Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me but I did not run out of the room or pack up.

My brother disciplined my child for standing on something he should not stand on but his way of handling it was heavy handed and my son screamed bloody murder. I didn't move and I let it go on for a little until he turned to me and said "r u going to do something" I asked " you want me to clean up your mess?"

In the meantime, I pulled up a picture of his younger child standing on the counter getting a snack, it was on FB and it said! little man helping himself... So cute.

It's cute when it is yours right, I said as I showed him the picture

My SIL who is awesome said, "got you on that one."

Whatever, kids are not perfect, they climb on shit.

My roommate from college was visiting and her son stood on my coffee table, I knew what he was doing it, like hey look we are in front of a stranger what ya going to do. So I quietly told her, I know you are sweating this one, I am going to pretend to get something from the kitchen, he will be less brave with me gone. that is how you handle it.

Never judge... Provide support.

We need more adults like you. Freaking awesome! Loved each example you listed!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Or break an arm, like I did when I was playing on the couch when I was 6. Plus, it is just rude. I've had other kids jump on my couch and break it. Couches are expensive.

Kids break their arm on a jungle gym too. Do you scream at them when they are on one. Not. It's more about breaking the couch or "bring rude" ... Yelling is rude too, so just politely ask the 4yo to get down please.

I expect some inherent danger at the jungle gym. But you need to re-read OP's original post. BIL did not yell at the child. She wrote, "he said... "no.. no..no". He yelled after the parents as they exited the room.. "my house, my rules". You people are distorting what is probably already a distorted story.

[Anonymous]

A child who has been taught by mom that they do not need to follow basic manners established by society is not going to be a functional adult, no matter how much positive affirmation they receive at home.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god. Why am I so addicted to this thread when same stuff gets repeated over and over again..... I think OP left the room.

[Anonymous]

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OMG I can't believe some of you people. You are going to find yourselves with teenage kids who feel like they aren't supported by you and can't count on you. I truly feel sorry for them.


+ a million

+ another million


Actually, you are wrong. People who parent like you are going to end up with rebelious teenagers who do whatever they want, or precious snowflakes who melt tue first time they have a coach correct them or a teacher grade them harshly or a boss who lets them know that the world does not revolve around them.


If my kid faces adversity, he will know that he can come to me and he will fell safe and supported and loved. But your kids will not. Your kids are going to end up with kids who feel they can't turn to you. They will need to fend for themselves. They are learning that early, based on what some of you post here. They will not feel close to you, though.

I agree. Your job as a parent is to be the child's safe place. Not side with an asshole BIL who yells at your kids for no good reason.

No.

Your job as a parent is to teach your child how to function in this world in a socially acceptable manner so the can be a functional adult. You do this by teaching them to behave, to regulate their behavior and to overcome failure and work through adversity you teach them that they are part of a bigger world and society, and there are norms of behaviors and common manners that allow us to function as a society.

You teach them how to be wrong and to learn from their mistakes so they can become better people. You teach them how to come up with better outcomes when they are wrong or make mistakes.

Giving them structure and teaching them to behave is far more loving and supportive than letting them do whatever the heck they want and showing them by your every example that they are always right, no matter what, even if they are actually wrong.

That kind of parenting does children a huge disservice.

And apparently it's YOUR job to teach us how to parent.

Your response is childish. That PP gave excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was fine with BIL's actions until you got to the part about hold DD down by her legs. Why not just put her on the floor and let her run off? Why pin her down? Doesn't make sense. Sounds like BIL got mad at a kid for not listening and retaliated by trying to hurt her. Total lack of control on his part.

But if he had stopped after (1) saying "no, no" and then (2) picking DD up and putting her somewhere else so she wouldn't fall, then I would have thanked him. When it comes to physical danger, I think the nearest adult should do just as BIL started out. He should have stopped though after your daughter was safe.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Or break an arm, like I did when I was playing on the couch when I was 6. Plus, it is just rude. I've had other kids jump on my couch and break it. Couches are expensive.

