DH makes me be the bad guy

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

And your husband ALSO had your 6-year old with him when he was at the pool?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

So when your DH was with the kids at the pool on Sunday, was that also work for him? You make it seem like he was just relaxing by himself.

The trickle of information about the additional burdens just seems like you are making things up. So your DH always fails at laundry? He really doesn't help with any of the other weekend chores when he is home alone on Saturday? I doubt he slept all Saturday, unless his job involves international travel and he was jet lagged.

I'm still not clear why having from lunchtime to 6pm alone at home was not enough time to meal prep for the week and handle other normal weekend chores. But I agree with the other PP -- have him take the kids to the pool on Saturday, or do the birthday party drive, or whatever. Maybe skip lunch with his parents on Sunday. It seems like you would rather be bitter than solve your problems. And when you hold onto bitterness, you end up feeling like the "bad guy" because, to most people, you are.

His job involves international travel and he was jet lagged. I don't think anyone wants all these boring details up front, but I will include them in the future because it's exhausting to have to explain everything in such minute detail!

Well, when you come back and argue with people about how they're not seeing things correctly, and it's because they didn't have information that you later provide, you can see how they'd be annoyed, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

So when your DH was with the kids at the pool on Sunday, was that also work for him? You make it seem like he was just relaxing by himself.

The trickle of information about the additional burdens just seems like you are making things up. So your DH always fails at laundry? He really doesn't help with any of the other weekend chores when he is home alone on Saturday? I doubt he slept all Saturday, unless his job involves international travel and he was jet lagged.

I'm still not clear why having from lunchtime to 6pm alone at home was not enough time to meal prep for the week and handle other normal weekend chores. But I agree with the other PP -- have him take the kids to the pool on Saturday, or do the birthday party drive, or whatever. Maybe skip lunch with his parents on Sunday. It seems like you would rather be bitter than solve your problems. And when you hold onto bitterness, you end up feeling like the "bad guy" because, to most people, you are.

He sits in a chair fondling his iPhone like half the dads there with their kids.

That makes no sense. OP has to be in the water with her son because she's a woman but her husband doesn't? If the rule is based on age then that doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next we’ll hear about the four sets of demanding grandparents who live 3000 miles away in every direction.

We have one set of living grandparents who are local. They are too elderly to help or drive but not so elderly that we couldn't enjoy a nice lunch out with them on Sunday, as I said earlier.

If you're looking for advice and not a fight, have your husband take your kids to lunch with the grandparents, who are local and you can therefore see any time, and you get stuff done then. I have other ideas to make you more productive and have more leisure time as someone who works FT and has two elementary age kids if you're interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next we’ll hear about the four sets of demanding grandparents who live 3000 miles away in every direction.

We have one set of living grandparents who are local. They are too elderly to help or drive but not so elderly that we couldn't enjoy a nice lunch out with them on Sunday, as I said earlier.

If you're looking for advice and not a fight, have your husband take your kids to lunch with the grandparents, who are local and you can therefore see any time, and you get stuff done then. I have other ideas to make you more productive and have more leisure time as someone who works FT and has two elementary age kids if you're interested.

OP would rather be righteously mad than productive and happy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

Maybe the resentment is over all the work travel when you have a full-time job and young kids? Maybe last night was triggering, but the bigger issue is that you are "on" with your kids 6 days a week, plus you have a full-time job? That sounds hard, especially without help. Can you make any structural changes?

Yes, that's exactly what I am expressing! DH can't see how "on" I have to be while he's gone.

The structural change will come in 2-3 months when these facility openings are done and he is hopefully promoted and when school starts after Labor Day. Until then, the scramble will continue. I know it's a temporary phase but the days are long and I'm tired.

Nope. Not how promotions work in that field. Nor how they open facilities. Stop.

OP and you have zero idea what industry works in or what he's doing on these trips. Some of these comments are wild even for dcum. I think everyone had a weekend like mine and is coming on here looking for a punching bag. So I'm at least glad I could provide that.

Huh? Didn’t one of your many subsequent reveal posts claim he opens naval facilities around the Pacific Ocean?

Just based on that I can find out if he even exists. Maybe we had a cocktail in Palau to discuss all these apparently new facilities opening up.

OP has pretty clearly identified herself in almost all of her posts. Like her or not, sympathize with her or not, she's been pretty clear when she's posting.

