Reply to women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To all the ladies on this thread dealing with the same thing, I say: get a great nanny.  My DH is useless, and unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I was pregnant with our twins.  Prior to that, we both worked, I managed cooking and most of the little details of life like shoooing, calendaring, etc. And he managed car repair and lawn maintenance and we outsourced cleaning.  Then when I was pregnant (with twins!) and slowing down and needed him to pick up slack, his response to being asked to take over entire tasks such as handling dinner resulted in takeout.  Only.  Ever.  He CAN cook and he in fact cooked for me often during our courtship and newlywed period, but he somehow decided he was done.  Since I was not working and on bed rest, I tried to explain that we couldn’t financially afford to spend $40 a night on takeout.  He then complained that I was being impossible and should just do it myself.

Similar things over and over at every step of the way.  I will probably divorce him at some point but it is so hard on kids and he is such an absentee dad that if they weren’t in the same house they would probably never see him at all.

For the first year, I had a nice, experienced, grandmotherly type of nanny who did childcare and nothing else.  It was helpful but still exhausting mentally to manage every single thing.

At one year, we switched to a nanny in her twenties who billed herself as a “full-service” nanny.  She manages everything for the kids.  She makes all their meals, does all their laundry, organizes their stuff, and buys whatever they need.  She goes grocery shopping weekly and gets everything the kids need and anything I add.  She also does a monthly Target run and she orders everything else from Amazon.  She keeps track of their clothing and shoe sizes and orders what they need each season.  She manages homework assignments and gets anything they need for projects.  She organizes sports and activities and playdates.  She currates their toys and books and culls things they are outgrowing and keeps a list of gift ideas for birthdays and holidays and orders educational books and activities and supplies as needed.  She clips their fingernails and takes them to get hair cuts and schedules dentist visits and flu shots.

When I arrive home on a weeknight, homework is done and left out for my review.  Sports stuff is put away.  Their chores are done and they are bathed and in pjs.  A nice family meal is on the table and we all sit down and eat together and talk, then we read books and get them ready for bed in a leisurely manner.

On weekends, I just have to consult our online calendar to see where the kids need to be.  If they have a big school project to work on, there is a box with the assignment printout and all the supplies sitting on my counter.  If they have a sports practice, their uniform is clean and packed with their gear and healthy snacks for the whole team are in the fridge.  If they have a birthday party, party clothes are laid out and a thoughtful gift and homemade card are waiting for me on the counter.  When I open the fridge, there are two dinners ready to go in the oven.  When I open the kids’ medicine cabinet, all of their toiletries are topped up and ready to use.  When I open their closets, their clothes are clean and put away.  I don’t have to prep for parenting; [b]I just parent[/b] and it is the best money I have ever spent.[/quote]

How much do you pay this person?  And does DH have ANY involvement in their lives?  This whole set up sounds sad.[/quote]

It doesn't sound like much parenting is being done by either dad or mom in this situation.  What are you and DH gonna do when Mary Poppins leaves?  [/quote]

I pay her $22 per hour plus overtime.  She works 7-5 four days a week and 7-8 one day per week. (She gets kids ready while I get myself ready, then kids and I eat breakfast together before leaving for school/work).

DH eats dinner with us and on the night I work late he will take a turn reading books with them at bedtime and tucking them in (with nanny there to keep it all going smoothly, so he never has to deal with any discipline issues).  He also goes on outings with them often—but only because the nanny plans everything and invites him and then thanks him effusively afterward for all his “help.”  She literally packs snacks for him right along with the kids, plans on eating lunch at places HE likes and books the activities based on HIS interests.  But the kids love having that time with him and if I had to do all that prep work and then go on about how great he was for spending half a day with his kids I would wretch.  I have no idea what I would do if she left.  So far I just keep throwing raises at her every year and as much time off as she wants.  Eventually she will leave I am sure and at that point we will need to find a new Marry Poppins.

I am always amused by the people who hear about this setup (I long ago learned not to tell anyone irl) who immediately assume that I am not a “real” parent because I don’t do any of the logistical nonsense.  All I do is spend half an hour eating breakfast with my kids every weekday, 3 hours doing dinner and bedtime four days per week and all day Saturday and Sunday taking them to activities and spending relaxing time together.  Tell me again that I am less of a mom than all the women who spend the same amount of time with their kids but split their attention between making dinner and supervising homework and waiting on hold with the orthodontist.  Tell me how I am less of a parent than all the dads described on this very thread who would never dream of doing any of this stuff and always expected to arrive home to a dinner on the table prepared by the food fairy/mommy/wife.
[/quote]

You are very lucky! How did you find your nanny?[/quote]

Don't even have kids in my life and I want her - she sounds like a dream scheduler. Can she cook my meals too?[/quote]

+1 Me too. No kids, sounds like a great set up. [/quote]

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