That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh—my MIL asked for my cupcake recipe (just family four generations) and I said no. Sorry there are levels of family.

Yikes you two must have not liked each other before that request. At least now she knows where you stand.

NP. Not the same dynamic, at all. OP married in and became, say, a Smith, and—as a Smith—asked for a Smith family recipe.

This MIL is a Johnson. She’s asking for a Cartwright family recipe; just because her DIL is a Cartwright by birth and is now a Johnson, that doesn’t make MIL entitled to Cartwright family recipes.

Hogwash. Just so much ridiculousness in this post. Both adults in this situation are petty as hell and pathetic. There are almost zero “secret” recipes. People who hoard recipes are clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand people like this mother-in-law. It's as if she doesn't understand that "family" is typically created by unrelated people getting married, and having babies. Did she hope that her son would marry a cousin? Does she not realize that at one time she was the daughter-in-law who joined someone else's family? People like your MIL are just not very bright. Op I think you should send the link of this thread to her.

Ha!

[Anonymous]

It’s better we learn about people’s meanness earlier than later, before we’ve invested decades of our lives in a relationship with them.
OP, some girls are mean from a young age and never grow out of it. Sadly MIL is one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I've ever seen an OP who was so determined to disagree with every other opinion on her issue. It makes me think the OP could very well be a troll who made this story up to get pages and pages of comments. I can't imagine why anyone would sincerely post this scenario on DCUM just to stubbornly dig in and refuse to consider anyone else's point of view.

Haha. This.

I was thinking—OP, how would you react if your MIL had asked you for an old secret family recipe your grandmother had passed on to you? I think I would feel a bit unsure about it, and I love my MIL. Just food for thought. These kinds of things can be really emotional and weird, as dumb as they seem.

You do seem determined to hold a grudge though so maybe this is moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

Oh, Op.
My MIL never let me be in the family photos. In fact all spouses can’t be in the family photos. Lol
I don’t give a flying f

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

Oh, Op.
My MIL never let me be in the family photos. In fact all spouses can’t be in the family photos. Lol
I don’t give a flying f

My MIL has a picture of everyone but me in their family portrait—she looked to see my reaction and explained that I wasn’t there that day. I can be camera shy so it doesn’t bother me at all but I do think her intent to me was rude. Before that portrait I would usually visit with my DH and young kids. After the portrait incident I feel only slight guilt opting out of most visits and enjoy having the house to myself. Reading these PPs makes me feel better that I’m not alone in this—thanks all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you are beyond ridiculous. And so many paragraphs - that's really telling that you are being ridiculous.

Why can't you accept: People may be weird. About some things. People have preferences you don't understand. Accept it. Accept them.

Why was YOUR need for the recipe the reason to decide to think badly re: your MIL.

Omg stop your krap PP.

No one needs to accept rudeness.

She can certainly accept that Mil is rude and should expect her to continue to be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is weird OP.

Just take note and keep your distance from now on out, since you know where you stand.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t meet up for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Tell her you want to spend the holidays with family.

This, this, THIS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I've ever seen an OP who was so determined to disagree with every other opinion on her issue. It makes me think the OP could very well be a troll who made this story up to get pages and pages of comments. I can't imagine why anyone would sincerely post this scenario on DCUM just to stubbornly dig in and refuse to consider anyone else's point of view.

Haha. This.

I was thinking—OP, how would you react if your MIL had asked you for an old secret family recipe your grandmother had passed on to you? I think I would feel a bit unsure about it, and I love my MIL. Just food for thought. These kinds of things can be really emotional and weird, as dumb as they seem.

You do seem determined to hold a grudge though so maybe this is moot.

You are comparing apples and oranges here. My mil isn't part of my grandmother's family but I am part of MIL's family.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh—my MIL asked for my cupcake recipe (just family four generations) and I said no. Sorry there are levels of family.

Yikes you two must have not liked each other before that request. At least now she knows where you stand.

NP. Not the same dynamic, at all. OP married in and became, say, a Smith, and—as a Smith—asked for a Smith family recipe.

This MIL is a Johnson. She’s asking for a Cartwright family recipe; just because her DIL is a Cartwright by birth and is now a Johnson, that doesn’t make MIL entitled to Cartwright family recipes.

Hogwash. Just so much ridiculousness in this post. Both adults in this situation are petty as hell and pathetic. There are almost zero “secret” recipes. People who hoard recipes are clueless.

My MIL has a great story of when she tried for ages to get a "secret recipe" from a friend of hers who kept declining. After years, she finally got the recipe and discovered that the top secret recipe was precisely what was printed on the back of the box of one of the ingredients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Give it a chance (but, more importantly, post an update to DCUM! :lol. Maybe she doubles down, maybe she adds some context, and maybe she cares how you feel and wants to make it right. Frankly, in responding and wanting to discuss, she is already distinguishing herself from my ILs.