Check your phone at the door

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me more depressed than most on DCUM. The vitriol is amazing- someone asks your child to put her phone somewhere and you are all freaking out. No wonder we’re f$caked as a nation. Srsly bummed out by you people who would be offended by this.

+1

I am shocked how many parents are as addicted to cell phones and doesn't see the issue with kids going back to parallel play

Parallel play?! We are talking about tweens and teens.

I think the issue here is that people are talking about different things. Huge difference between a basket at the door for a sleepover of a few 12 year old girls and a basement party with older co ed teens. I definitely want my kid having her phone on her if we are talking about the latter. If the former, just let us know in advance so I can ask my tween to check the phone from time to time in case I have tried to reach her.

DP. That PP was spot on about parallel play. You don't see it, because you don't want to look. Others of us do.

I know you all think this parallel play comment is really profound. But teens getting together to study is also "parallel play". Watching a sporting event or movie together is parallel play. Exercising together is parallel play. There are lots of social things that people do near one another that don't require constant interaction.

Also, most of the times when I see kids on phones they are also talking, laughing, and sharing what they are doing with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am in a weird place with this thread. On one hand, I think it's absurd to force kids to give up their phones, especially as they get older. I can't decide if it's infantalizing them, and expecting they do do things much younger than age-appropriate, or Boomer-esque by assuming they will sit around and chat like Grandma does before her bridge game.

On the other hand, I think the people who insist that their kids never, ever be separated from their phones because they have to be able to be contacted all the time, or because here may be a scary dog, or someone might be mean to them, or whatever other nonsense they have come up with are equally, if not more ridiculous.

So, I guess I have no home. Verdict, ESH.

Please. How often do you leave the house without YOUR phone? I could question you on all the reasons you think you might need a cell phone when you go somewhere and it would be just as silly. And none of my business.

They are on electronics posting this.

If the posters are posting while they are the in middle of social gathering that is rude and speaks to a larger problem. If they are posting by themselves, then how is that relevant to our discussion here?

What social gathering do you go to where the host takes your phone?

Do you think the phone will be sold as soon as it's "taken"? What exactly are you so worried about? If someone at the house really meant to harm your kid you know they actually would take the phone and not even put it in a communal spot that is easily accessible, right?

The particular comments you are responding to are about the PARENTS’ use of phones not a teen’s. Teens carry phones when they leave the home for the same reasons adults do.

And adults are often asked to turn off or mute their phones. You're probably the jerk who doesn't because you're above the rules and nobody's gonna be the boss of you!

If I was invited to someone’s house and they asked me to turn off my phone, I would turn around and leave. That would be truly bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they get uncomfortable or need to get out of an unsafe situation I’d like them to be able to reach me directly. Period.

The difference in having her phone and calling me from the bathroom to be picked up, or having to screw up her courage to get it from a basket at the door could make a difference. We like to think nothing bad is happening, and most likely it isn’t, but I want her to have access to ME if she needs me.

I totally get the intention of device free hangouts. But also think that’s something we need to suggest versus try to control.

So your children never went to anyone's house or birthday party without you for all of elementary school?

Well that’s a leap!

Why are you trying to make this an argument?

Because your children were in settings without you and without a phone at a much younger age. Now they are older and you believe they could be in a situation so uncomfortable that they need to be able to call you right away? Do you not see what's wrong with your thinking?

NP That's stupid and not true. I don't know anyone who let their kid go anywhere alone in the early elementary years, not even birthday parties (no parents hosting parties want that anyway). Once my kid was in upper elementary, it was ok as long as I knew the parents. Plus, he had an Apple watch that he could used to contact me in an emergency. I don't know anyone who let their young kid go wherever they wanted with people they hardly knew.

Wow, you must really live in a sheltered bubble. Nobody stays for birthday parties after kindergarten.

The parties we gave and attended included parent(s) with some adult food and conversation well into 5th grade. Pool parties can always use an extra chaperone or two.I was always sort of shocked at the drop-off parents who barely knew us and never got out of the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to derail the party thread, but a couple people mentioned having teens/tweens leave their phone and bag at the door when socializing.

How does this work in practice? You tell your guests to leave their phones? Or have your kids do it? A pile of backpacks in the entryway? If a kid wants to keep theirs with them, do you say no?

I actually think my oldest would like this since she complained about get togethers when everyone is staring at their phones and she doesn't love the TikTok culture that a couple of her friends are getting into.

Should I just have her throw me under the bus and say "my mom came up with this lame rule that you can use your phone in the kitchen but they stay in this basket there when we go hang out"?

I don't have drug or alcohol concerns yet, but better to start the policy before I do, right?

