No one reciprocates!

[Anonymous]

I have give up on most of our family's friends. I have had so many cook-outs and get-togethers and play-dates over the years and only one family reciprocates. It is so frustrating and sad. I have three active boys. I have a big fenced in yard that is perfect for having families over, so I do invite folks over. They come, they seem to have a great time, and then, they don't ever ask us over. I have given up. I'm talking about old friends and new friends. I realize my boys are a handful, but these families also have active children and yet, I invite them over. It is a lot of work - esp. having cook outs, so the last couple of years, I haven't bothered with our annual cook out or annual Halloween party. It is very disheartening. It hurts my feelings. And it is hard to keep up friendships if you never get together. Does anyone else have the same problem? It has really gotten worse since we had children. Everyone seems to busy to host, yet they are not too busy to accept our invitations.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try arranging an event for just you and a few girlfriends? Three boys might be too much for many to handle. To be honest, I would not want to invite a family with 3 boys who are a "handful" over to my house. Sorry, I would only do it if the children are well behaved.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, but I can't STAND people like you who keep score and feel owed when it comes to social engagements. Stop inviting people over if it's become such a burden. People are busy.

[Anonymous]

Plus, I feel more of an obligation to reciprocate when I am invited to a small select gathering rather than an "annual cookout."

Also, are you complaining about 2 parties a year?

[Anonymous]

I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

[Anonymous]

Stop keeping score, OP.

[Anonymous]

I just feel like some people like to "host". I'm one of them. Sometimes we meet someone else who also likes it and I just defer to them and let them host.

Also, maybe some people have a small home and yard and feel uncomfortable hosting. Maybe their house is super messy and it it too much work to clean it for guests. You are right A LOT goes into hosting people at your home and not everyone it up to the task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

Aw, don't feel like this!

You know what is funny? I have a friend who is loaded, she is a very popular dentist and her home is jaw dropping. THey love bringing their 3 crazy kids to our house. Frankly, when the families get together, we let the kids run around like wild animals. Nothing is too nice, so if something gets scuffed or broken, I don't care. At first I was a bit embarrassed like you, but now realize they must like the comfort of our home because they never decline an invite. And honestly, do you really want to be friends with someone who judges your home??Hell, no, rock your shabby house with pride!

[Anonymous]

You are looking at this wrong. Entertaining is not about reciprocation. Have a party if you want to, but don't expect others to host as well. This happens to everyone, some like to entertain and some do not. I am a host - I host at least a couple different events (from one person to a family to big gatherings) each week, and very rarely get invites (other than birthday parties, wedding-related events, and corporate or facebook-arranged bar meetups (which I generally skip)). Seriously, I think that I have been invited to people's houses only three times this year for events that were not of that type. That is fine. I would much rather they don't host at all, and I do the hosting, if it makes them uncomfortable. Visiting someone who is uncomfortable hosting and always checking on things nervously is awkward for everyone.

It does make it difficult to get together with friends who have a lot of kids or kids of very different ages because I am not set up to host them. I have a couple friends with 3 or more kids (even some with similar-aged, well-behaved girls), but I never host them. It is too much, and I am not set up for it. I do try to meet up with their parents for lunch or other events, but I would have absolutely no idea what to do with three additional kids of varying ages, and I never really wanted to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

This is me too. I have a lot of anxiety over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

This is me too. I have a lot of anxiety over it.

OP, this is what I was talking about. I don't want to go over to these people's houses. I don't want them to be uncomfortable, and if they are, it won't be fun for anyone. Why force something that shouldn't be? If you like them coming to your house, invite them over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

Are you me? I get so anxious about all the above too and stress myself out worrying about reciprocating. I know I owe people but I am not the greatest cook and my house sucks compared to nearly all my friends that I find it embarrasing to have people over. It's a constant source of anxiety for me. The difference with my friends is that, apart from one couple, who always comment about people who don't reciprocate, have not stopped inviting us. I try to make it up in other areas such as baby sitting if they need to go out, buying nice birthday/Christmas presents, taking the kids on fun play dates. Also if we go out, my husband and I often pick up the tab.

I do think the balance sheet friendship is cultural though. We moved here from the UK and I had never come across the concept among my group of friends before. In my experience among groups of friends, different couples/people offer different things to the group that everyone appreciates. One couple may be the great entertainers, another may be the ones to make the best desserts and know their wines and always bring them alongside parties another couple may plan the best getaways, another person may be the best listener and us always there to offer support. It all evens out one way or the other. Friendship is more than having people over to eat at your house.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel the same way you do. This weekend we are having 2 families over. We've had them over twice before....but they don't reciprocate. They mention that next time we'll have a cookout at our house, but it doesn't happen.

I don't think an evening at someone's needs to be a lot of work. Places cater, you can pick up meals at Costco and grab a bottle of wine and some beer. It's really about the company.

My DH loves having people over, I have some anxiety over it because we have a small home and a little backyard. In the end we always feel like everyone had a good time and space wasn't an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just thinking I owe a friend and her husband dinner over. I get so stressed about cooking and planning, not to mention that her place is so nice compared to ours it's embarrassing, that I never get around to it. Rarely.
So OP, be a bit sympathetic. Some people just don't have it all together!

This exactly!!!

[Anonymous]

I don't ever have parties at our house. I just invite one kid at a time over for playdates. Maybe your friends just don't host these type of events. Are you saying that your kids don't get invited to playdates either? Or just upset about the big events?