How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Hold up.

Isn’t the HFA ASD person imposing their views on OP and the whole family.
The don’t like most things or can’t do most things so unless Op truly does bother her and his role, they all sink to the lowest denominator: Doing nothing.

Don’t you see. He is doing exactly what he wants, whenever he wants. Ignoring all responsibilities or obligations to others. What a privileged way to live, only thinking of oneself morning, noon, and night.

This does not describe most adults with autism I know. My dad (likely undx’d) was very diligent about housework, childcare, etc. It’s just not true that autism means a person cannot function at all. Conversely there are many lazy dads with no diagnoses of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d start inviting friends and family over all the time. For the social interaction and role modeling how to talk and be with people, for the children.

Ramp up the socializing, OPs H can stay home or n the basement if he’s tapped out.

I do this but ASDDH has to leave the house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.

Well that’s not actually what masking is as discussed in the literature. And I’m sure you’d be totally accepting if they were up front!

No but that's the point. If you want to do nothing together find someone who likes that lifestyle. Don't have kids. Work a small job and live in an apartment and come home and watch TV and hang out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your marriage is ONLY one part of your life. You need to do some serious work on yourself. It is the only way through. You need a rich, full life that doesn't involve him. He is not holding you back from this - you are. People in marriages adjust to all kinds of things - spouses being gone, spouses overseas for long periods in the military, spouses who become disabled. Work on yourself

OP, having BTDT, I agree this is where your focus should be. You need to grieve, and you need to understand yourself and why it has taken you so long to come to terms with the reality of the situation, why you picked the person you did, etc. I suspect there are echoes of the past that are keeping you stuck. If you leave w/o doing the work you will be just as unhappy I suspect. You owe it to yourself and to your kids to do this work and to make decisions from a different place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.

Well that’s not actually what masking is as discussed in the literature. And I’m sure you’d be totally accepting if they were up front!

No but that's the point. If you want to do nothing together find someone who likes that lifestyle. Don't have kids. Work a small job and live in an apartment and come home and watch TV and hang out with friends.

What does that have to do with masking?
People with autism like to do things. They are not shut-ins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

The only point you keep making with your loony posts is how rigid, fixated, and aspie YOU are PP.

That plus maybe you’re esol or cannot understand English.

I sincerely hope you’re not like this when listening and speaking with people in your real life. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Those were two separate points, can you fathom that and hold two separate points in your head?

Point 1 was a PP tried once at doing neurotypical things with her ASD in laws, it was a waste of time and unappreciated, she instantly stopped doing so, she feels good.

Point 2 was a PP empathizes and feels sorry for the many people who had no idea was ASD and were living with an ASD partner in a cloud of confusion, for possibly many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d start inviting friends and family over all the time. For the social interaction and role modeling how to talk and be with people, for the children.

Ramp up the socializing, OPs H can stay home or n the basement if he’s tapped out.

I do this but ASDDH has to leave the house

Same here. So be it. Kids need healthy, functional role models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.

Well that’s not actually what masking is as discussed in the literature. And I’m sure you’d be totally accepting if they were up front!

No but that's the point. If you want to do nothing together find someone who likes that lifestyle. Don't have kids. Work a small job and live in an apartment and come home and watch TV and hang out with friends.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.

Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.

Well that’s not actually what masking is as discussed in the literature. And I’m sure you’d be totally accepting if they were up front!

No but that's the point. If you want to do nothing together find someone who likes that lifestyle. Don't have kids. Work a small job and live in an apartment and come home and watch TV and hang out with friends.

What does that have to do with masking?
People with autism like to do things. They are not shut-ins.

The real problem with masking is that it quickly depletes energy and requires more decompression time once home and “safe.”

So guess who gets shafted and a shell of a person- or worse an angry ogre- after the day at work or at the school party or neighborhood BBQ masking? op, the kids and the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

The only point you keep making with your loony posts is how rigid, fixated, and aspie YOU are PP.

That plus maybe you’re esol or cannot understand English.

I sincerely hope you’re not like this when listening and speaking with people in your real life. Yikes.

Oh great - so it’s not enough to use autism an insult, but now you’re bringing in being a non-English speaker.

You really don’t need to do much more to conclusively demonstrate this is all about you weilding the autism label as a way to demonize others, and nothing about actually helping others cope, even if there is an actual autism diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Good habits, greeting others, seeing others in need & doing something about it, picking up after yourself, connecting with your children is NOT a contradiction.

It’s good manners, it’s respect for others, it’s kindness, and it’s to be expected of an adult.

If you cannot or will not do basic social niceties you’d better think hard about having a spouse and kids to care for. And certainly admit to yourself and others, your shortcomings so they can prepare and make workarounds. Before you’re all confused and clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

Those were two separate points, can you fathom that and hold two separate points in your head?

Point 1 was a PP tried once at doing neurotypical things with her ASD in laws, it was a waste of time and unappreciated, she instantly stopped doing so, she feels good.

Point 2 was a PP empathizes and feels sorry for the many people who had no idea was ASD and were living with an ASD partner in a cloud of confusion, for possibly many years.

Where’s the empathy for people with autism? Nowhere, right? Empathy is something people with autism both lack and are unentitled to themselves, per PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.

My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.

My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.

Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.

This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.

Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.

I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.

Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”

Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.

What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?

This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.

I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!

Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.

Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.

What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.

Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.

Yeah, btdt, no thanks.

So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?

Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!

Yes it's nice you finally figured that out

You just having reading comp issues.

Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.

I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.

If you spend THIRTY YEARS without noticing that your in-laws don’t enjoy the “really nice daytrips!” you continuously organize, then really, who is failing to perceive social cues?

What is assumed to be NT behavior is almost 90% the NT being unable to accept that someone is different from them and doesn’t follow NT social rules. It’s a really interesting contradiction.

The only point you keep making with your loony posts is how rigid, fixated, and aspie YOU are PP.

That plus maybe you’re esol or cannot understand English.

I sincerely hope you’re not like this when listening and speaking with people in your real life. Yikes.

Oh great - so it’s not enough to use autism an insult, but now you’re bringing in being a non-English speaker.

You really don’t need to do much more to conclusively demonstrate this is all about you weilding the autism label as a way to demonize others, and nothing about actually helping others cope, even if there is an actual autism diagnosis.

So which one are you? How do you explain your loony repetitive posts that ignore most of what you think you are responding to.