Any help with teens that sneak out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no experience with this (at least as far as I know!), but would be horrified to find out about it.

As others suggested, I would invest in home security and crack down on freedoms like use of car, etc.

I would also consider where my kid's room is located. This is a possible benefit of having a very small home, LOL. At any rate, this is one reason why when we were looking for a home, my strong preference was for kids bedrooms to be located on the same floor as parents. Forced proximity can be a good thing!

Me again: All that said, I would do what I could but the reality is that you probably can't stop a really determined teen from sneaking out. It's terrifying to contemplate. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Does your teen have a job? Perhaps more responsibilities would reduce time with questionable friend group?

Chores are better than a job for a problem child, IMO. The issue with a job is that now your teen has access to money, and that means access to Uber, drugs, etc. Unless you keep a real accounting of the money he is earning - or transfer his payment check to something that you can monitor like a Greenlight account - proceed cautiously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Window and sliding glass door sensors along with cameras on all 4 sides of the house - only attached to your phone (not the house computer that they can loop the feed.)

I would also put find my friends on find my iPhone. There is a parent lock that won’t let you freeze like life 360. But make sure you have their iPhone screen time on parent code restrictions and they can’t offload or temp delete the app.

Under screen time, content and privacy restrictions. It forces a 4 digit code to add and/or delete apps.

My kids downtime is set 11pm to 7am anyway so they can’t mess with anything.

There is always risk for burner phones though. So that is why getting the house security better too. And you can also physically check in the middle of the night.

I wish you could come around to local elementary schools and do consults for parents. I'd pay for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Window and sliding glass door sensors along with cameras on all 4 sides of the house - only attached to your phone (not the house computer that they can loop the feed.)

I would also put find my friends on find my iPhone. There is a parent lock that won’t let you freeze like life 360. But make sure you have their iPhone screen time on parent code restrictions and they can’t offload or temp delete the app.

Under screen time, content and privacy restrictions. It forces a 4 digit code to add and/or delete apps.

My kids downtime is set 11pm to 7am anyway so they can’t mess with anything.

There is always risk for burner phones though. So that is why getting the house security better too. And you can also physically check in the middle of the night.

I wish you could come around to local elementary schools and do consults for parents. I'd pay for this.

There were posts in another thread that parents didn't know what screen time, app limits and downtime were on an iPhone. And I was like who the heck gives their teen a phone with unlimited internet, social media, and apps with no way to control it. That's insane.

[Anonymous]

My brother did this back in the day - my mom woke up for something in the middle of the night, went to check on him before going back to sleep, and found his room empty and the car gone. It just about gave her a heart attack. He came home to her sitting in the garage waiting for him.

Honestly, turning your house into a fortress is not the answer. Making it a game of whether you can put security measures in place that they can’t defeat is not an effective strategy. Moving his bedroom closer to yours seems like an excellent idea. Finding tracking for his phone that can’t be disabled. Make it very, very clear what the punishment will be if this happens again.

But also talk to him about it…a lot. Make sure he understands why you feel the way you do - it’s about safety, not controlling him. Try not to make it a him v you situation but an ongoing conversation. See if there are ways you can meet the underlying need more safely.

And yes, filling up his time a bit more is probably also a good idea. Not a coincidence this happened over break. Also maybe a set wake-up time for breaks and weekends that make being out all night a little more painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he? Where did he go?

14 and in a friends car that was 16 on a provisional license. Kid took the car from the driveway.

Is this the OP? If so, I think there are some issues of concern here--14 is very young and joy riding with older kids in a boosted car is high-risk behavior. I think family therapy may be the best place to address this issue. Is he open to talking about what is going on? He was honest with you about how he did it, maybe the door is open to discuss why. You can express your concern that he is young, he is making some risky decisions that seem to be out of character and tell him that you want to understand his thoughts/reasons for making these decisions. Emphasize that you love him, you are concerned about him and want to keep him safe. And then listen to his answers. There may be things going on at home that are really impacting him--no matter how well adults think they are being managed. He may be distressed, he may be in over his head with peer pressure, he may be struggling with self-esteem issues and trying to give himself a boost by hanging out with edgy, "cooler" kids and doing edgy risky things. 14 year old don't think about consequences and he likely does not have a realistic sense of the risks he is taking.

I feel for you. This is the terrible part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to work to improve the communication and honesty in your relationship with your child and to address the root of why he is drawn to this new friend group. Try and talk with him and figure out what the friend group is providing that he needs and then try and strategize with him other ways to fill this need. If he is bored and wants exciting risky activities help him look into adventure sports- outdoor rock climbing, full contact marshal arts, skiing….etc…. If he is lacking community, help him find other groups to be part of. If he lacks social skills to make other friends, get him into a social skills building group. —-Basically try and help him meet this needs. Also look into if there are ways you could be less restrictive to give him more freedom so he will have less motivation to sneak around your rules. I am not saying allow him to do anything he wants, just see if you and he can compromise a bit. A teen determined to sneak out will succeed no matter what you do. If you allow more freedom, you might in the long run end up with him making less risky decisions and also with him letting you know where he is. He is old enough also that he could get a job. This would help limit times of day he is free, which could also help with bad decision making.

[Anonymous]

If you have controlled every aspect of his life up to this point, then he is bucking up against your control.

[Anonymous]

I have gotten better compliance and safe behavior by allowing more. If her and a friend meet up at a local park at 1am Saturday a couple blocks away, they get the thrill but really it’s super safe around here and I know where she is.

Also you aren’t going to catch it all and I wouldn’t try. You’ll drive yourself crazy. If you catch it, punish and deal with it. But a bunch of cameras alarms and locks will make them sneakier. I’d give my kid a big lecture about driving around with a young driver more than sneaking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have controlled every aspect of his life up to this point, then he is bucking up against your control.

Where did the OP say that? Sounds like his new friend group is the issue

[Anonymous]

With our home security system, it's impossible to sneak in or out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have controlled every aspect of his life up to this point, then he is bucking up against your control.

I hate parents like you.

Have no idea what is going on
No helpful comments
Just judgement

[Anonymous]

But why is he sneaking around? That there is the issue. Focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why is he sneaking around? That there is the issue. Focus on that.

Are you serious? To party with friends I am sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have controlled every aspect of his life up to this point, then he is bucking up against your control.

Where did the OP say that? Sounds like his new friend group is the issue

Yes - but he sought out these friends. So if it wasn’t these kids it would likely be other kids making similar choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonym[b wrote:ous]I'd make him write a three page essay single spaced by hand about why sneaking out is not okay. Then he has to present it to the family. [/b]

Also, put chimes on that back window, on the outside so he'll knock into them, or lock the window.

What do you think this will solve? What behavior will change bc of this?