14yo refusing to go on trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.

This. I grew up not doing anything and so traveling at every break seems like overkill. Sometimes a break should just be a relaxing time at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.

Because OP's family is in Italy. They went to visit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.

This. I grew up not doing anything and so traveling at every break seems like overkill. Sometimes a break should just be a relaxing time at home.

Maybe this is the “sometimes” when it isn’t for OPs family. Honestly, what a dumb comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hijack this thread with a related question, but how would posters feel about leaving a 17.5 year old home alone while the rest of the family travels to Europe for a week? Well-behaved kid, never left alone that long before, but will be 18 soon we sort of feel like we can’t make them go (and they really don’t want to go, and wouldn’t stay with a friend/relative)...

Absolutely fine, but I'd make sure someone had power of attorney to start treatment if they need to go to the ER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is PDA (pathologically demand avoidant) which is commonly associated with autism. These are her attempts to gain control. Perhaps find a therapist if you believe she would engage with one, but going forward you will need to make adjustments that allow her feel that she has some say in the situation. This does not mean that you allow her to control family decisions, but you are very clear with plans and give choices like “we leave Friday morning— do you want to pack Wednesday night or Thursday afternoon?” “Do you want the window or aisle seat?” And other things that you are okay letting her choose, but drawing the line when you can see she is trying to control aspects that fall under parental domain. She is neurodivergent.

This is interesting. Setting aside the autism diagnosis, I think she definitely has anxiety about some aspect of the trip, which is triggering the "demand avoidance". My kid is this way and pulls these kinds of stunts pretty regularly. The refusing to get out of the car and come in the house... classic move.

What has worked the best for us is actually being gentler while holding the boundary that they will be coming on the trip. Talking through it w/out sounding rigid -- e.g. I get that you don't want to go, but it's important to go on family trips like this, and we've bought the tickets and made all the arrangements so we are going. Can I help you pack/go through your packing checklist/[help reduce your anxiety about the trip]? If you know what her issue is you can offer something more customized. For ex. if the anxiety is about overwhelm, walking through the itinerary with her beforehand so she knows what is coming, getting her input on certain parts of the itinerary that you're more flexible on, or even reassuring that she will be able to opt out of parts of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.

This. I grew up not doing anything and so traveling at every break seems like overkill. Sometimes a break should just be a relaxing time at home.

Maybe this is the “sometimes” when it isn’t for OPs family. Honestly, what a dumb comment.

Type A DC families don't know how to stop. Relaxing and not doing much isn't in their DNA so they raise their kids to be go, go, go just like them. It isn't healthy and this kid is putting on the brakes. Not convenient but maybe they should think about what they are doing in the future.

[Anonymous]

Can someone do a TLDR? I got through to some update about DD not having shoes on but when it still wasnt clear if she went to airport and/or got on plane I gave up.

[Anonymous]

They made it to Italy but DD was defiant the entire way there and back, though seemed to settle down and enjoy the trip once there.

My take-- this is a kid who has an extreme need for control to deal with whatever anxiety she has about traveling or [whatever issue] and her parents do not know how to deal so vacillate between the extreme ends of the spectrum starting with making rigid demands (too much control), beg and plead with her (too little control) and threatening (too much control, again).

[Anonymous]

Maybe she doesn’t want to see one of your relatives. Ever thought of that?

[Anonymous]

Wow, you people are something. Just wow. Your child doesn’t want to go to Italy. What a spoiled, rotten kid. And the best part is you let it happen and have the temerity to broadcast your failure as a parent. Wow!

[Anonymous]

Medication is the answer going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. So, my daughter has been behaving very well and enjoying the trip. She did come up and apologize today for how she acted (something she usually does after she acts out), and she called her aunt to apologize for ignoring her while she was on the phone. She’s a sweet and good girl, but she does have her moments like all kids do.

Honey. I have been a high school teacher off and on for 30 years. This behavior is FAR, FAR, soooo far out of the range of normal I don’t even know where to begin. She didn’t have “a moment”. That was a 24 hour tantrum. Her behavior would have been unacceptable for a 3 year old; for a 14 year old is is a five alarm fire of abnormality.

You both need to see a family therapist, stat. Your kid is in, like, the Top 5 Historic Brats of All Time in my list right now and that’s of the *thousands* of tweens and teenagers I have known and worked with over these decades.

Seriously. Top priority the day you are home. Therapists and parenting coaches, STAT.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the kid is afraid to fly? I have one who’s afraid of flying and needs a lot of reassurance but also isn’t old enough to want to stay home alone.