Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

I began re-training in a new field when my kids started going to pre-school, part-time. I ended up going up full time when they hit elementary school and had returned to working full time.

I had to start over at the bottom of the career ladder at 35. That was a hard pill to swallow and made be dig in a bit more before accepting that I needed to make a change.

I was home for five years, although the latter year or two I took night classes.

OP, those kids are grown now. Time goes so quickly. I really think you guys can work through this but you need to encourage your wife to take time for herself to sort things out. GL.

How nice for you. Your husband was good to put up with that. Not many wives would put up with husbands SAH just because they were at a professional crossroads.

How do you know this?

Because I'm female, and have lots of female friends and acquaintances?

I am also a female and my anecdotal evidence indicates otherwise. Therefore you are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Are you under 32, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you under 32, PP?

Why? I guess you want to make another stupid generalization,but this time about people under 32 years of age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you under 32, PP?

Why? I guess you want to make another stupid generalization,but this time about people under 32 years of age.

Curious if you are in a generation in which unemployment is more common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you under 32, PP?

Why? I guess you want to make another stupid generalization,but this time about people under 32 years of age.

Curious if you are in a generation in which unemployment is more common.

Well, I apologize for being rude. I am older than 32.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you under 32, PP?

Why? I guess you want to make another stupid generalization,but this time about people under 32 years of age.

Curious if you are in a generation in which unemployment is more common.

Well, I apologize for being rude. I am older than 32.

Well, I apologize that you thought I was making gross assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

OMG, the echo chamber persists. Almost laughable.

There are about 5 posts in agreement on this page ALONE. And they're not by the same person.

No secret that there is a anti-SAH pile on pretty much daily on the DCUM. But seriously, what does it say about you if you think you've "won" the mommy wars on some random thread about marriage difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you under 32, PP?

Why? I guess you want to make another stupid generalization,but this time about people under 32 years of age.

Curious if you are in a generation in which unemployment is more common.

Well, I apologize for being rude. I am older than 32.

Well, I apologize that you thought I was making gross assumptions.

[Anonymous]

I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

OP, mommy wars aside, this is your problem. How are you going to fix this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

OP, mommy wars aside, this is your problem. How are you going to fix this?

Why is it his responsibility to fx it? He held up his end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

OMG, the echo chamber persists. Almost laughable.

There are about 5 posts in agreement on this page ALONE. And they're not by the same person.

No secret that there is a anti-SAH pile on pretty much daily on the DCUM. But seriously, what does it say about you if you think you've "won" the mommy wars on some random thread about marriage difficulties.

Not in agreement like this. And you've posted 12 times in the past 15 minutes - no one else is using the term "mommy wars" - shouldn't you be fixing hubby his martini?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if OP is still reading but amy advice is to make sure wife understands that making a unilateral decision, especially one involving finances, is a big problem. You personally want to be involved in your children's lives and don't want the high paying traveling job but prefer the family friendly medium paying job. You want your kids to remember their dad being at the play and coaching little league but you can't do that with this job. Communicate that Its also stressful on you being the sole wage earner. Although her previous job was stressful, she felt like she had the option to quit while you don't have that release valve. If things got bad for you at work, your options are limited because you can't take that better job that may pay less etc. If she isn't willing to consider your point of view than say, we need a 3rd party to help us communicate - it's that serious. Sort of marriage 101 is thou shalt not make unilateral decisions and think it's perfectly fine.

Anyway, I'm sort of a Pollyanna in life and try to see the upside. My parents had a bad marriage and while I had no control when I was a child about my childhood, I tried to learn from their marriage. Number one is you do not make unilateral decisions. If wife is unhappy at job, she comes home and discusses it. This is where you get to run the numbers, figure out if this means you need to move further out where you could comfortably afford for one person to SAH long-term or agree that you would travel more for a job that pays more but don'tt want to do that for the long haul, maybe 3 years, or she looks for part-time work or tries to keep a foot in the door of her field etc. That was also the chance to talk about division of labor and expectations about a clean house and if she hates cleaning (as I do) that's fine but she should be part of the solution to afford a house cleaner and what sacrifices she will make for it to happen. Since getting married we purchased a house together (and yes discussion pre-kids where I said I wanted the option and didn't want to extend ourselves financially so there was no choice) and I've changed jobs 3 times. Each job hunt was a discussion with spouse because any decision I made would impact us. If your wife isn't willing to discuss big things, listen to your concerns, and either revise her plan, come up with solutions to your concerns and vice versa, I think there is a fundmental crack in the foundation of your marriage. You can say kids do best with mom at home in the early years or the years go by so fast etc but I maintain parents with a good marriage is the best thing you can give your kids and if you make decisions contrary to that under the "I'm doing it for the kids" you are lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it you whiny little bitch.

x200000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it you whiny little bitch.

x200000

Say the leeches who expect their husbands to earn the money to support their lazy asses forever. Great examples for your daughters, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it you whiny little bitch.

x200000

Say the leeches who expect their husbands to earn the money to support their lazy asses forever. Great examples for your daughters, ladies.

Shut up you dumb misogynist pig. I know you're butthurt that the times are a changin, but whinging about it isn't gonna change it!