No one reciprocates!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heavy hosters: people may be relieved when you start dropping them from your invite lists. They may just be too busy trying to take care of the day-to-day stuff, that entertanining, or going to others' hosted events, is not a priority to them. They may be surprised that, every time they turn around, they seem to have a new invitation from you. They may just feel relieved when your invitations lessen. Just a thought. . .people have different priorities, different financial situations, different time commitments, etc.

You are very strange indeed. If we can't attend an event, we decline the RSVP. It is pretty simple. I've never been invited to a non-work related "mandatory " event.

I'm thinking you might be a passive agressive type who has hang ups around the word no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy hosters: people may be relieved when you start dropping them from your invite lists. They may just be too busy trying to take care of the day-to-day stuff, that entertanining, or going to others' hosted events, is not a priority to them. They may be surprised that, every time they turn around, they seem to have a new invitation from you. They may just feel relieved when your invitations lessen. Just a thought. . .people have different priorities, different financial situations, different time commitments, etc.

You are very strange indeed. If we can't attend an event, we decline the RSVP. It is pretty simple. I've never been invited to a non-work related "mandatory " event.

I'm thinking you might be a passive agressive type who has hang ups around the word no.

Lots of people have difficulty saying no to relatives, you know. The relationships are usually loaded with baggage and a simple: "no, sorry, we're busy" does not work in crazy families like mine, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Agree you shouldn't keep score OP. I love having people over for playdates, cook outs. We also do an annual Halloween Party which is the highlight of my year! Never would expect or care if anyone reciprocated. The idea is to spend time with people you enjoy being around no matter where that is. I like hosting and like making my guests feel welcomed. The reward for the hard work is seeing them enjoy themselves. I want my DDs to grow up with memories of having fun times with friends.

Maybe these people know you are the kind to keep score and don't invite you over for fear that you would be too critical of them.

[Anonymous]

Some people also feel more comfortable hosting with more clutter, disorganization, etc. around. I am not saying anyone on here posting currently is like this, but one friend I have happily hosts events with lots of disorganization in her home. I love her to death, love her family, and love her joie de vivre, etc. I suppose opposites attract, at least in this case, b/c wish I could be as relaxed and care-free as she. I am not full-blown OCD, but I definitely like things to be nice and organized before I have other people in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heavy hosters: people may be relieved when you start dropping them from your invite lists. They may just be too busy trying to take care of the day-to-day stuff, that entertanining, or going to others' hosted events, is not a priority to them. They may be surprised that, every time they turn around, they seem to have a new invitation from you. They may just feel relieved when your invitations lessen. Just a thought. . .people have different priorities, different financial situations, different time commitments, etc.

I actually agree with this - I am one of the "heavy hosters" from above. Friendships wax and wane - it's nothing personal it's just we are different stages of our life. Maybe we physically moved apart or moved apart in another way.

So just say you can't come a few times and then eventually you get dropped from the list - no harm no foul.

Maybe later in life we will recomment - and I have no problem with that. Actually that just happened with a good friend recently. My best friend and is at my house a few times a month we did not see for 8 years at one point.

[Anonymous]

reconnect not recomment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heavy hosters: people may be relieved when you start dropping them from your invite lists. They may just be too busy trying to take care of the day-to-day stuff, that entertanining, or going to others' hosted events, is not a priority to them. They may be surprised that, every time they turn around, they seem to have a new invitation from you. They may just feel relieved when your invitations lessen. Just a thought. . .people have different priorities, different financial situations, different time commitments, etc.

To tell you the truth, I had never considered this. I thought people would simply ignore the invitation, or say No, but it is true that if people don't like to attend parties, this may feel intrusive.

[Anonymous]

You sound nice OP, but really, let it go. It may be that you are so good at entertaining that people feel like they can't live up to you! I hosted all parties, get togethers and holidays for over 12 years. When I stopped, everyone else just found other homes to go to. It kind of sucks now. If I tried to get everyone over to my house it would take a huge effort. It sounds like you have the social hub of your family and friends. Enjoy it. Maybe hire a cleaning service and enlist a few friends to help with the cooking.

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant and new to the area and never got an invite - so no axe to grind here. I think the OP basically rights - one way or the other, these things need to be reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's really nice of you to host get togethers. I know you said you feel there must be a discord because it doesn't get reciprocated, but I think if people come over every time, they do like you as a friend and not just someone's house to go and eat free food from, kwim?

I go to invites, but rarely reciprocate because I am ver self conscious of my home compared to others' and entertaining gets me very frazzled. After reading your post though, I realize that I should do something once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people also feel more comfortable hosting with more clutter, disorganization, etc. around. I am not saying anyone on here posting currently is like this, but one friend I have happily hosts events with lots of disorganization in her home. I love her to death, love her family, and love her joie de vivre, etc. I suppose opposites attract, at least in this case, b/c wish I could be as relaxed and care-free as she. I am not full-blown OCD, but I definitely like things to be nice and organized before I have other people in my home.

I am one of the heavy hosters, and I am like this. I would never host when our place was dirty, but there is likely to be a basket of unfolded laundry tucked behind the bed that you are layng your coat on or a few items in the corner that need to be donated or sold. And, if you have kids, I am sure the place will be destroyed by the time you leave, but that is okay, because it just takes a few minutes to clean up after you go. This attitude makes it easy for me to laugh when you (or your child) accidentally breaks something because there is risk in everything and we shouldn't have had it out. I think our guests appreciate this attitude, at least the 10+ who have broken glasses, the 2 who have dropped whole bottles of wine, and the 1 whose child popped a squat and peed on the carpet (to be fair, my child joined in and was punished later as this is clearly not allowed). This is also why we aren't replacing our 8-year-old carpets anytime soon, even though they look a little rattier than I would wish. We do make sure that everything is cleaned promptly and that the housekeeper comes every other week, but if we waited until everything was absolutely perfect, we would have to wait until our child was grown to entertain, and I don't want to.

But, I completely understand why some people don't want to host.

[Anonymous]

12:27 here. Despite my lackadaisical nature regarding these things, I would not invite OP and her three boys over. I know my limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, but I can't STAND people like you who keep score and feel owed when it comes to social engagements. Stop inviting people over if it's become such a burden. People are busy.

Calm down lady. Op just meant that she feels like they never get invited back. Really don't think it is about keeping score. But you sound defensive...
Op, no suggestions for you but sympathy. Where do you live? My best friends just moved into a much nicer area and she says everyone is inviting everyone over and it is much more laid back and friendly!

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks for all the comments. I feel bad because I would like our family to have friends but it is hard to keep up friendships if you don't see each other.

I am not talking fancy dinner parties. I am talking simple playdates or cook outs. Our families don't live nearby so I would like to have a bigger circle of friends.

I also agree that it may be easier for us to pursue friendships with families who have boys as they do seem to understand active boys better.

[Anonymous]

Heavy Hoster PP is out of their mind. I know the type. Happy to accept the invites, but any excuse not to reciprocate. OP, I feel you. You are not alone. I was thinking recently what day care would have cost for some *lazy* people over the years, the ones I have been happy to recently drop. They are such users! It's not that difficult. I'm sorry you had to recently determine this, as did I. We had such little expectations, too.