I'm a PP whose husband TRAVELS to Pacific naval stations. I never said he opened them. I said he works with the Pacific fleet.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It made me sad to read this, OP. You're understandably tired and burned out, which has quashed your sense of joy and fun. Your DH does need to be more sensitive but you also can work on not sweating the small stuff quite so much. I guarantee you they don't care if your kitchen is a mess. If they're offering to pick up extra food and supplies, and your DH is grilling, doesn't sound too bad (and quietly tell DH he'll need to take on x, y, and z to make this work). You could view it as a kind of a break and focus on the nice, social connection piece.

OP and I love that I'm getting blamed for not having joy and not being willing to stay up an extra two hours to host people I barely know and that I'm supposed to consider events dictated by other people on their schedule as my "break". I'd much rather have a DH who is perceptive enough to see that I'm tired, come home on time, make dinner and clean up so I can have a break of my choosing and do something I actually find restorative.

Wasn't your husband grilling? And couldn't you put him on clean-up duty, too? What's the big deal? Truly.

I didn't want to postpone my meal prep until 9 pm and do it in DH's version of a clean kitchen, and I didn't want to have to hang out with a bunch of people and help parent their feral kids on a work night. I wanted to eat a quick meal at home, clean the kitchen, send some work emails and read in bed before falling asleep early. That's the big deal.

The problem is that you feel entitled to have the evening go exactly how you want. It is obvious that, in your mind, you have the high ground because your husband has been traveling for work. And you seem to be extremely rigid about your plans. It doesn't make you the bad guy, but it's not as though DH's request was something crazy. But if you feel bad because you had to insist to get what you want, instead of your DH just silently going along with it regardless of what he wanted to do, then that's for you to figure out. I doubt your daughter or these family friends have given it a second thought. And frankly, it sounds like you've got a martyr complex and are really building resentment, which isn't good for anybody.

Also, you and others are making it seem like DH is just playing on easy mode, but traveling for work and then accompanying the daughter to the pool is not a vacation. And frankly, if you can't get basic household chores done and meals prepped for a week in the time that they were at the pool, it sounds like you are pretty inefficient. So, yeah, maybe OP is the bad guy!

You're right. I do feel entitled to have a few hours of the weekend scheduled the way I want it. That's because Sun-Fri or Mon-Fri (depending on DH's travel) are weeks when every hour of my day is totally dictated by other people's needs. From 6 am-10 pm, I am doing things on the schedule of others. DH has a lot of downtime during his travel weeks as evidenced by the fun photos he sends me of various places and his ability to work out and pursue his hobbies while on work travel. He flies first or business and stays in fabulous hotels. He would even acknowledge that. I am really uptight about my 1-2 hours per week of getting to go to bed early and enjoy a book.

Your kids are at camp all day during the week, and you had Saturday to get stuff done (because I doubt that your "running the kids around" on Saturday took the whole day, and then you had all of Sunday, including it seems many hours alone at home while the rest of the family was at the pool. From your posts, it just doesn't sound like you have that much to do that you couldn't get it all done and still have some downtime. So you are trying to sound like a martyr, and now "the bad guy," but what you describe does not sound that onerous.

It seems like the real problem is that you feel like you are doing more work than him, and that he was not showing the proper acknowledgment and respect for that when he asked another family over for dinner. So stop making it seem like you spent all weekend at the coal mine, and just acknowledge that you are resentful that his work week involves travel, which you seem to think is easy mode. My guess is that everyone at your house is aware of your resentment and martyr complex.

My Saturday schedule, not that this hostile PP deserves it:

9 am kid 1 swim lesson
10-12 pm kid 2 activity
Packed lunch at pool because no time to come home
1 pm kid birthday party, took other kid back to pool to swim during that time
3 pm, birthday party pickup, took kids home
3:30 big grocery shop for produce/meat/perishables that can't be left out in the heat (everything else delivered during the week)
5:30 pm made dinner

I don't know what other people's Saturdays are like but that's what I consider "running around". I didn't have Saturday to get stuff done, because I was dealing with the kids so DH could sleep in and rest, as I said from the beginning.

OK, so presumably you don't have birthday parties to drive to during the day, and you said that your DH did laundry on Saturday. You did the grocery shop. Certainly other time in that day, plus ALL OF SUNDAY to . . . what? Meal prep. Maybe straighten up the house. I get it, you think you are working so hard, but it just doesn't read like that.

DP. I thought it was funny how much of her "running around" schedule was spent at the pool after she painted that as practically a vacation.

