Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.

The dog bit someone and what did he do about it? He's very serious about dog training...himself? Or he has a legitimate trainer? This guy sounds like a loser for so many reasons, but keep defending him I guess. There's a lid for every trash can and all that.

I'd hope you'd listen to the people explaining what the future with this guy could look like.

Again, calling someone "trash".

The dog bit someone and he took responsibility for making sure it couldn't happen again by muzzling the dog. She's the AH for being upset about that, especially since it's not even her dog!

Calling him a loser when you're all of this is so ridiculous. Go MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.

The dog bit someone and what did he do about it? He's very serious about dog training...himself? Or he has a legitimate trainer? This guy sounds like a loser for so many reasons, but keep defending him I guess. There's a lid for every trash can and all that.

I'd hope you'd listen to the people explaining what the future with this guy could look like.

Again, calling someone "trash".

The dog bit someone and he took responsibility for making sure it couldn't happen again by muzzling the dog. She's the AH for being upset about that, especially since it's not even her dog!

Calling him a loser when you're all of this is so ridiculous. Go MYOB.

Why would anyone "myob" when this is a public site and OP requested thoughts of other people? Why are you trying to police the internet lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

Likely she's both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

Because there's only two options, and both make someone a jerk, right? Your misandry is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

Because there's only two options, and both make someone a jerk, right? Your misandry is showing.

I don't think you know what this word means...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

Stop gaslighting her. Be better than the guy who tells people to STFU.

Stop using psychobabble buzzwords you don't understand. Also, stop treating everything as black/white. Also, stop making false equivalencies.

I mean, really, if you need to course correct that much, you could just stop posting, because you're not adding anything useful to the thread, which you seem to have trouble following.

Stop excusing abusive behavior.

The only people who think this language is ok to use with a bf/gf either use it on their own spouse or their spouse uses it on them. Either way not healthy, and not the people you want to be taking advice from.

Bro, stop. You can dislike swearing without making it some kind of big evil. They're words. People can use words you don't like without it being "unhealthy". Plenty of us swear, a lot. Deal therewith. OP has already said it wasn't said in anger or with vitriol. And plenty of you who don't swear use anger and vitriol all the damned time, so stop acting like you've got some kind of moral high ground because you don't say "f bombs". There's plenty of other ways to be a jerk, and a lot of the comments here illustrate that plainly.

So which are you? The abuser who speaks to their partner this way, or the person who's partner speaks to you and tells you it's normal?

Likely she's both.

100%. Anyone who excuses abuse is a deeply flawed, hurt individual. Doesnt make it any less dangerous though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing about marriage is that it’s long and sometimes bad stuff/mistakes happen. Some mistakes are inexcusable. This is something that if a one off and out of character you can forgive. The fact that he apologized right away and has otherwise been kind is a good sign. Let him know, he doesn’t get a second chance at this. Then see what happens. A second time and you should be out.

That is giving him a second chance. No second chance means op breaks up with him the first time. If she sticks around, there will be a next time. If she doesn't want a bad relationship, she needs to find someone else.

Why shouldn't he get a second chance? He said one swear, once, and when confronted, apologized?

Who are all the perfect people posting on this thread like they've never done something stupid? Y'all are liars.

It is not hard to find people who don’t behave this way.

For values of "this way" equalling "did something someone didn't like. once."

That's literally everyone, but go off...

Amazing how most people here are able to find partners who have never done the particular behavior, not even once.

But best of luck finding a partner who will tolerate your nonsense.

Your partner who never swore at you probably cheats. Or gambles. Or drinks/uses drugs. Or doesn't do their share of the housework. Or gossips. Or...

Congratulations on the fact that your partner (allegedly, on the internet) never swears at you (yet). Your partner has flaws.

But yeah, they tolerate your nonsense, which is basically the whole point, clownshoes.

Your logic is so poor. So the partner who doesn't cheat...hey, they don't gamble! The partner who doesn't use drugs...hey, they clean the house! It's amazing the circles you have to go in to try to make your (non-existent) point. Plenty of us can actually be, and marry, decent human beings. I'm sorry that's not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP came in hot with the know-it-all posturing, got clapped back, and had to come to DCUM where all the misandrists would join her pile-on instead of helping her correct the core of the problem: her stupid choice to tell her boyfriend what to do about things she doesn't even fully comprehend and wasn't asked to provide advice about.

Just drink your own beer and mind your own business, OP. In short: STFU.

Stay away from women. You aren’t a safe person.

Stay away from people, period. I doubt women are the only people PP bullies. Anyone deemed less than probably hears about it on a regular basis.

Excellent point. This person is an equal opportunity abuser. Men, women, children, animals prob. Terrifying to know they could be our neighbors or coworkers.

This judgmental harpy could be your neighbor.

You don't even know pp by name, but feel comfortable labeling them an abuser? Because... they disagree?

You need to step back and analyze your own nastiness, creepo. Calm your life down, and recognize that people who disagree with you are allowed to exist. Your need to control everyone, label those who disagree, and ostracize anyone who doesn't lockstep with your nonsense makes you the problem.

People who defend abusers are abusers themselves. No need for a name. Stop justifying abuse and people will stop calling you an abuser.

So anyone who has ever sworn once while upset is an abuser, but the namecallers aren't abusers because THEY are justified.

Okay. Sure. That makes perfect sense.

Yeah some of these people have no grace, and probably don't apologize when they're the ones in the wrong (because they're never wrong).

