Is it reasonable to stop visiting ILs?

[Anonymous]

You keep driving to them twice a year. That's not too much. Stop analyzing how much fun you're having. You don't get to do that. It's a duty. Sometimes things are a duty.

You could choose to stay in a hotel. That would be your/your DH's choice, not theirs. They don't get to decide that. You spend a portion of the day with them. See other things in their area - that's on you and DH to figure out. Create a pleasant trip out of it.

He visits alone sometimes, if more than the twice a year you're willing. They would love that too. Young parents should never lose sight that he is their little boy. They love him the same way and with the same intensity that you love your own children.

[Anonymous]

OP, most of your post, especially the beginning is so unnecessary. Unnecessarily cruel. And unimportant. All you're doing is trying to prove they aren't worthy of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know how often people here turn against the OP- but you honestly sound just as rigid as they are. It’s not up to you or your DH to find them approved hobbies to do - they are happy with whatever they are doing. They’ve done the heavy lifting of work, children, etc. and if they want to sit around and chat and watch TV - so what? The era they came from was less rat race in so many ways - people actually sat and chatted at dinner parties, played board games, looked through old photographs, played music just to listen to it.
Sounds like your kids are still napping, it sounds like they’re still very young, and that can be a hard age for some seniors to relate to. They’re not as physical as they once were, it’s hard to get down on the floor (and up!) to play Lego or games, and they’re not as familiar with their popular characters and culture that toddlers exist in. Sitting and watching them play IS the joy, because they get to see what your kid likes, who they are, etc. They may not know which activities to plan as there is nap time and a schedule and children with different abilities. A

Honestly, I think these visits are tough because you’re framing them as tough. You have an expectation of how things will go, and some of it could be mitigated by maybe you planning a few activities you know your kids can do that grandparents can watch, or by bringing some games, etc. that can fill the time for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

You visit them because it’s the kind and respectful thing to do, and it’s clearly important to your husband to honor his parents.

You visit them because one day, when your children decide that you’re “very different” from them, you will have modeled how to treat one’s parents with kindness and respect despite this fact. And they’ll visit you.

[Anonymous]

Where do they live? If it’s close-ish to a major or medium size city, could you stay at a hotel in the city - even for part of the trip? Could you mix in some sightseeing in the area? Even smaller and mid size cities often have things like a children’s museum (not sure how old your kids are), outdoor activities/trails/hiking, and historical sites. You can do that kind of stuff for most of the day and have dinner and visit with them at home in the afternoon/evenings. They might be feeling like it’s difficult to “host” for a long period of time, so time out of their house might be the best for both families.

I had a lot of non-local aunts/uncles/cousins growing up while my family was local to both sets of grandparents. They usually did not stay at “grandma’s house” when they visited, or just the kids would while the parents got a hotel (in the case of my younger and more energetic grandparents).

[Anonymous]

I would shorten visits and go less frequently. Guess I’m in the minority but both sides need to be interested in building a relationship. Your ILs may be fine people but they’re not putting any effort in. Sounds like you have tried to work with them but it hasn’t gone anywhere. There’s only so much time and energy you can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. Show up at their house for lunch, afternoon visit, dinner and then get back to the hotel. Do other stuff in the area in the mornings.

You could probably just go once a year and let your husband take the kids by himself once a year. If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, then he has been using you as a buffer which is BS. He can figure it out on his own or you all go once a year.

Something Iike this. Book a vacation nearby and invite them/have DH bring them to stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. Show up at their house for lunch, afternoon visit, dinner and then get back to the hotel. Do other stuff in the area in the mornings.

You could probably just go once a year and let your husband take the kids by himself once a year. If your husband doesn’t want to go without you, then he has been using you as a buffer which is BS. He can figure it out on his own or you all go once a year.

I came here to say this.

[Anonymous]

Send DH with the kids if he is so keen, you stay home and relax. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

I would try adjustments. When you do visit, do you stay at a hotel? If not, do that. Decrease the amount of time you spend with them and do some things on your own. Frame it as r3especting their routine and not wanting to wake them up early.

If that isn't enough, have DH sometimes go with the kids without you.

I would keep trying adjustments and decreases to make it work long before I'd just stop. I like to know I tried many solutions and gave many chances.

[Anonymous]

This sounds a lot like my in laws (minus the sleeping until noon part), and honestly a lot of older people are like this IME.

The suggestion of staying at a hotel is a good one (and framing it as “so the kids’ noise doesn’t wake you up early”

Beyond that, I’d make plans to do things during the day, and they can choose to join you or not. We don’t just sit around the house all day when we visit my ILs. We take the kids to the zoo, park, etc. and ILs are invited to join. Does your DH have any old friends still living in their area? Sometimes we visit my DH’s old friends for a few hours when we are in town (letting the ILs know well before the visit that we will be absent for a few hours) which is a nice break.

I’d also consider sending DH with one or both kids sometimes, with you staying home.

[Anonymous]

How far away do they live & how long do you usually stay? When my kids were small, we lived 2.5 hours away from ILs. Believe it or not, we usually just went for the day. We would arrive at 10-11am and stay until 6-7pm. It was a lot easier than dealing with overnights (no need to pack stuff) and then we still had a full weekend day. I vastly preferred this (and going somewhat more often) versus longer visits. The kids usually fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Maybe consider shortening the visits, even if it is a lot of driving?

[Anonymous]

This is easy, they sound like my ILs. You go if you can with your schedule when your kids are little. When they are old enough that you are no longer worried about their safety (like having 2 toddlers in a not childproofed house with old people or whatever) he goes alone.

My husband has been taking ours by himself for my years for those visits. As they get oldest and have more things you need to travel for if they do sports and you just want family vacations, it becomes harder to take off the time together for this anyway. We travel separately to visit out families.

[Anonymous]

“DH is very different from them - moved across the country to college, built a professional career, traveled the world. They worked minimum wage jobs, eat a few basic dishes that don't require cooking, have very limited interests in anything”

OP hasn’t considered the possibility that they are the way the are “limited interests” in anything and only eating “basic dishes that don’t require cooking” - because they spent their lives working their asses off in “minimum wage jobs” so their son could “move across the country to build a professional career and travel the world.”

They’ve earned the right to inconvenience OP in what really are some pretty insignificant ways a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

No. They sound fine. Boring and not similar to your lifestyle, but fine. You only stop visits if they are harmful.