asked the sitter to make the physical flash cards for the 43 words my kid has to learn by next Tuesday while I was helping with other homework and drove her to an activity. Sitter was keeping an eye on other kid and doing kid laundry during the two hour activity (and I came back home to work more). She then picked up the less-Sn kid from the activity and left. Somewhere in there, she also helped with dinner. It is immensely helpful to have a third person in the home. This sitter doesn’t come every morning. My husband and I have been splitting mornings for years. We go week by week on which mornings she can come and which days after school she can work. When she is there, it just takes the pressure off. |
Anonymous
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It feels like her DH is a physician and feels like her life should revolve around him. This requires therapy.
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Anonymous
Ma’am hire that help .. Then come back and tell us all how it’s going |
Anonymous
He seems to just want a bangmaid on call. |
Anonymous
OP here and we do have some help. I have help with cleaners and get groceries delivered and a lot of other one off type help. I’m actually not resentful really- I mostly feel bad for him that he’s missing out so much . I like my kids and unlike what I hear from some other families my kids are actually best behaved for me. We have not had success with babysitters and I ended up feeling resentful that I couldn’t figure that out and he wanted it to work so he did not have to feel guilty but didn’t help figure it out. I do think we will need more help if the kids do more activities in a few years. I dread trying to figure that out. We have some help from local family but we have had to cancel date nights because stuff has come up with his work on short notice and it’s frustrating. I have a VERY mommy tracked job but have considered cutting back even more. I actually feel like I am finding a decent balance, he’s just not a very big part of it in like a spouse role if that makes sense. If he has an hour to not work we spend it as a family; we both agree that has to be a big priority. |
Anonymous
Get a nanny. I have a sibling who has 3 kids under 6 and is a pilot and their spouse also has a big job and they manage. You have to prioritize finding the right nanny and paying them well, and get really good at outsourcing as much as possible. Have your cleaners do your laundry. Have your nanny do the kids' laundry and bring in the groceries and meal prep for dinner if the kids are occupied. |
Anonymous
You need to open your eyes. You say you feel bad for him, but does *he* feel bad for himself that he's "missing out" so much? If he really wanted it to work and felt guilty, he would have helped to figure it out! It sounds like he's pretty happy with the way things are, he just wants more s*x and attention from you-- but only when it's convenient for him, and your schedule is his last priority. |
Anonymous
| My hunch is that he’s the primary breadwinner by far and you work for “fulfillment.” In that case you’re hurting your family life and married life and need to quit. |
Anonymous
That’s not accurate. He does earn more than I do but my salary is a very significant percentage of our HHI and my job is very stable so he doesn’t want me to quit (his field is a lot more volatile). |
Anonymous
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It sounds like he's got you convinced that he's Mr. Super Duper Important Meeting Man, so that you'll handle everything he finds boring and basically cater to him 24/7 while he dips in and out of marriage and family life at his convenience and with no responsibility. I don't know why you would believe this. It's classic male avoidance. What on earth is he doing that's so incredibly important that he can't even guarantee you Saturday nights from 9 to 10 pm? He is telling you loud and clear that you are not a priority, and you're making every excuse you can think of because you don't want to face it.
You'll say that other people just don't get it, they just don't understand this kind of job. Well, maybe. But what I don't understand is why anyone, man or woman, would sign up for this lifestyle. |
Anonymous
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First of all, I applaud you for taking time for yourself given what sounds like a very busy schedule you have with a job and being the primary parent. That is so important.
It saddens me that your DH however doesn't value that. It suggests at minimum that he is not cognizant of your needs, or worse that he simply doesn't care about them. It is fundamentally inconsiderate for him to get upset at YOU for not being available for him on call. You need to explain to him that since he is so rarely available, it is not fair for him to ask you to drop everything when he is available. Either he wants to spend time with you and he commits to it, or he accepts that this is a difficult season of life for your marriage and he is going to have to accept that. |
Anonymous
| OP, it seems you've become comfortable in your parallel lives and don't really want to spend time with him. If didn't want to muss out on rare opportunity to spend time with him, you'll not mind cancelling on optional activities. You've developed resentment and this is your form of rebellion. It's justified but it would erode your relationship even faster. |
Anonymous
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I feel you OP. Very similar setup, but fewer kids. I don’t think his expectation is fair, but speaking from experience I don’t think you’re going to convince him otherwise. I’ve found 2 things that work:
1.) let the chores slide. If he’s free suddenly, ignore the dishes and laundry and just cuddle and watch TV. 2.) Day dates with friends. Most of my friends are in similar situations, so we make breakfast dates. My DH does the same thing. It’s not fair, and I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
| Einstein had to divorce his wife and abandon his kids to do his work. He ended up marrying his cousin who catered to his life 24/7/365. Different people have different priorities. |