Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with a history of abuse often struggle to know the difference between what is normal and acceptable and what is wrong and unacceptable. Op, you must be struggling with that because you posted here looking for advice. Many posters, who have been married long term and those who possess strong boundaries and standards for their relationships, have advised you that what your bf said is unacceptable and, potentially, a red flag. You are doubting his intentions because of *how his words and actions made you feel*. This alone is grounds for walking away. You never needed our advice, you only have to listen to yourself.

So much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never had anyone in my life tell me that, certainly not a guy I was dating and most certainly not my DH. I’ve also never said it to my DH and neither of us have ever said it to our kids (who drive us nuts sometimes but we do our best not to yell).

Deep down, this guy thinks this behavior is ok. That’s bad news. You can find a faithful, wonderful man who doesn’t yell. You only live once, and you have a history of abuse. Make it a priority to surround yourself with kind, self-assured people who don’t resort to swearing and violence, whether drunk or not. In vino veritas. This is who he is.

Yes, this!

I mean… this.. except not because the op specifically said he didn’t yell

The whole message is on point though. Find a good man who doesn’t swear at you whether drunk or not. We set the bar for how we want to be treated. When you allow men to speak to you lie garbage, they will continue to do so.

Who are all these prissy women who never swear and consider a mere word uttered without anger such an affront to their virgin ears?!

I'm a woman. I curse like a sailor. I don't curse AT people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that people are trying to normalize abuse. It’s quite likely those pps are abusive or be g abused themselves. You do not need to tolerate a bf disrespecting you. You - and only you - get to determine how you are treated. Why bother sticking around when there are real, legitimately great men out there. Drop the garbage off at the dump and move on.

Sad that people are trying to pathologize a single swear said without anger by labeling it "abuse" and anyone who'd utter one "an abuser". Equally sad is the posturing that some people are never disrespectful, never mess up, never act outside of perfect lines...

Saddest of all is the willingness of these allegedly "great" people to call the people they're othering "garbage", as if dehumanizing people was a non-abusive thing to do. The irony...

You don't tell someone to shut the f up without anger unless you're all laughing which isn't what happened. It's really sad that you think that treating people like that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of only one year and he is talking like this to you? Sorry, this is the honeymoon phase of the relationship and the red flags are his drinking, being cruel to animals, and talking disrespectfully to you (he thinks you will not leave him because you can't do better).

I am fine with heated disagreements and fine with f-bombs. A-Ok with someone saying "F'ing Trump and his f'ing cruel and insane policies" as part of a heated debate. But a boyfriend of one year saying 'shut the F up' to me...nah, I would be out of there.

So happy to see women championing other women and standing up for op. There is one very weird troll poster obsessed with making sure women stay miserable and abused, not sure what they think the flex is.

If all women knew they didn't have to tolerate being treated poorly, who would these guys date/marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

So she deserved it, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.

The dog bit someone and what did he do about it? He's very serious about dog training...himself? Or he has a legitimate trainer? This guy sounds like a loser for so many reasons, but keep defending him I guess. There's a lid for every trash can and all that.

I'd hope you'd listen to the people explaining what the future with this guy could look like.

Again, calling someone "trash".

The dog bit someone and he took responsibility for making sure it couldn't happen again by muzzling the dog. She's the AH for being upset about that, especially since it's not even her dog!

Calling him a loser when you're all of this is so ridiculous. Go MYOB.

Mind my own business...by not reading a public thread. Got it.

I wish people would cite their stats when responding. You married, OP? How long? Kids? I'd love to know what your spouse thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP followed up to say the guy didn’t say it in anger but rather in an exasperated tone. Sure, it’s not great, but the comparisons to domestic abuse ring a bit hollow.

I’d say the excessive drinking and whatever is going on with the dog are possibly bigger red flags than allowing a phrase to roll of his tongue (which very well could be a habit but also very crude).

Sounds like the OP also drinks a lot and has some issues with the dog - so in her mind those are a draw but she and everyone else is focused on words.

If the guy had flew into a rage, sure. But really you guys are upset because he said “fųck”. If he’d said in an exasperated tone “oh shut the heck up”, this wouldn’t be a topic of discussion. But 1 little word and you guys are freaking out.

+1, but nothing brings out the DCUM harpies like a thread they can use to justify their misandry. Guy got exasperated after being negged (her bit about how the dog is great for her was especially rich), and everyone's on here, lighting their torches and getting their pitchforks. It's crazy!