Kids break their arm on a jungle gym too. Do you scream at them when they are on one. Not. It's more about breaking the couch or "bring rude" ... Yelling is rude too, so just politely ask the 4yo to get down please.

I expect some inherent danger at the jungle gym. But you need to re-read OP's original post. BIL did not yell at the child. She wrote, "he said... "no.. no..no". He yelled after the parents as they exited the room.. "my house, my rules". You people are distorting what is probably already a distorted story.

Nope. Read the OP. They weren't exiting the room. He was trying to comfort his OTHER daughter who hadn't actually done anything wrong, when BIL screamed "my house my rules!" At an adult. As he tried to comfort a six year old who was scared. This man was clearly out of control. Why can't you guys see that?

[Anonymous]

I think BIL should have ignored rude little monster child standing on the furniture just like its own mother was ignoring it. Then when rude monster child fell down and cracked skull open, oblivious mom letting it run wild would have had something non-trivial to bitch and moan about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

So at any time during this interlude did mommy or daddy tell this child thatnit is both very inconsiderate and unsafe to climb on furnitilure? It kind of sounds like you reinforced your kid's anti-social behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think BIL should have ignored rude little monster child standing on the furniture just like its own mother was ignoring it. Then when rude monster child fell down and cracked skull open, oblivious mom letting it run wild would have had something non-trivial to bitch and moan about.

Either no one can read or this is one troll who is trying to stir up a reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

Not that PP, but you clearly contributed to both children being freaked out. You reacted very dramatically, acting like you were escaping from domestic violence, and they picked up on that. Being yelled at is not all that scary (it happens a lot to kids). Seeing your mom scared is terrifying.[/quote

OP here. Well, yes, it is true that I was scared, especially after he screamed at DH. I did my best to appear calm and collected in front of the kids, but yes, surely they picked up on me being scared. Well, not sure what I could have done to change that. I was scared. What happened was scary to me.

Also, someone suggested that my kids must have been driving him crazy all weekend and just pushed him until he snapped. This is not the case. We arrived late on Friday night (kids were both asleep and we carried them to their beds) and this happened the following morning. So we're talking less than 3 waking hours with them.

I take it that you mean you were scared that your child could have injured itself due to your inattention so you thankedbthe uncle for preventing that from occurring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To clarify about the leg-grabbing--I don't think that he removed her from the couch--I think she got herself down onto the seat part when she saw him moving toward her. She scrambled down, and he grabbed at her as she was scrambling down. By the time I turned around, she was on the seat part face-up with her legs facing him, and he was leaning over the arm rest trying to grab at her legs.

So in other words she was kicking at him which would explain his anger and you want to pretend you didn't see what was going on. No wonder you are raising a rude little monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I certainly wouldn't care if my child was climbing on someone's sofa. Who are you people that you think your crappy furniture is so precious?

^ghetto viewpoint

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To clarify about the leg-grabbing--I don't think that he removed her from the couch--I think she got herself down onto the seat part when she saw him moving toward her. She scrambled down, and he grabbed at her as she was scrambling down. By the time I turned around, she was on twhe seat part face-up with her legs facing him, and he was leaning over the arm rest trying to grab at her legs.

So in other words she was kicking at him which would explain his anger and you want to pretend you didn't see what was going on. No wonder you are raising a rude little monster.

S
Sounds to me like the child was frightened and was kicking in self defense. What else would you expect a four year to do, if a big angry man was grabbing at you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was fine with BIL's actions until you got to the part about hold DD down by her legs. Why not just put her on the floor and let her run off? Why pin her down? Doesn't make sense. Sounds like BIL got mad at a kid for not listening and retaliated by trying to hurt her. Total lack of control on his part.

But if he had stopped after (1) saying "no, no" and then (2) picking DD up and putting her somewhere else so she wouldn't fall, then I would have thanked him. When it comes to physical danger, I think the nearest adult should do just as BIL started out. He should have stopped though after your daughter was safe.

He did not pin her down.