What's the most selfish thing your spouse has done?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Those of you with resentment toward your husbands for not staying with you, by the hospital bed, after childbirth -- do you do the same for him when he is hospitalized? Or is he expected to "be a man" and deal with it?

Jesus people... this is why there are issues with PPD. A woman who gives birth just went through a HUGE hormonal/personal/physical/etc change and ESPECIALLY with the first child--- how is it out of the ordinary to expect that the father would just stay with you for the first night? And yes, if my DH was in the hospital I would absolutely do everything I could to support him.

NP. Don't get it either. It is the father's child. His wife just delivered a baby, and may have even had a routine, but still serious, medical procedure.

And even if YOU didn't need your husband's help, someone else still may want/need their husband around. How hard is it to understand?

I don't think anyone's saying they don't care if their DH is there at ALL - he's there during the birth, during the waking hours, bringing you extra food, getting water, listening to what the doctors/nurses are saying, etc. But what some women are saying is there isn't much of a point for the DH to stay overnight in a crappy chair and probably not get any rest, thus possibly making him tired/cranky the next day, etc. The new mom probably isn't getting much sleep in the hospital either, but it doesn't make a lot of sense for both parents to be exhausted.

This kind of sexism makes me crazy, and it doesn't make it any less sexist just because you couch it in terms of "what some women are saying."

This kind of attitude -- "well, she has to do it, so why should I also have to do it? Doing it comes at a cost (of lack of rest) and at least one of us should feel well-rested" -- is ridiculous logic that, when extended through the life of raising kids means that the woman does the lion's share of parenting and suffers the lion's share of the negative damage from it (sleep, career prospects, double shift, etc.)

DH should stay overnight in a crappy chair, because the child that was just born is 50% his, so he should do 50% of the child-rearing from the start. Yes, DH might get a crappy night's sleep, but he might also be able to rise in the middle of the night to change a diaper or get me the baby, thus making my middle of the night a little less crappy. DH might also get to bond with the new baby and better learn the new baby's rythm.

Also, it is not my responsibility to insulate DH from anything that might make him tired/cranky the next day. He needs to suck it up when he is tired just like I do.

Yep. It turns out my DH does way better sleep deprived than I do, so he did everything put breast-feed at night in the beginning--and got really talented at shushing our newborns to sleep too. DH was enamored of our babies--I was glad he didn't leave, but he couldn't think of leaving either.

These men who step back and let their wives down postpartum are doing something pretty darned awful.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Had a love child.

Did you guys divorce? Does he bring the child around?

No, still married.

The mother, sadly, does not allow the child to come around our house so he sees the child separately.

This always amazes me. Honestly don't you really hate him? I get it that many have to stay married because of health, money, kids etc. issues. However there is no way I'd ever love that person let alone like them.

Hope you have money he doesn't know about..

No I don't hate him. I do have much better boundaries now, though.

Love doesn't really come into it. We have a big house and young children, and I don't wish to carry the load with two hands when four are available. Since there is no divorce in the works, it makes little sense to continue the hostilities. We are amiable coworkers. Our money has always been separate and he will inherit nothing if I go before him.

It's common among many women, but it would suck to have to sleep with him. On the other hand I've known some women that really struggle after divorce. Not many decent guys out there, but some get lucky and end up younger widows.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My STBX went home after the birth of our son - home was fifteen minutes away - to pick up some things, including food. He ended up falling asleep and came back five hours later.

And you hold this against him??? Good grief.

+1

If this is the most selfish thing he has ever done, he's fine.

Um okay. I'm in a foreign hospital alone with a newborn and dad goes and takes a multi-hour nap? Yes, that's selfish.

I stand by my statement - if this is the MOST SELFISH thing he has ever done, you should be ok. You were in a hospital being cared for by nurses and doctors and he went home and took a nap. Not what you wanted, right? Not what you dreamed about during pregnancy? I get it, I really do. But...if this is truly the best thing you can come up with...read some of this other stuff.

