Reply to Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school).  And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it.  I couldn't.  It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones.  She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not [b]in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny.[/b]  I'm thankful she is constantly [b]teaching the kids about the world, about morals[/b], about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults.  I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work.  We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family.  When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing.  Why would any resent that?

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Ahhh ... the irony.
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How is that ironic?  Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful?  If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it.  But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

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Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you.  It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"[/quote]

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side. [/quote]

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.[/quote]

Why is that a deserved response to the two-income comment?  (That was my comment, by the way.)  I'm just saying that if you need to have all parents work to stay afloat, that needs to be respected.  If both parents just want to work rather than having one stay home with kids, just be honest about the realities of the child care situation.

As for elitist and myopic, again, how so?  Daycares -- and we have occasionally sent our kids to relatively very good ones -- are at best just entertaining the kids and keeping them from hurting themselves.  There are too many kids for real, individualized attention, and frankly, the "teachers" rarely seem very smart or thoughtful.  Certainly not as smart or thoughtful as my wife, and certainly do not love my kids as much or care as much about their development as people.  Again, I'm sure it is fine, but it is clearly a step down.  Let's just be honest about this.  I think a lot of the working moms here feel guilty and lash out at any suggestion that the kids are receiving subpar care.

The whole thread is about resentment though.  And the point is, why resent someone who is willing to stay home with kids and take care of the household?[/quote]

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her.  Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step  down."[/quote]

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people."  That is a straw man.  But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours.  That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers."  That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children.  And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful.  If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish.  But that is your decision to make, obviously.[/quote]

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver?  That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships. [/quote]

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