That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

I would never cut her off from my children I would just have my husband be responsible for maintaining tne relationship with her grandchildren. I have decided to take into account the other advice some PPs gave which is to continue to attend larger family functions and of course be cordial and polite but depending on my MIL's response when we meet for lunch to discuss my feelings on Thursday I will not be engaging individually with her thru text/phone call or one on one get togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

I would never cut her off from my children I would just have my husband be responsible for maintaining tne relationship with her grandchildren. I have decided to take into account the other advice some PPs gave which is to continue to attend larger family functions and of course be cordial and polite but depending on my MIL's response when we meet for lunch to discuss my feelings on Thursday I will not be engaging individually with her thru text/phone call or one on one get togethers.

Next Saturday not next Thursday..sorry as I was typing this out I was thinking about something I have to do next Thursday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

I’m so glad you took my (and others!) advice and I think it’s a positive sign she wants to talk. Post an update. I hope even if you two continue to disagree that some sort of truce and peace is created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Give her a chance! It’s nice that you feel comfortable reaching out and nice that she responds. And amazing you both want to meet for lunch. I’ve skimmed these pages and am thinking how I’ve been together with my husband for 25 years. I’ve never met up alone with my MIL, not once. I’ve only called to say thanks for a card or when the kids were little to have them say thanks. We have a polite relationship, more like strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

It goes both ways. If the MIL intends to regard OP simply as a vessel then any attempts at forcing a closer relationship will only result in superficiality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

Op will find out when she has the in-person discussion.

Best case- it takes 5 mins and MIL clears things up nicely and provides the recipe and confirms acceptance into the family.

Worst case- MiL doubles down, manipulates the whole talk to focus on her/ bloodlines/ she’s a victim, how divorces are 50%, and how she never provides recipes or acceptances.
In which case Op calmly excuses herself, says Thank you for confirming your true colors. And leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

I would never cut her off from my children I would just have my husband be responsible for maintaining tne relationship with her grandchildren. I have decided to take into account the other advice some PPs gave which is to continue to attend larger family functions and of course be cordial and polite but depending on my MIL's response when we meet for lunch to discuss my feelings on Thursday I will not be engaging individually with her thru text/phone call or one on one get togethers.

This is exactly how I have dealt with my ILs for the last decade. Everyone is happier this way.

My DH is an adult and is fully capable of managing the relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

DP here. This is only true, depending if the MIL is kind and treats you in a consistently kind manner. If not, consider that there are two sides to the story. Kids make their own opinions, in due time. I digress.

OP, I am so impressed with your MILs efforts, she seems the mature and intelligent, common sense type to try and not be overly stubborn, or in denial, or set in her ways, or black and white, or selfish or self involved. You landed into a nice family - your MIL (and likely ILs) are open - treasure it. She gets it. I am hoping they do not prove to be insular and clannish, and that your MIL does the right thing, and continues to be accepting and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

It goes both ways. If the MIL intends to regard OP simply as a vessel then any attempts at forcing a closer relationship will only result in superficiality.

+1

[Anonymous]

Meh. I think it’s better to have a little emotional distance with your in-laws and now you have the perfect opening. Her feelings about who is family would have come up in another context at some point in the future. Just know where you stand and move on. You are not her daughter and she doesn’t think of you as one, but that’s fine in my opinion - you’re not. She can love you very much (and you her) without that. I would take this as an opportunity to recalibrate the relationship to be less intimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

I’m not close to my (a-hole) ILs but that doesn’t affect our immediate family or our interactions with my own (huge, loving) family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

Op will find out when she has the in-person discussion.

Best case- it takes 5 mins and MIL clears things up nicely and provides the recipe and confirms acceptance into the family.

Worst case- MiL doubles down, manipulates the whole talk to focus on her/ bloodlines/ she’s a victim, how divorces are 50%, and how she never provides recipes or acceptances.
In which case Op calmly excuses herself, says Thank you for confirming your true colors. And leaves.

This

Depending on what she’s says and does, may just have to agree to disagree. And write her off as a nice person.

For me, it’s the golden rule. I don’t let people treat me how I’d never treat others.

This of course has a caveat, some people didn’t care about others at all or how they themselves are viewed or treated. But you will have your values and society needs just that— values, morals, ethics- to function well.

[Anonymous]

Be ready for her to deny her original comments entirely and paint you as a a silly loon.

In which case OP can laugh and say, so glad we are in agreement, are all family and will share recipes! what books are you currently reading?!?