A lot of women have been raised to believe that the man's role is to cater to the mother / wife's needs / wants and to not have any needs or wants of their own. It led to the whole - treat her like a Princess / Queen mentality or the Happy Wife Happy Life slogan / syndrome. I think it was feminist backlash to the men have power so it was switched around to women are royalty and men are their wives servants attitude. So for people with that mindset - a man sleeping when exhausted rather than being in 'yes, dear, whatever you want dear' mode is the ultimate betrayal because that isn't how you as a lowly employee would ever treat royalty. It is a power imbalance dynamic issue that leads to hurt and anger when the man doesn't below his 'role'.

i think we've found the angry man in the room.

[Anonymous]

My (ex) husband changed my bridal registry behind my back. Instead of receiving the china & silver I had put on it, I received a bunch of leather animals which you put your feet on.

[Anonymous]

I came home from surgery an was recovering in bed and my (ex) husband met with his drug dealer to get more drugs.

Ironically, my ex died of a drug overdose 10 years later. By that time I was happily married to a good guy.

[ZachF]

Anonymous wrote:My (ex) husband changed my bridal registry behind my back. Instead of receiving the china & silver I had put on it, I received a bunch of leather animals which you put your feet on.

This wins as the funniest post in this thread. We must have more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My (ex) husband changed my bridal registry behind my back. Instead of receiving the china & silver I had put on it, I received a bunch of leather animals which you put your feet on.

so cool. still laughing. come here for bs, and this gave me a smile

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One night many years ago I developed excruciating headache and could not turn my head, and neck was really hurting. I asked my exH to take me to the hospital, he refused. Headache continued through the night and the next morning he made me go to his family gathering which was really important to him. It was easier to go than to listen to his screaming. Just about everyone at the party said that I look really bad and have to see the doctor, my ex said that he is not going to pay for the headache. On the way back he yelled at me in the car because he had to bring me beverages (I could not eat and could barely move), and when I said I can't take any yelling right now he turned the car radio all the way up. I felt like my head is just about to explode. Headache and neck ache did not go away and late that evening. I watched few first minutes of the movie with the sound turned off, blinked, opened my eyes and the movie was over, it was really strange. I realized that I am loosing consciousness, got up and called an ambulance. When it came he yelled at the paramedic that he is not going to pay for the headache (I had health insurance and paid for it myself). They took me anyway. I had bacterial meningitis.
In the presence of my ex I was been told by the doctor to remain on the bed rest for at least 10 days after I get home. I had to go back to work after 5 because I was paying for the household groceries, did not have any savings and that's why ''did not get to eat''. He was not poor at all, in fact, he made very good money.
He was also told by veterinarian that he is starving his dog, she was seriously under weight, I fed her secretly in small portions (he was watching the consistency and color of her poop every time).
I don't think that he is selfish, I think that he is evil.
It's over, I am with a wonderful, caring and protective man.

Oh my gd. That is the next serial killer. Where does he live? I would like to move elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OMG.

Most of you guys have the BEST spouses in the world. Seriously. He left you at a hospital for a couple hours to sleep? What? He went to a football game on your birthday so celebrated it a different day.

You guys are crazy!

I wouldn't even know where to start with DH -- he's great and confident and fun and loving and calm and the MOST selfish man on Earth.

For instance, when I went into labor, he went into work... And we homebirth! The midwife told him that he should stay but he ignored her. I begged him between contractions to stay, but he ignored me! He came home after work and didn't miss the birth (I wish he had!). He then went to work the next day because he didn't want to use his vacation or sick days and didn't get paid paternity. And we HOME birth so I literally had no one there.

Then, baby 2, he decides he's planning a trip to NYC with friends the weekend AFTER my due date. I was livid. The midwife said not to, I begged him not to -- he ignored us. Of course, I don't go into labor until he got home so he didn't miss the birth again (I wish he had!). Again, be didn't take any leave.

Needless to say we didn't have any more children.

But that's just him. He wanted to invite his 20 ex-girlfriends to the wedding so told me they were friends and said that "we should after not to invite exes' because he didn't want my TWO be ex-boyfriends there. I found out after (from him mom, actually) who they were. He then said that it was different because they were just dating and not girlfriends.