I think the healthier way to handle this is to brainstorm with your teen about ways she can encourage her friends to drop the phone. Not to swoop in as a parent to force it. Can she explain to her friends that she wants to chat with them and not be in Tik Tok? Can she suggest an alternate activity? She should be learning to handle this on her own.

You really think a teenager is able to get a phone out of another kid's hand? When their parents and schools can't?

Yet somehow OP can take it and put it in a basket, so apparently it’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me more depressed than most on DCUM. The vitriol is amazing- someone asks your child to put her phone somewhere and you are all freaking out. No wonder we’re f$caked as a nation. Srsly bummed out by you people who would be offended by this.

+1

I am shocked how many parents are as addicted to cell phones and doesn't see the issue with kids going back to parallel play

Parallel play?! We are talking about tweens and teens.

I think the issue here is that people are talking about different things. Huge difference between a basket at the door for a sleepover of a few 12 year old girls and a basement party with older co ed teens. I definitely want my kid having her phone on her if we are talking about the latter. If the former, just let us know in advance so I can ask my tween to check the phone from time to time in case I have tried to reach her.

DP. That PP was spot on about parallel play. You don't see it, because you don't want to look. Others of us do.

I know you all think this parallel play comment is really profound. But teens getting together to study is also "parallel play". Watching a sporting event or movie together is parallel play. Exercising together is parallel play. There are lots of social things that people do near one another that don't require constant interaction.

Also, most of the times when I see kids on phones they are also talking, laughing, and sharing what they are doing with each other.

Why would you get together with your friends to do these things if your not going to socialize and interact? Why not do it solo then? Also, things like watching sports or even playing video games can be extremely social. Staring at individual screens isn't. All parents are trying to do is limit scrern time and have kids be kids. Totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am in a weird place with this thread. On one hand, I think it's absurd to force kids to give up their phones, especially as they get older. I can't decide if it's infantalizing them, and expecting they do do things much younger than age-appropriate, or Boomer-esque by assuming they will sit around and chat like Grandma does before her bridge game.

On the other hand, I think the people who insist that their kids never, ever be separated from their phones because they have to be able to be contacted all the time, or because here may be a scary dog, or someone might be mean to them, or whatever other nonsense they have come up with are equally, if not more ridiculous.

So, I guess I have no home. Verdict, ESH.

Please. How often do you leave the house without YOUR phone? I could question you on all the reasons you think you might need a cell phone when you go somewhere and it would be just as silly. And none of my business.

They are on electronics posting this.

If the posters are posting while they are the in middle of social gathering that is rude and speaks to a larger problem. If they are posting by themselves, then how is that relevant to our discussion here?

What social gathering do you go to where the host takes your phone?

Do you think the phone will be sold as soon as it's "taken"? What exactly are you so worried about? If someone at the house really meant to harm your kid you know they actually would take the phone and not even put it in a communal spot that is easily accessible, right?

The particular comments you are responding to are about the PARENTS’ use of phones not a teen’s. Teens carry phones when they leave the home for the same reasons adults do.

And adults are often asked to turn off or mute their phones. You're probably the jerk who doesn't because you're above the rules and nobody's gonna be the boss of you!

If I was invited to someone’s house and they asked me to turn off my phone, I would turn around and leave. That would be truly bizarre.

That works too. Bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am in a weird place with this thread. On one hand, I think it's absurd to force kids to give up their phones, especially as they get older. I can't decide if it's infantalizing them, and expecting they do do things much younger than age-appropriate, or Boomer-esque by assuming they will sit around and chat like Grandma does before her bridge game.

On the other hand, I think the people who insist that their kids never, ever be separated from their phones because they have to be able to be contacted all the time, or because here may be a scary dog, or someone might be mean to them, or whatever other nonsense they have come up with are equally, if not more ridiculous.

So, I guess I have no home. Verdict, ESH.

Please. How often do you leave the house without YOUR phone? I could question you on all the reasons you think you might need a cell phone when you go somewhere and it would be just as silly. And none of my business.

They are on electronics posting this.

If the posters are posting while they are the in middle of social gathering that is rude and speaks to a larger problem. If they are posting by themselves, then how is that relevant to our discussion here?

What social gathering do you go to where the host takes your phone?

Do you think the phone will be sold as soon as it's "taken"? What exactly are you so worried about? If someone at the house really meant to harm your kid you know they actually would take the phone and not even put it in a communal spot that is easily accessible, right?

The particular comments you are responding to are about the PARENTS’ use of phones not a teen’s. Teens carry phones when they leave the home for the same reasons adults do.

