14yo refusing to go on trip

[Anonymous]

Try offering her $500 to spend on the trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try offering her $500 to spend on the trip

Why? To reward her horrible behavior?! Also, definitely do NOT take her to Hawaii anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that, OP. As you can see from the responses here, this is not normal teenage behavior. Since you say she’s been like this since a toddler, perhaps you’re had her evaluated and if so that should inform you. If you haven’t had her evaluated, you should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hijack this thread with a related question, but how would posters feel about leaving a 17.5 year old home alone while the rest of the family travels to Europe for a week? Well-behaved kid, never left alone that long before, but will be 18 soon we sort of feel like we can’t make them go (and they really don’t want to go, and wouldn’t stay with a friend/relative)...

No way. My parents did this with my sibling, they went home from trip early, and to this day sibling regrets missing out on that family experience and European moment in time.

[Anonymous]

Your child is PDA (pathologically demand avoidant) which is commonly associated with autism. These are her attempts to gain control. Perhaps find a therapist if you believe she would engage with one, but going forward you will need to make adjustments that allow her feel that she has some say in the situation. This does not mean that you allow her to control family decisions, but you are very clear with plans and give choices like “we leave Friday morning— do you want to pack Wednesday night or Thursday afternoon?” “Do you want the window or aisle seat?” And other things that you are okay letting her choose, but drawing the line when you can see she is trying to control aspects that fall under parental domain. She is neurodivergent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is PDA (pathologically demand avoidant) which is commonly associated with autism. These are her attempts to gain control. Perhaps find a therapist if you believe she would engage with one, but going forward you will need to make adjustments that allow her feel that she has some say in the situation. This does not mean that you allow her to control family decisions, but you are very clear with plans and give choices like “we leave Friday morning— do you want to pack Wednesday night or Thursday afternoon?” “Do you want the window or aisle seat?” And other things that you are okay letting her choose, but drawing the line when you can see she is trying to control aspects that fall under parental domain. She is neurodivergent.

This - 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP update. So, my daughter has been behaving very well and enjoying the trip. She did come up and apologize today for how she acted (something she usually does after she acts out), and she called her aunt to apologize for ignoring her while she was on the phone. She’s a sweet and good girl, but she does have her moments like all kids do.

This is what the cycle of domestic violence looks like - with DD as the abuser and you the victim.

So true. Took many sessions with a therapist for my sister for her to finally realize the extent of her DDs control and manipulation over her. Happy to report they have a decent relationship now, but my sister has a whole different perspective on how to manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she autistic and does she habitually display mental rigidity? What is the destination and what, exactly, are her concerns about it? Maybe some of them are legitimate and you could compromise on some activities?

Good Lord she sounds like a normal intransigent teenager. Why must people always jump to diagnoses like autism as a reaction to everything?

She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Or, maybe she's exhusted from all the travel and OP only thinks of her wants, not the child's needs, especially if she needs the child's aunt to parent her.

Found the coddling, permissive parent. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still call troll. There are no day flights to Italy from anywhere in the U.S.

Private flights.

Oh, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you get back, she is grounded until the end of the school year.

This is behavior she chose.
No sports
No School activities
No special school trips
No birthday parties
No technology in her bedroom
No excuses that this is her best friend forever and the only time that she will be able to ______
No starbucks or special drinks
She choose to be a PITA and threw a fit that impacted everyone else.

Family dinners that she needs to sit at the table. No ordering out her favorite places.

If you are going out running errands, she goes with you.

Take social media apps off her phone and block them at your home router - no TikTok

Nope. The smartphone is gone. Get her a prepaid flip/brick dumb phone if she needs a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pack a bag for her and tell her that she may not have what she needs on the trip if she refuses to pack for herself. From now until departure time, I'd ignore her and just go about your business. Do not let her see you sweat this.

Agree with this. I’m in Italy now with a 14 year old. There has been some complaining and refusal to do things, but overall they’ve enjoyed it. The first big complaint I left them in the hotel room but took phone with me. They were obviously bored, and felt like they missed out after hearing siblings excited about what they did. There was still complaining after that, but never to the point where they knew I’d just leave them behind again if they kept it up.

Why would you do this? Maybe they just want to relax at home. Not everyone wants constant travel.

Why do you persist in writing this fanfiction? Yes, it’s you. You aren’t very good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP update. So, my daughter has been behaving very well and enjoying the trip. She did come up and apologize today for how she acted (something she usually does after she acts out), and she called her aunt to apologize for ignoring her while she was on the phone. She’s a sweet and good girl, but she does have her moments like all kids do.

This is what the cycle of domestic violence looks like - with DD as the abuser and you the victim.

I’m so embarrassed for you. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP update. So, my daughter has been behaving very well and enjoying the trip. She did come up and apologize today for how she acted (something she usually does after she acts out), and she called her aunt to apologize for ignoring her while she was on the phone. She’s a sweet and good girl, but she does have her moments like all kids do.

This is what the cycle of domestic violence looks like - with DD as the abuser and you the victim.

So true. Took many sessions with a therapist for my sister for her to finally realize the extent of her DDs control and manipulation over her. Happy to report they have a decent relationship now, but my sister has a whole different perspective on how to manage it.

BS. I said make her go early on in this thread because this is how kids are. OP should have known her daughter well enough to predict this was how it was going to go. I've never met her and am completely unsurprised that she came around. Hasn't OP seen this play out before? She's an immature kid, she doesn't know what's best for herself. It's up to the parents to make the right decision and clearly taking the family trip was always the right decision.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the constant need to travel. Why not stay home and just let the kids relax and spend time together locally.