Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

This is totally your problem OP. I think you know your wife isn't happy with the decision to stay home but there isn't much you can do to help her. She has to get to a place where she feels fulfilled on her own. There's nothing you can do to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Yup. Lots of well-reasoned WOHM points here. This thread is a trainwreck for SAHMs.

OMG, the echo chamber persists. Almost laughable.

There are about 5 posts in agreement on this page ALONE. And they're not by the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

Really, it isn't surprising, there is a diehard contingent of posters who are always happy and eager to attack another woman's desire to be a SAH mom.

OP, I hope you and your wife can develop better communication skills so that you can understand what her motivations are, and she can understand why you are stressed. It sounds like you do want this marriage to work, so I'd ignore all the crazy ranting of "unilateral decision," and work with your wife to get to a place where you are both happy.

No one on this thread has attacked OP's wife's desire to SAH. No one.

What most (including me) take issue with is her acting on that desire (and thereby vastly changing her family's situation in many ways) without any discussion of any kind with her husband, and her ongoing refusal to engage in any discussion (via crying).

You are delusional -there are many posts attacking her desire to be SAH. Further, there is nothing OP wrote that said "there was no discussion of any kind" only that he claims not to understand her motivations.

Show us.

Many post criticize her unilateral decision. But I don't see any posts attacking her *desire* to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is honestly just bitter and hate filled. You married a person. Not a job or a static situation. A person. After that, you had two children together. Those enormous changes impact who that person is. It sounds like your wife is a great mom who takes care of the kids wonderfully during the day. She expects your help when you come home. That is appropriate. Her staying home should not make her 100% responsible for child care. You take a turn when you come home because it is not a job, it is loving and caring for your children. You need to develop some respect for the person you married, or you are right, it is really over between the two of you. You can't force someone to never change or to want different things. But you can control your reaction. If you had been honest with your wife about your feelings and expectations, I doubt she ever would have had children with you. Nobody wants that kind of controlling personality. And you should never have had children if you were going to resent the impact their lives had upon your own. You need to grow up.

Signed, a full time working mom.

His wife forced him to become a 100% breadwinner without consulting or discussing him and HE is controlling and needs to grow up? For real?
His wife needs to develop some respect for her husband before treating him like an ATM or a wordless donkey who is just there to pull the cart without questioning its mistress.

If you read what OP has actually said, his wife lost her job and the new ones she could find would be a wash after childcare. Their CIRCUMSTANCES are dictating their choice, which is true of most families where the wife SAH, although many women decide to describe it as their "calling" and something they do because they "couldn't stomach having someone else raise their children" and "#blessed." That aside, OP had no business having kids with a woman who did not earn enough to work after having children if it was such a complete and utter deal breaker and he would be furious if left to earn the income for the family. OP's wife could have or may die, and he will be left earning the income. She could be injured critically, etc. etc. etc. They could get divorced, she could get full custody, and he would still have to pay child support. This is the risk you assume when you have children, and if you want some kind of "guarantee" that it will not happen, you better at least be marrying a top paying professional who would be giving up a sizeable salary, so at least the numbers would be in your favor. OP, right now your financial situation is not impacted by your wife staying home. You probably could not afford to pay a nanny to do all the cleaning cooking and taking care of the kids after you get home. You need to internalize and accept that reality. Talk with your wife about changes that can be made once the kids start school that you will not be paying for. And do her a favor and start exploring your exit plan. You will divorce, share custody, and still be financially responsible for your children, only your income will be divided to two households.

OMGGGGGG. She did not lose her job, she quit. He doesn't have a problem with being financially responsible for his children. He has a problem with being financially responsible for HER (which he will not be for long if they do split - it's hard to get alimony as an able-bodied adult) while she isn't holding up her part of the bargain. It boggles my mind how anyone could defend a woman who made a unilateral decision to stop working. What if all your meal tickets (ie, husbands, for those who can't keep up) did that? Where would you be then?

Actually, I am the main breadwinner. I believe that if someone has a low salary that will wash out after child care and they do not wish to work, they should not. It does not make financial sense. And I have a strong hunch that OP's wife would vehemently disagree with his characterization of their situation and how it came to be. I also don't get this whole "meal ticket" argument from WOHM -- I have stayed at home, and it is often pretty dang hard. OP has to

It doesn't matter what YOU believe. What matters is what OP and his wife AGREED to. Or not, as is the case here.

[Anonymous]

Best. Thread. Ever. On. DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often think a lot of people on DCUM would find their relationships more fulfilling if they discussed these issues with their spouses rather than venting about them here.

Kinda hard if the spouse cries, falls apart and won't discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has already stated that he has tried to communicate with DW about this, and she always resorts to what I consider emotional blackmail - crying, acting out, etc. Theatrics has no place in a productive, normal, adult conversation. DW is crying in order to evade the conversation.

If she wants to be a SAH, then she needs to own it, and Discuss it clearly, calmly, and rationally with OP. She needs to bring her own part to the table, which is both to answer exactly why it is important for her not to return to the workforce at this time, and to address OPs concerns about insurance, financial stability, family work life balance, etc. She doesn't get to just decide, and not put in the legwork to help plan the solution to the consequences. They also need to discuss expectations of what the new roles mean for home responsibility and division of labour, finances, etc. That's what a team/ couple do.

OP, I totally understand your resentment and frustration. Histrionics have no place in this. I think if you were clear on what's going on, you wouldn't feel so resentful. Good for you for going to counselling. your wife sounds like she could benefit from some too.