OP and my 6 year old was the one I had with me for free swim. I am required to be in the water with them at arm's length when they are in the pool for free swim until they are 8 per our pool's rules! We had an hour in the water by the time we got the older one to and from the birthday party. Two hours at the pool just chilling would be fun...by myself. Less so when it's arguing about sunscreen and generally standing around in the water.

DH did his travel laundry and slept in. I don't rely on him to do laundry for the entire house because he just wanders away and leaves the first load in the washing machine wet until he leaves on Monday. Sunday we went to church and lunch with DH's parents and that ate up most of the morning and early afternoon.

Maybe the resentment is over all the work travel when you have a full-time job and young kids? Maybe last night was triggering, but the bigger issue is that you are "on" with your kids 6 days a week, plus you have a full-time job? That sounds hard, especially without help. Can you make any structural changes?

Yes, that's exactly what I am expressing! DH can't see how "on" I have to be while he's gone.

The structural change will come in 2-3 months when these facility openings are done and he is hopefully promoted and when school starts after Labor Day. Until then, the scramble will continue. I know it's a temporary phase but the days are long and I'm tired.

Nope. Not how promotions work in that field. Nor how they open facilities. Stop.

OP and you have zero idea what industry works in or what he's doing on these trips. Some of these comments are wild even for dcum. I think everyone had a weekend like mine and is coming on here looking for a punching bag. So I'm at least glad I could provide that.

Huh? Didn’t one of your many subsequent reveal posts claim he opens naval facilities around the Pacific Ocean?

Just based on that I can find out if he even exists. Maybe we had a cocktail in Palau to discuss all these apparently new facilities opening up.

Navy wife was not OP, she was chiming in but wasn’t clear that she wasn’t Op so agree that was confusing.

It wasn't unclear. It's like you people have never read a thread before. Perhaps find a simpler one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

OP, what is the proportion of income as between you and DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

OP, what is the proportion of income as between you and DH?

oh this will be fun. We finally got to the part of the thread where unless DW makes 300% of DH and is super hot, she gets told she should be doing 5x the childcare, mental labor, and housework or she should shut up. It's like DCUM Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or...you could loosen up the death grip of control, give in to sponteneity and have unexpected fun all while reinforcing to your daughter the value of friends and having fun. A week of regimented meals, a military time schedule and an uptight home doesn't sound like a fun place to be a kid.

This. Our twins are 12 (we have no other kids) and I've been realizing we are 2/3 of the way through our time with them at home. I'm trying to embrace saying yes and being spontaneous with things like this. It goes so fast and it sounds like OP has an only so once that kid is gone, that's it!

Does your partner leave town for extended periods of time ?

12 is a very adaptable age.

Sometimes he does. He works on the Pacific fleet so he's often in Japan, Guam, and Hawaii, which are all long trips. I rarely travel for work. I hate it when he's gone because it is more work for me and I miss him being around. I also do things differently when he's gone.

How old are your kids?

Seriously? Now you’re going to make that up?!

I can count on one hand who does that due to all my time at joint base pearl harbor’s. One fingerless hand. Even the special weapons guys don’t do that, or anyone who left the east side naval base in Oahu.

What on earth are you talking about? You're saying I'm making up where my husband travels for work? I mean, ok. What a weird thing to lie about. I don't have to tell you any more about what my husband does but I can confidently say that I know where he has been and when. I'm glad you know everyone who works with the entire Pacific fleet. You must be very important and yet also have time to post on DCUM. That's strange.

Just to be clear: this is OP and anything to do with the navy, the Pacific Ocean, boats, Hawaii, etc. is not me.

OP, what is the proportion of income as between you and DH?

oh this will be fun. We finally got to the part of the thread where unless DW makes 300% of DH and is super hot, she gets told she should be doing 5x the childcare, mental labor, and housework or she should shut up. It's like DCUM Bingo.

This is quite literally never what happens on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

OP—I see and hear you.

You’re burning the candle at both ends running the household and solo parenting while he gets to gallivant around and get waited on. (I’m a mom who travels often for work and stay in nice hotels and go to cool restaurants; it’s busy but it’s fun and it’s a huge con that men have traditionally run forever!)

Then when he comes home he doesn’t deliver on what he said he’d do (like when he said he’d drive one kid Saturday and then declared he was too tired).

He picks and chooses when he taps in and out. Meanwhile, you’re ALWAYS on.