He is a VERY good dad, surprisingly, and a stable husband, surprisingly, but he definitely has some form of learning disability. I'm not sure. I think it's autism tho and I kind of recognize the lack of ability to have logic and emotions in the same way as others since both our boys are autistic.

[Anonymous]

I had an ex who, after I was injured and needed to be taken to the hospital, decided it would be a better idea for him to go out and get drunk. He was an alcoholic and "couldn't handle" the emotional distress my being injured caused him. I had to drive myself with a messed up leg.

My current DH hoards his money away. He never wanted to combine finances, and tries to make me pay more than my fair share so he can stash more away. I let it go because I know if we divorce it'll have to be split anyway. He's done some other crappy things- such as telling me to suck it up when I had a miscarriage and later when I had PPD- but I wouldn't classify that as selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG.

Most of you guys have the BEST spouses in the world. Seriously. He left you at a hospital for a couple hours to sleep? What? He went to a football game on your birthday so celebrated it a different day.

You guys are crazy!

I wouldn't even know where to start with DH -- he's great and confident and fun and loving and calm and the MOST selfish man on Earth.

For instance, when I went into labor, he went into work... And we homebirth! The midwife told him that he should stay but he ignored her. I begged him between contractions to stay, but he ignored me! He came home after work and didn't miss the birth (I wish he had!). He then went to work the next day because he didn't want to use his vacation or sick days and didn't get paid paternity. And we HOME birth so I literally had no one there.

Then, baby 2, he decides he's planning a trip to NYC with friends the weekend AFTER my due date. I was livid. The midwife said not to, I begged him not to -- he ignored us. Of course, I don't go into labor until he got home so he didn't miss the birth again (I wish he had!). Again, be didn't take any leave.

Needless to say we didn't have any more children.

But that's just him. He wanted to invite his 20 ex-girlfriends to the wedding so told me they were friends and said that "we should after not to invite exes' because he didn't want my TWO be ex-boyfriends there. I found out after (from him mom, actually) who they were. He then said that it was different because they were just dating and not girlfriends.

He is a VERY good dad, surprisingly, and a stable husband, surprisingly, but he definitely has some form of learning disability. I'm not sure. I think it's autism tho and I kind of recognize the lack of ability to have logic and emotions in the same way as others since both our boys are autistic.

Why are you accepting this kind of treatment? Allowing men to treat women like this hurts all of us. Please don’t have anymore children with someone who can’t even be bothered with the birth of his child. Please see a therapist to determine why you don’t demand more

[Anonymous]

Insist that her annual girl's weekend take precedent over my birthday (they coincide) every year of our 14 years of marriage.

Her rationale is that I'm not that into bdays (sorta true) and that these weekends had been occurring for 5 years before we met.

Still, kinda sucked to spend my 40th by myself while she was with her gfs partying in NYC.

[Anonymous]

Mostly, my DH is so so not selfish. I feel very lucky. I never dated these ass-holy men. Where do they come from?

[Anonymous]

I'll go with the deadliest - he was annoyed because I had snapped at him that morning because I was so incredibly ill and worried. My doctor had just called to tell me I had an acute thyroid condition that needed immediate heart medication to control my heart rate. So he refused to go and get it, even though I needed to take it right away. I couldn't walk or drive to the nearest pharmacy.

I had to call my friend's husband, who lived further away, to get the meds on his way to work and drop them off at my house.

That very night I went into thyroid storm, which can be fatal, and had to be rushed to the ER.

And get this. My husband is a DOCTOR, and internist. He should have known not to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally not selfish so I can't pinpoint one thing but I really think spouse did not get the level of exhaustion I was experiencing with our reflux baby who was up all night and screamed all day and could have tried to be more understanding about why it was impacting our sex life. Pitched a full on fit one night about 5 months in when I couldn't make myself do it because I knew the baby would be awake again in 2 hours and I just needed sleep. Like really??

I had a similar situation. I ended up pumping the milk and telling my DH that if he wanted to have sex he would need to wake up with the baby. He accepted gladly! Since then he slept with the baby and rarely wake me up and we had sex every other day . We both LOVED our arrangement