OP's wife also needs to do ALL of the job, not just the part she likes, like having time for crafts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

I began re-training in a new field when my kids started going to pre-school, part-time. I ended up going up full time when they hit elementary school and had returned to working full time.

I had to start over at the bottom of the career ladder at 35. That was a hard pill to swallow and made be dig in a bit more before accepting that I needed to make a change.

I was home for five years, although the latter year or two I took night classes.

OP, those kids are grown now. Time goes so quickly. I really think you guys can work through this but you need to encourage your wife to take time for herself to sort things out. GL.

How nice for you. Your husband was good to put up with that. Not many wives would put up with husbands SAH just because they were at a professional crossroads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - any news?

I don't get why this has become a flame war on SAH vs WOH. This really doesn't seem to be about that but about communication in the marriage, and making unilateral decisions.

Because SAH moms ON THIS THREAD (not universally) think their "calling" to be a wife and mother gives them the right to stop working without discussing it with their husbands and go so far as to call the man a loser/selfish for not being the "default" breadwinner.

This might be the 1st DCUM thread where a large group of women are defending the position of the man.

I agree. I think it's also making a lot of SAHMs nervous that their husbands might feel like OP.

Why would they be nervous, unless they decided to SAH without discussing with their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has already stated that he has tried to communicate with DW about this, and she always resorts to what I consider emotional blackmail - crying, acting out, etc. Theatrics has no place in a productive, normal, adult conversation. DW is crying in order to evade the conversation.

If she wants to be a SAH, then she needs to own it, and Discuss it clearly, calmly, and rationally with OP. She needs to bring her own part to the table, which is both to answer exactly why it is important for her not to return to the workforce at this time, and to address OPs concerns about insurance, financial stability, family work life balance, etc. She doesn't get to just decide, and not put in the legwork to help plan the solution to the consequences. They also need to discuss expectations of what the new roles mean for home responsibility and division of labour, finances, etc. That's what a team/ couple do.

OP, I totally understand your resentment and frustration. Histrionics have no place in this. I think if you were clear on what's going on, you wouldn't feel so resentful. Good for you for going to counselling. your wife sounds like she could benefit from some too.

OP's wife also needs to do ALL of the job, not just the part she likes, like having time for crafts.

+10000

Because she's not "good" at housekeeping doesn't mean she shouldn't make a valiant effort to do her part to the very best of her ability.

Or, use some of those great skills learned on Pinterest to get blogging or start a home based business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

I began re-training in a new field when my kids started going to pre-school, part-time. I ended up going up full time when they hit elementary school and had returned to working full time.

I had to start over at the bottom of the career ladder at 35. That was a hard pill to swallow and made be dig in a bit more before accepting that I needed to make a change.

I was home for five years, although the latter year or two I took night classes.

OP, those kids are grown now. Time goes so quickly. I really think you guys can work through this but you need to encourage your wife to take time for herself to sort things out. GL.

How nice for you. Your husband was good to put up with that. Not many wives would put up with husbands SAH just because they were at a professional crossroads.

How do you know this?

[Anonymous]

If you are a SAHD/SAHM and you can't do simple things like cook, do laundry, and keep a clean house, you should be fired from your job as a SAHD/SAHM. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

This is totally your problem OP. I think you know your wife isn't happy with the decision to stay home but there isn't much you can do to help her. She has to get to a place where she feels fulfilled on her own. There's nothing you can do to make that happen.

She could earn money towards retirement and keep her resume current if she kept working while she figures it all out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that a lot of people (me included) used being a stay at home parent as a safety valve. I was at a crossroads professionally, unfulfilled and really did not want to keep working in my current field. Staying home with the kids was a way to gracefully bow out.

I was, admittedly, not the best stay at home parent. I did my best, but it was difficult and I know my DH had a hard time because I was clearly unhappy being home full time, but not ready to really do anything to change that. Being home was so demanding that I had a hard time finding energy to really figure out what I wanted for myself.

I began re-training in a new field when my kids started going to pre-school, part-time. I ended up going up full time when they hit elementary school and had returned to working full time.

I had to start over at the bottom of the career ladder at 35. That was a hard pill to swallow and made be dig in a bit more before accepting that I needed to make a change.

I was home for five years, although the latter year or two I took night classes.

OP, those kids are grown now. Time goes so quickly. I really think you guys can work through this but you need to encourage your wife to take time for herself to sort things out. GL.

How nice for you. Your husband was good to put up with that. Not many wives would put up with husbands SAH just because they were at a professional crossroads.

How do you know this?

Because I'm female, and have lots of female friends and acquaintances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a SAHD/SAHM and you can't do simple things like cook, do laundry, and keep a clean house, you should be fired from your job as a SAHD/SAHM. Seriously.

I have a full time telecommuting job. I put in more than 60 hours a week, deal with hundreds of emails and dozens of complex calls a day and I easily Have extra time to do most of the housework and clean the house through the day. I also do all the cooking (although that's after work).

It takes moments to throw a load of laundry in, keep the sink full of water so you can wash a few dishes here and there, etc. wipe down part of the bathroom after using it, etc. If you make a plan to break down the tasks, keeping a household running is not that hard or time consuming. If you let it turn into a big task, it will overwhelm you.

DW is not holding her part if the house is that trashed every day. Some days, sure. Cranky kids, just an off day - stuff happens. But not every day. That's a choice.