I’d tell him things need to change and insist on marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not "making you be the bad guy." He's proposing something you don't want to do, but that lots of us would happily do. The kitchen is messy? Who cares? Your kid goes to camp a little tired? Not a big deal. All of this is very possible, but you're CHOOSING to say no. If you feel like the bad guy (and I agree, I think saying no to this makes you a bad parent), you can either change yourself or you can own it, but he's not responsible for your inflexibility.

Disagree. He swims all day, then piles on more work for her to do, then leaves for the week? That is disgusting behavior. What he should do is stay home all day, meal prepping for the week, since he won't be there to help. Give her a break to connect with her kids in a non-stressful environment like the pool. Then he should make dinner for her, the kids, and all their friends.

Wrong. He spent the day taking care of their kids while she spent it on "chores" that anyone with a brain knows are made up or unnecessary. This isn't Little House on the prairie, there aren't cows to feed and hay to make. There just isn't a full day of chores for anyone who isn't making them up to seem busy. Doing THAT instead of spending time with your kids and using your make work to justify taking time with friends away from them is disgusting; Not taking them to the pool.

Between working all day, transporting the kids between camp and activities, getting them fed, and packing their lunches all by herself, OP has to choose between going to sleep at a decent time or doing housework on weeknights. It sounds like she saves the housework for weekends. On the weekends, she’s doing laundry, grocery shopping, food prepping, and cleaning house. It absolutely can take all day.

When OP is spending the day at home, by herself, doing housework, she not be as presentable as she would be if she were expecting guests. If she’s prepping for multiple different meals, she’s probably got lots of things out and every kitchen counter full. If she’s doing lots of laundry, she might have a pile of clean clothes on the sofa to fold. In the time it would take for dh to stop off at the store and buy meat on the way home from the pool, she can’t move the laundry, tidy up the kitchen, change her clothes, and fix her hair. If she doesn’t tidy up the kitchen, there’s nowhere to prep anything for guests, such as turning ground beef into hamburgers. If she does tidy up, that means she has to stop the prep work for upcoming meals that she was trying to do to make her life easier in the coming days.

Wtf didn’t her dh text her discreetly before inviting the other family? Why didn’t he invite OP to join the others at a restaurant? Why didn’t he say let’s order pizza or get takeout? It’s like OP’s work is invisible to him.

Her husband did the laundry on Saturday.

I assumed she meant his own since he’d been traveling all week. Did he do laundry for the household?

Why would you assume that? He sounds like a good partner and parent when he's around. OP is run a little ragged because he's not so much these days, which leaves her with a heavy load most of the time. Sounds like it's just a hard season and will pass though.

[Anonymous]

Wow I replied on like page 1 and coming back to this thread now is totally wild.

OP I would just ignore like 90 percent of these comments as they are clearly people who have never been part of a household with two working parents when one travels a lot. It is really brutal. We had a similar patch when my youngest was a toddler and my husband does not and did not earn 7 figures or enough to hire a chef or whatever but he had a bunch of long trips in rapid succession and it was awful. It’s really hard to set yourself up to be a single parent on a few weeks notice and I would end up needing to either take some leave or work at night to get my work done and all the driving and caring for everyone and I think we are chicken nuggets like 3x a week during that time. And then my husband would come back exhausted and jet lagged and useless for at least one day and then he would have like one good day and then the work he hadn’t done while he was traveling would be looming so he would work extra basically until he had to leave again. My life had zero joy during that time aside from how ridiculously cute my kids were, it was 100 percent survival mode. But it was temporary (and I would never have agreed to live like that long term, I would have quit my job whether he agreed or not or made some other big picture change to make life sustainable) and we made it through but man would I have felt shell shocked if my husband thought he was entitled to ask anything more of me during that time, especially on speakerphone (!!!)

All the people saying “oh just let him deal with it” have a lot of confidence in the follow through of a guy who won’t be here to deal with the consequences. My husband is not as clueless as this guy but I would not be willing to find out if he was really going to clean up after all of this or make sure the kids got to bed at a decent hour (30 minutes late is one thing, 3 hours late on a Sunday night of a busy week is another).

I think I said something earlier but just don’t buy into the idea you are mean mom. Don’t let that be the message that your kids hear and don’t simmer, just be glad you held a boundary and you are able to take care of your kids this challenging week.

It just wasn’t a good time. There will be other good times. And like you said the other family could have offered to host, it is completely unclear why it had to be your place while you were in the middle of meal prep). I really hope your husband understood how you felt when you talked.