And adults are often asked to turn off or mute their phones. You're probably the jerk who doesn't because you're above the rules and nobody's gonna be the boss of you!

If I was invited to someone’s house and they asked me to turn off my phone, I would turn around and leave. That would be truly bizarre.

There are several times when I've gone out to eat with people and they're on their phone. I'm RIGHT HERE! And I've said to them "Everything okay in there?" in a jokey way. Once I just got up and said "It seems like you're too busy for us to hang out today. Why don't you call me when you're ready to reschedule?" and walked out. Don't go to a lunch with someone and spend the bulk of the time on your phone. Don't go to a party and sit alone on your phone. It's SO rude. It's one thing to step away and take a call from your kid, or answer a quick work call/text. But to play games on your phone, or scroll through Instagram? I'm not spending my time with someone doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me more depressed than most on DCUM. The vitriol is amazing- someone asks your child to put her phone somewhere and you are all freaking out. No wonder we’re f$caked as a nation. Srsly bummed out by you people who would be offended by this.

+1

I am shocked how many parents are as addicted to cell phones and doesn't see the issue with kids going back to parallel play

Parallel play?! We are talking about tweens and teens.

I think the issue here is that people are talking about different things. Huge difference between a basket at the door for a sleepover of a few 12 year old girls and a basement party with older co ed teens. I definitely want my kid having her phone on her if we are talking about the latter. If the former, just let us know in advance so I can ask my tween to check the phone from time to time in case I have tried to reach her.

DP. That PP was spot on about parallel play. You don't see it, because you don't want to look. Others of us do.

I know you all think this parallel play comment is really profound. But teens getting together to study is also "parallel play". Watching a sporting event or movie together is parallel play. Exercising together is parallel play. There are lots of social things that people do near one another that don't require constant interaction.

Also, most of the times when I see kids on phones they are also talking, laughing, and sharing what they are doing with each other.

Why would you get together with your friends to do these things if your not going to socialize and interact? Why not do it solo then? Also, things like watching sports or even playing video games can be extremely social. Staring at individual screens isn't. All parents are trying to do is limit scrern time and have kids be kids. Totally fine.

My point is that kids can hang out with their phones and interact just as much as they would if they were having a study date, or taking an exercise class together, or watching a sporting event. I have never seen a group of kids gather, silently look at their phone nonstop for hours, and then separate. Not a single time.

It sounds like perhaps the issue is that some kids you know just use their phone too much. If that's the case for your kid, and you feel they are spending so much time on it that they "can't be a kid", then you definitely should take it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to derail the party thread, but a couple people mentioned having teens/tweens leave their phone and bag at the door when socializing.

How does this work in practice? You tell your guests to leave their phones? Or have your kids do it? A pile of backpacks in the entryway? If a kid wants to keep theirs with them, do you say no?

I actually think my oldest would like this since she complained about get togethers when everyone is staring at their phones and she doesn't love the TikTok culture that a couple of her friends are getting into.

Should I just have her throw me under the bus and say "my mom came up with this lame rule that you can use your phone in the kitchen but they stay in this basket there when we go hang out"?

I don't have drug or alcohol concerns yet, but better to start the policy before I do, right?

I think the healthier way to handle this is to brainstorm with your teen about ways she can encourage her friends to drop the phone. Not to swoop in as a parent to force it. Can she explain to her friends that she wants to chat with them and not be in Tik Tok? Can she suggest an alternate activity? She should be learning to handle this on her own.

You really think a teenager is able to get a phone out of another kid's hand? When their parents and schools can't?

That shouldn’t be the goal. The goal should be to connect, to chat, to engage in activities together and yes I think OP’s teen should be advocating for the type of engagement with friends that she wants. What is OP’s plan for her teen when she is off to college and her friends are looking at phones? Call mom and demand mom set up a basket at the dorm?

Then you tell the child to put away the phone and they aren't allowed to use it except in an emergency. Most homes don't have home phones anymore (we do) so if there was an emergency I want my kid to be able to call me or 911.

Do you think the parents take the kid's phones and break them in half like burner phones?

1. They are in a house
2. The phone is still available if they need it. Just ask
3. The parents are there and they too have phones

It really is not that hard LOL

No one said it was hard.
It’s a little too insistent for my taste. I like to socialize with people who are a bit more easy going. And saying “LOL” after every comment doesn’t make you easy going!

Here is the issue right here. Parents are taking it personally. They aren't looking for the benefits of the kids. They are bitter some parents don't parent the same way. And instead of thinking, hey I wonder if my kids would like a night like this, they just get offended, annoyed, and spin it that parents are too hard for "snatching phones away from my kids." I have never done this but am now really considering it for my 12yr old. I know many parents who would absolutely get on board with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am in a weird place with this thread. On one hand, I think it's absurd to force kids to give up their phones, especially as they get older. I can't decide if it's infantalizing them, and expecting they do do things much younger than age-appropriate, or Boomer-esque by assuming they will sit around and chat like Grandma does before her bridge game.

