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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If she does end up moving in, OP, I think you have to have a hard conversation with DH about how this plays out. I don't think you have to be adversarial and get it in writing or anything, but you need to talk about:

What expectations on her are there, if anything? 
- chores? (wash her own dishes?)
- rent? (ever?)
- come to family meals?
- use of tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, etc., in the house? (if not allowed, what are consequences?)
- tell you when she is going to be out late or all night?
- therapy?
- job, or job search, or school? (if none of the above happens, what's the consequences for her?

How long is this supposed to last? 
And most importantly, at what point would her staying without work or school enrollment be beyond the pale? 
- Such as, would it be "crazy" if she's living here a year from now without any change? If dad doesn't think that will happen, then it's worth talking NOW that that would, of course, therefore be beyond the pale.

If there is a clear time limit, what's the plan for making that happen?
- e.g., if nothing has changed in 6 months, is DH going to have an apartment with first month rent and deposit lied up? How ACTUALLY does the transition happen, if it needs to?

I'm a big believer in family, and helping out, and safe spaces. I think you can do that well only if you know the boundaries in advance. If you don't talk about what would be "beyond the pale" before you get started, there is often a slow creep into crazy that you never would have agreed to in the beginning. And there is a head-in-the-sand thing about saying "that's not going to happen."

I think it's reasonable, if you are an introvert and at a certain point, this would be a hard limit for you, to talk about something like -- "I get you think is is only for the next 3-4 months, until she gets her act together. I've seen things go differently than you expect. I just want to be clear that I support you in supporting your daughter, but if she is stays well beyond that -- which you say is not going to happen -- that would be something I never signed up for. I'm fine with scrimping and saving to pay for an apartment for the first month/half year/year/whatever, but I don't want to live with a third adult."

You have to be able later to say that "we had this conversation, and 3-4 months was reasonable, and that a year would be absolutely crazy. Well, we are at crazy, and something has to change. Doesn't matter how we got here -- you assured me over and over that we wouldn't, and here we are."

It's not about proving a point or ensuring an outcome. It's about framing what is reasonable before you get enmeshed, because if you have to make your own decisions, it won't come without any warning.[/quote]

This was mine from page 6, and I stand by it. You can be warm and supportive, and still have boundaries. The trick (like with toddlers) is to avoid being angry or emotional, just matter of fact about how it works. And follow through. [/quote]

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