Reply to 14yo refusing to go on trip

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your child is PDA (pathologically demand avoidant) which is commonly associated with autism. These are her attempts to gain control. Perhaps find a therapist if you believe she would engage with one, but going forward you will need to make adjustments that allow her feel that she has some say in the situation. This does not mean that you allow her to control family decisions, but you are very clear with plans and give choices like “we leave Friday morning— do you want to pack Wednesday night or Thursday afternoon?” “Do you want the window or aisle seat?” And other things that you are okay letting her choose, but drawing the line when you can see she is trying to control aspects that fall under parental domain. She is neurodivergent.[/quote]

This is interesting. Setting aside the autism diagnosis, I think she definitely has anxiety about some aspect of the trip, which is triggering the "demand avoidance". My kid is this way and pulls these kinds of stunts pretty regularly. The refusing to get out of the car and come in the house... classic move.

What has worked the best for us is actually being gentler while holding the boundary that they will be coming on the trip. Talking through it w/out sounding rigid -- e.g. I get that you don't want to go, but it's important to go on family trips like this, and we've bought the tickets and made all the arrangements so we are going. Can I help you pack/go through your packing checklist/[help reduce your anxiety about the trip]?  If you know what her issue is you can offer something more customized. For ex. if the anxiety is about overwhelm, walking through the itinerary with her beforehand so she knows what is coming, getting her input on certain parts of the itinerary that you're more flexible on, or even reassuring that she will be able to opt out of parts of it.[/quote]

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