I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were fine up until the next. You could have handled that a bit more gracefully.

That said, if my husband then tried to be all whiny about this, blaming me, etc, it would not go well. I would probably laugh or roll my eyes at him. And I would just remind him that I have hosted for X years and I’m done. He is welcome to do as much or as little as he wants.

The reality is that I have never really picked up the rope with my in-laws. I’ve hosted some holidays where I cooked (my husband really cannot cook). But my husband does all coordination with them, cleans up (I may help), makes sure he gets take out, etc.

This. Important to not ever pick up that rope.

+1. Best advice on the thread.

Another +1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get why you don’t want to have them over. But you handled it badly. Your DH was going to fail because you enabled for years. And your in-laws suffered. What do you think you accomplished?

You were rude.

So?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

They asked her for coffee. DH got the pizza, rotisserie chicken, made the bed, etc. It's not like he did nothing. It wasn't up to OPs standards, or something, but what does that really matter? It doesn't sound like the OPs complained to her at all during the visit. They asked about coffee one time and apparently that's it. There was a text asking if she was mad after the visit but I'm not seeing where she was asked for "everything" at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Yes it is. Op wins! DH is lame.

As the lucky winner she wins a spot next to him in bed. We should all be so lucky.

Time to be celibate. Rejoice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

+1. The kitchen belongs to both of them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

OP is showing her children that it isn’t entirely up to the woman in the house to do all of the cooking and cleaning and hosting when people come to visit. I think that’s an important lesson.

I personally don’t think the kids learned a good lesson here although I think OP and her husband can use this going forward.

The kids should be seeing their parents work as a team.

Now that OP’s husband flopped, *hopefully* he will recognize the amount of work that goes into it and do his share next time. He can handle the meals (apparently rotisserie chicken), OP will prep the bedding/sheets, in laws can handle their own coffee. That’s the healthy dynamic for the kids to see - husband and wife coming together and sharing responsibilities fairly while making guests feel welcomed into their home.

Kids, especially DDs, should see their mother set and maintain healthy boundaries. They should see there be consequences to actions and that not being a partner or respected breeds resentment.

Neither the kids nor the in laws needed to see this squabbling in action.

[Anonymous]

OP I did something similar a few years ago and it worked out well. I hope it does for you, too.

We host DHs family for most holidays and birthdays and I finally told him that, while I’m happy to have them over, executing these events is draining and I don’t feel like I have any help. He is lazier about hosting but he’s the one in charge now and I can stay hands off more often. And everyone is just fine. ILs got used to last minute dinner plans and a more relaxed approach, DH handles things, and it doesn’t create tons of extra work for me. I do think it was helpful to make them aware that DH is in charge of meals and plans so they can communicate with him directly.

Anyway, best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

NP. It is not “family dysfunction” when—after years of doing the heavy lifting of hosting her husband’s family—OP clearly communicates that she needs a break. She clearly communicates that if he chooses to host his parents for Easter, he’s going to need to do just that: host. She clearly communicated, ahead of time, that the extent of her Easter-celebrating would be kid clothes and candy. He agreed. He said he would host. Then he didn’t. If there’s any dysfunction, it is on a man who says he understands and will host, and then doesn’t.

If it were this simple, MIL wouldn’t be thinking she had done something wrong. Something went off about this visit to make the guests feel unwelcome, and that’s not a good thing, full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

They asked her for coffee. DH got the pizza, rotisserie chicken, made the bed, etc. It's not like he did nothing. It wasn't up to OPs standards, or something, but what does that really matter? It doesn't sound like the OPs complained to her at all during the visit. They asked about coffee one time and apparently that's it. There was a text asking if she was mad after the visit but I'm not seeing where she was asked for "everything" at all.

So why did MIL think OP might be mad just because she didn't serve them a delicious meal, prepare their coffee and stay up later to talk? I also spent many hours having lunch with my MIL, filling her in on all the stuff DH couldn't be bothered telling her about. Less attention and entertainment means you're mad? How about you are tired of doing it and want your DH to take responsibility for HIS parents' needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and l haven’t read all the comments. I think if you’re going to drop the rope, it’s important that you’re able not to care about the consequences - that needs to be on DH in this case. I think you should have told him your mom texted you and let him reply.

Agree that would have been the best way to handle the text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

They can't talk to her before and during dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

OP is showing her children that it isn’t entirely up to the woman in the house to do all of the cooking and cleaning and hosting when people come to visit. I think that’s an important lesson.

I personally don’t think the kids learned a good lesson here although I think OP and her husband can use this going forward.

The kids should be seeing their parents work as a team.

Now that OP’s husband flopped, *hopefully* he will recognize the amount of work that goes into it and do his share next time. He can handle the meals (apparently rotisserie chicken), OP will prep the bedding/sheets, in laws can handle their own coffee. That’s the healthy dynamic for the kids to see - husband and wife coming together and sharing responsibilities fairly while making guests feel welcomed into their home.

Kids, especially DDs, should see their mother set and maintain healthy boundaries. They should see there be consequences to actions and that not being a partner or respected breeds resentment.

Neither the kids nor the in laws needed to see this squabbling in action.

It’s not squabbling to ask your husband to do something around the house. And there are more important things than keeping up appearances. Working towards a genuinely happy, healthy, and equitable relationship is more important than asking nothing of DH for fear people with discover you’re unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

I thought she said she did talk to them, just not as long? That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.