On the other hand, I think the people who insist that their kids never, ever be separated from their phones because they have to be able to be contacted all the time, or because here may be a scary dog, or someone might be mean to them, or whatever other nonsense they have come up with are equally, if not more ridiculous.

So, I guess I have no home. Verdict, ESH.

Please. How often do you leave the house without YOUR phone? I could question you on all the reasons you think you might need a cell phone when you go somewhere and it would be just as silly. And none of my business.

They are on electronics posting this.

If the posters are posting while they are the in middle of social gathering that is rude and speaks to a larger problem. If they are posting by themselves, then how is that relevant to our discussion here?

What social gathering do you go to where the host takes your phone?

Do you think the phone will be sold as soon as it's "taken"? What exactly are you so worried about? If someone at the house really meant to harm your kid you know they actually would take the phone and not even put it in a communal spot that is easily accessible, right?

The particular comments you are responding to are about the PARENTS’ use of phones not a teen’s. Teens carry phones when they leave the home for the same reasons adults do.

And adults are often asked to turn off or mute their phones. You're probably the jerk who doesn't because you're above the rules and nobody's gonna be the boss of you!

If I was invited to someone’s house and they asked me to turn off my phone, I would turn around and leave. That would be truly bizarre.

There are several times when I've gone out to eat with people and they're on their phone. I'm RIGHT HERE! And I've said to them "Everything okay in there?" in a jokey way. Once I just got up and said "It seems like you're too busy for us to hang out today. Why don't you call me when you're ready to reschedule?" and walked out. Don't go to a lunch with someone and spend the bulk of the time on your phone. Don't go to a party and sit alone on your phone. It's SO rude. It's one thing to step away and take a call from your kid, or answer a quick work call/text. But to play games on your phone, or scroll through Instagram? I'm not spending my time with someone doing that.

Depressed PP here. This is what I’m talking about. If adults can be like this, of course tweens and teens can too- even more so! They haven’t ever had to learn to socialize without them, and they are really bad at it unless they practice. I work in a high school.

I am just gobsmacked over the posters who are saying they would get angry! and leave! or have their children never come back! to a house/person that asks them to focus on the here and now. We KNOW phones are a problem for kids- there’s, like, data about it. Silicon Bros don’t give their kids devices! So why in the world would you get defensive if a parent wanted to try, artificially, to creat a phone free socializing hangout? I am not buying the what if there’s an emergency (cmon- you have the parents’ contact info most likely). But I realize now that this is exactly what you would all say - outraged- if schools tried to get kids off their phones for real. If there were real consequences for having it out in class. I actually thought that admin was using a bit of a dodge saying that parents wouldn’t be on board with no phones in classes. But now I see, really really clearly, and sadly!, that they were right. You are all addicted (me too, I guess) and maybe threatened? Feeling judged? If someone tries to help kids with their developing addictions.

Bah. Good night. This sucks. We are f*cked.

[Anonymous]

This (having my kid leave phone in a basket by the door) would bother me, but I’m not exactly sure why, because I understand the reasoning behind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This (having my kid leave phone in a basket by the door) would bother me, but I’m not exactly sure why, because I understand the reasoning behind it.

I would question the motives of a parent who wanted to host my kid, but wanted to make sure I had no way to get in touch with my child and my child had no way to get in touch with me. Are you planning on abusing them in some way and don't want them to be able to get in touch with their parents? This seems weird and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This (having my kid leave phone in a basket by the door) would bother me, but I’m not exactly sure why, because I understand the reasoning behind it.

I would question the motives of a parent who wanted to host my kid, but wanted to make sure I had no way to get in touch with my child and my child had no way to get in touch with me. Are you planning on abusing them in some way and don't want them to be able to get in touch with their parents? This seems weird and controlling.

Okay. Then keep them home or at someone else's house where you can contact them or they can contact you constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This (having my kid leave phone in a basket by the door) would bother me, but I’m not exactly sure why, because I understand the reasoning behind it.

I would question the motives of a parent who wanted to host my kid, but wanted to make sure I had no way to get in touch with my child and my child had no way to get in touch with me. Are you planning on abusing them in some way and don't want them to be able to get in touch with their parents? This seems weird and controlling.

Phew, it must be tough to live with this much anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can see porn in my house if their phone is with me. That’s my reasoning.

Can you block Wi-Fi access for guests?