DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

I love the people bagging on OP for not finding the “joy” in last minute plans. You know who is never making the trains run on time for said joy? Those people. I will happily participate in spontaneous joy that’s planned, executed, and tidied up by someone else. In the meantime, the number for Domino’s is in your phone, I hope the other family likes pizza served by the pool where you’re calling me from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

He did laundry while jet-lagged Saturday and got the kids out of OP's hair Sunday afternoon. More than my DH did this weekend (and I'm not complaining).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

OP, what is the proportion of income as between you and DH?

oh this will be fun. We finally got to the part of the thread where unless DW makes 300% of DH and is super hot, she gets told she should be doing 5x the childcare, mental labor, and housework or she should shut up. It's like DCUM Bingo.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

He did laundry while jet-lagged Saturday and got the kids out of OP's hair Sunday afternoon. More than my DH did this weekend (and I'm not complaining).

Did he do household laundry or just his own? Getting the kids out of the house on Sunday after blowing off his childcare duties on Saturday was literally the least he could do. Accompanying a 6 year and an 8 year old to the pool so they can play with friends is not on par with the chores OP was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

From the original post: “I hate that I never get to be the fun parent and that I’m killing spontaneity, but I also know that I’m the one who pays for spontaneity and flexibility by sleeping less and doing more in the wee hours or by scrambling during the day.”

This is not the first time she’s been in this position, it’s just the most recent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

He did laundry while jet-lagged Saturday and got the kids out of OP's hair Sunday afternoon. More than my DH did this weekend (and I'm not complaining).

Did he do household laundry or just his own? Getting the kids out of the house on Sunday after blowing off his childcare duties on Saturday was literally the least he could do. Accompanying a 6 year and an 8 year old to the pool so they can play with friends is not on par with the chores OP was doing.

But somehow OP going to the pool with the kids on Saturday was a horrible burden. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

OP, what is the proportion of income as between you and DH?

oh this will be fun. We finally got to the part of the thread where unless DW makes 300% of DH and is super hot, she gets told she should be doing 5x the childcare, mental labor, and housework or she should shut up. It's like DCUM Bingo.

+100

And yes, none of that has happened, and OP still hasn't answered about the income breakdown because I'm sure the answer is not consistent with the martyr narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

That’s exactly what happened. It was posted awhile back.

And op also gave him time to rest the first day back. He didn’t consider her needing rest too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

What is your basis for this statement? He bowed out of taking a kid to the birthday party as he’d agreed to do, didn’t bring the kids home from the pool at the time he agreed to, and put OP on the spot by asking her in front of everyone if she was willing to entertain at a time that was very inconvenient for her.

Because OP has drip dropped her story out over 16 pages and if he did more terrible things, she had her chance to tell us.

He did laundry while jet-lagged Saturday and got the kids out of OP's hair Sunday afternoon. More than my DH did this weekend (and I'm not complaining).

Did he do household laundry or just his own? Getting the kids out of the house on Sunday after blowing off his childcare duties on Saturday was literally the least he could do. Accompanying a 6 year and an 8 year old to the pool so they can play with friends is not on par with the chores OP was doing.

But somehow OP going to the pool with the kids on Saturday was a horrible burden. Lol.

No, it wasn’t, but did you read about everything she accomplished on Saturday while he did some laundry and slept?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow I replied on like page 1 and coming back to this thread now is totally wild.

OP I would just ignore like 90 percent of these comments as they are clearly people who have never been part of a household with two working parents when one travels a lot. It is really brutal. We had a similar patch when my youngest was a toddler and my husband does not and did not earn 7 figures or enough to hire a chef or whatever but he had a bunch of long trips in rapid succession and it was awful. It’s really hard to set yourself up to be a single parent on a few weeks notice and I would end up needing to either take some leave or work at night to get my work done and all the driving and caring for everyone and I think we are chicken nuggets like 3x a week during that time. And then my husband would come back exhausted and jet lagged and useless for at least one day and then he would have like one good day and then the work he hadn’t done while he was traveling would be looming so he would work extra basically until he had to leave again. My life had zero joy during that time aside from how ridiculously cute my kids were, it was 100 percent survival mode. But it was temporary (and I would never have agreed to live like that long term, I would have quit my job whether he agreed or not or made some other big picture change to make life sustainable) and we made it through but man would I have felt shell shocked if my husband thought he was entitled to ask anything more of me during that time, especially on speakerphone (!!!)

All the people saying “oh just let him deal with it” have a lot of confidence in the follow through of a guy who won’t be here to deal with the consequences. My husband is not as clueless as this guy but I would not be willing to find out if he was really going to clean up after all of this or make sure the kids got to bed at a decent hour (30 minutes late is one thing, 3 hours late on a Sunday night of a busy week is another).

I think I said something earlier but just don’t buy into the idea you are mean mom. Don’t let that be the message that your kids hear and don’t simmer, just be glad you held a boundary and you are able to take care of your kids this challenging week.

It just wasn’t a good time. There will be other good times. And like you said the other family could have offered to host, it is completely unclear why it had to be your place while you were in the middle of meal prep). I really hope your husband understood how you felt when you talked.

+1 from a mom living in a very similar circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

That’s exactly what happened. It was posted awhile back.

And op also gave him time to rest the first day back. He didn’t consider her needing rest too.

What is exactly what happened? He only did his own laundry or he did the whole family’s laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

That’s exactly what happened. It was posted awhile back.

And op also gave him time to rest the first day back. He didn’t consider her needing rest too.

What is exactly what happened? He only did his own laundry or he did the whole family’s laundry?

Do your own research here, Sherlock. Go back and painfully read the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

So be fun and spontaneous sometimes.
Yes that means you may not have meals prepped for the whole week.

Yes laundry might not get washed that day.

Your kid might go to bed later and wake up cranky.

You might be 5 minutes late to work.

Your neighbors might see your messy kitchen.

That's living.

What do you want to remember at 70 or your kids remember when they move out?.

That mommy always had the vegetables for the week chopped by 7 pm on Sunday.
Or that really fun bbq with the neighbors and the summer they stayed up past bedtime and watched a movie in the backyard.