Who cares if he got exasperated? My husband gets exasperated with me, I get exasperated with him, we get exasperated with our kids. And yet, somehow, none of us curse at each other. Hmmm...

Aren't you wonderful?! Look at how wonderful you are! You've never messed up, ever, and you've got the internet credentials to prove it!

Enjoy the perfect life you definitely don't actually have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this got a
Lot of responses. I will answer some of the questions asked.

He said it in a way where he was annoyed. He wasn’t yelling. I think he was upset that I wasn’t treating the dog the same way he does, when I have her by myself.

The dog bit someone a few weeks back and thus the muzzle and his tight leash. He is very serious about dog training. We were in an area though that has light traffic, so I was just suggesting maybe the dog good get a moment of freedom since no one was around.

He said that he wasn’t saying it in a way to hurt me. I think as another poster said he is more liberal with words and the alcohol definitely aided that. I just don’t ever want to talk like that with each other. I’ve never seen any signs of him speaking poorly to me before this instance.

The dog bit someone and what did he do about it? He's very serious about dog training...himself? Or he has a legitimate trainer? This guy sounds like a loser for so many reasons, but keep defending him I guess. There's a lid for every trash can and all that.

I'd hope you'd listen to the people explaining what the future with this guy could look like.

Again, calling someone "trash".

The dog bit someone and he took responsibility for making sure it couldn't happen again by muzzling the dog. She's the AH for being upset about that, especially since it's not even her dog!

Calling him a loser when you're all of this is so ridiculous. Go MYOB.

Mind my own business...by not reading a public thread. Got it.

I wish people would cite their stats when responding. You married, OP? How long? Kids? I'd love to know what your spouse thinks.

You... want to know if a man says it's okay? Having kids grants someone status on the anon board?

What the messy eff is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying again:


You are conflating the use of profanity generally by a person with profanity directed with specificity by a person at his partner. They're not the same thing.

There's still a world of difference between a non-angry "stfu" and "STFU you bleeping bleep!"

The STFU followed by lecturing and in the context of how he’s handling the dog is all we needed to know. Btw you’re talking to multiple people who are exactly on the same page.

Yeah, there's a lot of messy people in this thread who can't follow a thread and are projecting, hard, sure. She lectured him about his dog, while he was minding his own business, and got a dismissive, but not violent, STFU.

If she wants to break up with him, she should. But treating this like some sort of nuclear calamity is unhinged and way over the top. That howevermany of you are "exactly on the same page" (on the anon forum, which is full of trolls and sockpuppets) doesn't make you right.

So she deserved it, right?

Nuance isn't possible with you, is it? She's blameless, he's garbage, your black and white logic has decreed How It Is and your rigid mind can't possibly accept otherwise.

Meanwhile, in reality, most conflicts that aren't crimes have more than one "bad guy" and responsible adults all claim their part. You don't get to badger someone and then claim victim status when they clap back. He didn't tell her to STFU out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

Why are people getting caught up in a word? It’s the intent that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that people are trying to normalize abuse. It’s quite likely those pps are abusive or be g abused themselves. You do not need to tolerate a bf disrespecting you. You - and only you - get to determine how you are treated. Why bother sticking around when there are real, legitimately great men out there. Drop the garbage off at the dump and move on.

Sad that people are trying to pathologize a single swear said without anger by labeling it "abuse" and anyone who'd utter one "an abuser". Equally sad is the posturing that some people are never disrespectful, never mess up, never act outside of perfect lines...

Saddest of all is the willingness of these allegedly "great" people to call the people they're othering "garbage", as if dehumanizing people was a non-abusive thing to do. The irony...

You don't tell someone to shut the f up without anger unless you're all laughing which isn't what happened. It's really sad that you think that treating people like that is ok.

The world according to... some anon on the anon board. Other people do things differently. You're not right, just different.

Set your personal bar wherever you like, but try to keep in mind that other people get to do the same. Not everyone is so het up over a casual swear.

[Anonymous]

Would "shut up" have been okay? How about "stop talking"?

Y'all are making a lot of fuss over what amounts to a tone argument. I hope your tone is always unimpeachable, but your comments already reveal that's a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not.

Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife.

No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive.

Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters.

Of course people make mistakes, yet somehow some of us have managed to go our whole lives without talking to someone like that.

Right, because being a smug ah on an anon board makes you better somehow...

You think not cursing at people is being smug? Wow your bar is super low.

You think not cursing at people is being great? Wow your bar is super low.

Not cursing at people is basic manners and human decency.