This isn't worth the level of nastiness some of these pps are spewing about it. Lots of triggered people in this thread!

Typical "cancel culture" crap. HE MADE ONE MISTAKE! THROW HIM IN THE BIN!!!

Nah, we're just smart enough to know that it won't happen only once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP followed up to say the guy didn’t say it in anger but rather in an exasperated tone. Sure, it’s not great, but the comparisons to domestic abuse ring a bit hollow.

I’d say the excessive drinking and whatever is going on with the dog are possibly bigger red flags than allowing a phrase to roll of his tongue (which very well could be a habit but also very crude).

Sounds like the OP also drinks a lot and has some issues with the dog - so in her mind those are a draw but she and everyone else is focused on words.

If the guy had flew into a rage, sure. But really you guys are upset because he said “fųck”. If he’d said in an exasperated tone “oh shut the heck up”, this wouldn’t be a topic of discussion. But 1 little word and you guys are freaking out.

For what it's worth, no one in my family, mother, father, brother, husband, and children, has ever told another person to shut up, whether cursing or not.

[Anonymous]

Don't make him tell you twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP followed up to say the guy didn’t say it in anger but rather in an exasperated tone. Sure, it’s not great, but the comparisons to domestic abuse ring a bit hollow.

I’d say the excessive drinking and whatever is going on with the dog are possibly bigger red flags than allowing a phrase to roll of his tongue (which very well could be a habit but also very crude).

Sounds like the OP also drinks a lot and has some issues with the dog - so in her mind those are a draw but she and everyone else is focused on words.

If the guy had flew into a rage, sure. But really you guys are upset because he said “fųck”. If he’d said in an exasperated tone “oh shut the heck up”, this wouldn’t be a topic of discussion. But 1 little word and you guys are freaking out.

+1, but nothing brings out the DCUM harpies like a thread they can use to justify their misandry. Guy got exasperated after being negged (her bit about how the dog is great for her was especially rich), and everyone's on here, lighting their torches and getting their pitchforks. It's crazy!

Who cares if he got exasperated? My husband gets exasperated with me, I get exasperated with him, we get exasperated with our kids. And yet, somehow, none of us curse at each other. Hmmm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

"He only hit me once"
"He only raped me once"
"He only stabbed me once"
wtf is wrong with you

She only abandoned him once...

LOL men comparing a man stabbing a woman to a woman leaving a man 😵‍💫 These men are genuinely deranged.

comparing using a swear word one time to stabbing is a huge leap. C'mon. Talk about deranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP came in hot with the know-it-all posturing, got clapped back, and had to come to DCUM where all the misandrists would join her pile-on instead of helping her correct the core of the problem: her stupid choice to tell her boyfriend what to do about things she doesn't even fully comprehend and wasn't asked to provide advice about.

Just drink your own beer and mind your own business, OP. In short: STFU.

Stay away from women. You aren’t a safe person.

Stay away from people, period. I doubt women are the only people PP bullies. Anyone deemed less than probably hears about it on a regular basis.

Excellent point. This person is an equal opportunity abuser. Men, women, children, animals prob. Terrifying to know they could be our neighbors or coworkers.

This judgmental harpy could be your neighbor.

You don't even know pp by name, but feel comfortable labeling them an abuser? Because... they disagree?

You need to step back and analyze your own nastiness, creepo. Calm your life down, and recognize that people who disagree with you are allowed to exist. Your need to control everyone, label those who disagree, and ostracize anyone who doesn't lockstep with your nonsense makes you the problem.

People who defend abusers are abusers themselves. No need for a name. Stop justifying abuse and people will stop calling you an abuser.

So anyone who has ever sworn once while upset is an abuser, but the namecallers aren't abusers because THEY are justified.

Okay. Sure. That makes perfect sense.

Swearing in general =/= swearing at your partner.
Your failure to grasp basic concepts about decency is concerning.

dropping a "STFU" when drunk and being badgered by someone who has no standing to be involved in the first place isn't the egregious decency violation you're trying to claim, but good luck living your life while this hysterical and overreacting this hard about small things.

And you didn't address the part about how someone who didn't swear at anyone got abused, but that's because it makes sense you can't argue. So you'll go back to insulting people, abuser.

Project much?

Me, project? Says the alcoholic telling on himself. You must also spout off when you’ve had a few (already??) and think it’s totes acceptable. He was drinking, give him a break!

Still not a man, and I've been totally sober for years, but you don't care about facts so let's set that aside.

The time to have a serious conversation with someone isn't when they're in their cups. OP takes zero responsibility for starting mess about a subject that isn't even her business, while the dude was having a drink. I don't drink, but if you interrupt my "me time" to tell me how you think I'm handling my business wrong while implying you do it better, well, that's not exactly compassionate, considerate behavior now, is it?

But it's going to be hard for you to wrap your head around that, because you're too busy arguing with a stranger you insist on misgendering to justify your misandry. Cool.

This thought process is so gross. What if he had hit OP because she started that mess? Is that ok because she started it? Or is hitting not ok, but cursing at someone is? Or is yelling ok, since the person deserved it? Only people who have been abused or people who do abuse others things you can blame the victim for whatever they got. NO ONE deserves to be yelled at, cursed at, hit, etc. Doesn't mean they shouldn't say they're sorry for pissing someone off, but retaliating when you're upset is not ok, ever.