No one reciprocates!

[Anonymous]

OP here: One friend (now sort of former friend) came over to my place for dozens of playdates (she has two boys) but she literally never invited me to her (huge, beautiful, new, kid-friendly) house except for once for Thanksgiving. I was thrilled to go and I made sure my boys behaved. We brought a lot of stuff. However, she took me up on my offer of paying for half of the supermarket's Thanksiving dinner meal (which hurt my feelings immensely; I don't know how this came about but we were talking about making it easier for her by getting the ready made meal and I offered to pitch in too) and her husband disappeared after the dinner. I just didn't feel welcome at all. We continued to be friends for a long time, but I think true friends reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

What kills me are the people with the gorgeous kitchens who don't host. They spent all that money on the nice counter tops but are so self-absorbed or cheap (when it comes to others) that they never invite anyone to share in a meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a frequent host. It really annoys me that so few people reciprocate. It doesn't have to be in the same way but don't be the couple who ate a million meals at our house and proclaimed they wanted to take us out to dinner and then when we went out, we split the check. And don't be the other couple who always dines at our house and the one time we're at theirs, they ask for a contribution to their take out order. We don't have more money than they (usually less) -- we just prioritize sharing. Also, I feel like people don't really want to be friends if they don't invite us over to their house. Is that true? Non-hosters -- what do you think? Our house is usually messy -- who cares. I don't care if yours is. I will happily eat mac 'n cheese if the company is good. Get over yourselves.

Wow, that is cheap Being brought up oversea, I could never imagine doing that to anyone who comes to my house.

Once a friend asked me to go to an opera with her because her date could not make it at the last minute, then asked me to pay for it afterwards. I did not think much of it but DH and DC were offended. They thought she just wanted to offload her loss to me.

[Anonymous]

I am a heavy hoster. We have something big (like 20 people) every couple of months. However, I always say on the invite that it is a potluck. I cannot cook for 20 plus people. People always RSVP yes, but rarely reciprocate. I don't mind b/c I love seeing my friends, and I think most of them do not have the space/ability to host. I don't think it is rude to make it a potluck either. Everyone seems to be happy to bring something and help out. I never tell people what to bring. WIth a big group, the dishes/drinks always seem to work out without a problem. Do you really have a problem or think it is rude when the host invites you to a potluck?

[Anonymous]

I don't love being invited to potlucks because I frequently host and hence, it is a bit like no reciprocation but I'm coming around to the idea. Plus, a potluck is better than no hosting for sure. Since I have come to realize that people don't reciprocate, potluck is starting to make more sense to me. Maybe that's a win-win for everyone? Maybe I should start doing it.

[Anonymous]

I am the potluck poster. To be honest, I would not host at all if I could not make it a potluck. I have several friends who are vegetarian (I am not). It is impossible for me to cook for the variety of people at my parties. I also find it very stressful to cook for a small group b/c everyone has very different food tastes. I cook with a lot of spices and hate bland food -- but my guests may not like spices, and I am afraid of serving a dish that people do not like but feel compelled to eat just to be polite. So for me, a potluck seems best so everyone has something they like and it is the low stress way to host. I highly recommend the potluck to those who have never hosted before - maybe give it a try at a park or other venue if you don't want to invite to your home.

[Anonymous]

Picky eaters are far less likely to be invited to dinner at my house. But that's okay -- they tend to overlap with the non-hosters. Maybe more uptight on average?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: One friend (now sort of former friend) came over to my place for dozens of playdates (she has two boys) but she literally never invited me to her (huge, beautiful, new, kid-friendly) house except for once for Thanksgiving. I was thrilled to go and I made sure my boys behaved. We brought a lot of stuff. However, she took me up on my offer of paying for half of the supermarket's Thanksiving dinner meal (which hurt my feelings immensely; I don't know how this came about but we were talking about making it easier for her by getting the ready made meal and I offered to pitch in too) and her husband disappeared after the dinner. I just didn't feel welcome at all. We continued to be friends for a long time, but I think true friends reciprocate.

Silly her - she should have known that you were being completely insincere. Maybe she never hosted bc doing so was not in her budget.

[Anonymous]

OP here: The Thanksgiving friend is well off. She drives a Lexus. she is a SAHM. She has a 4K square foot custom built home.

[Anonymous]

"Maybe she never hosted bc doing so was not in her budget."

How many people on DCUM can't afford an extra two plates of pasta? If everyone reciprocates, it really doesn't cost any more than eating at home and saves a ton of money over going out. But it's not fair to do everything on the backs of the hosts. Plus, most people I know who don't host have a ton of money saved or they spend it on themselves -- they are just stingy with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Too funny!

[Anonymous]

I would honestly love to host more people at my house, but I feel like I'm not a fun host. I'm more relaxed out when I'm out. I invite my friends out a lot but I am a stressed out host. Any tips from the heavy hosters on how to make hosting more relaxed?

[Anonymous]

I think that if you are going to attend parties, you have a social obligation to reciprocate. If your house is too small, then pick up the tab for dinner or sandwiches at a park.

It's not about keeping score - it's being part of a society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if you are going to attend parties, you have a social obligation to reciprocate. If your house is too small, then pick up the tab for dinner or sandwiches at a park.

It's not about keeping score - it's being part of a society.

+1

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. We have friends we have known for almost a decade. Never been to our house. Ever. They come over 5-6 times a year for parties and gatherings or we meet up elsewhere. It gets old.