Getting married in a month and I can't decide if I want to take his last name

[Anonymous]

I kept my name. I don't think I really had a lot of issues with doing that. Occasionally I get called by his last name and he gets called by my last name but we correct people and move on and it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL what a stupid issue to founder a marriage over. This is lose-lose for the woman any way you slice it. Either the groom insists you take his name and you call off the marriage because you have to prove a pointless point, or he caves and you end up with a passive doormat.

Talk about male fragility here.

[Anonymous]

I was in my early 20s when I got married and I changed my name. I hated my maiden name - nobody could spell or pronounce it and it was just a huge pain. Now, 20 years later, I regret changing it. I have never really felt like the last name is me, and it might be because my husband's family is just really different than mine. I also am going through some major marital difficulties and am not super excited about the change of having to change my name again if we got divorced (and I would drop the name upon divorce).

As far as feminism, I personally felt that both names were patriarchal. So, I had my dad's name and I didn't find that using my husband's name was that much worse. I really don't understand the anger in some of the discussions in this thread. Isn't feminism about letting women decide what they want?

[Anonymous]

I kept my name and it has been a nonissue. I'm not sure if it is coincidence or not, but most of my close work and "mom" friends changed their name too.

[Anonymous]

I am glad every single day that I did not change my name. every day.

I'm in a loving marriage, but that is irrelevant. this is about your name.

[Anonymous]

I have a very unique name .... I am literally the only one in the world with it. So I did not want to give that up. I also shared it with my child as a middle name. So we are indelibly marked together anytime people see our passports. So it wasn't even necessary to give him the same last name.

My DH felt strongly I should keep my own last name. I work in a small profession and your name means a lot. It's been helpful to keep my last name, and in 29 years of marriage, it's only come up once as an issue that we did not have the same last name. And I simply pulled out my checkbook, and the names on the printed joint checks solved the issue.

[Anonymous]

It's funny how many people say they kept their name based on feminist principles but gave their children their husband's name. It seems incongruous to me.

I couldn't agree more with the early poster who said it's every person's right to choose, and that the act of making the choice is more a victory for feminism than automatically keeping your name. That said, do I judge when people change their names? A bit. Trying not to. But a bit. The fundamental system upon which that premise rests (that you are your father's property and then become your husband's) is so unappealing to me. And YES I realize that my name is my father's. But it's also mine.

My kid has my name, not my husband's. Why make the point about choosing to 'stay me' and then turn around and perpetuate the system by saying our children are his heirs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was easy for me. I wanted our family to all share a last name. I have no regrets about changing my name.

Same here. I love having the same last name as my kids, and I wasn't tied to my old last name. Didn't affect my career. I hesitated on "principle" years ago, but no regrets now.

If you have daughters who follow your approach, won't you end up with different names in the long run?

[Anonymous]

Look keep your name or don't. No one outside of your immediate family cares. If it's more important to you to prove a point about who's in control in your marriage then start off harmoniously, then that's just your own insecurity. Pretending you are Elizabeth cady Stanton is amusing though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kept my maiden name for about four years, and then only changed when my husband decided to join the military. It is easier having the same name as your spouse in the military.

I ended up dropping my middle name (which I never liked and never used) and my maiden name is now my legal middle name. My mother, who got married fifty years ago, hyphenated her name as well.

It wasn't about feminism, just that I we both genuinely liked our maiden names and didn't want to have to give them up just because we were married. We both found ways to incorporate our maiden names with our married names with little hassle.

Family names are so tricky though. I'm much closer to my mother's family than I was to my Dad's, and I kind of wish I had her last name instead at times--especially since it sounds so cool and exotic.
If my husband had a terrible last name, I don't think I would want to carry it.

Military family here and this isn't necessarily true. It is harder for the military member to change their name once they are in. But I have kept my name and our kids have my name too and it has never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just an update in case anyone cares... I took his name. As predicted, life has not changed. DH seemed happy about it, although he professed not to care either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just an update in case anyone cares... I took his name. As predicted, life has not changed. DH seemed happy about it, although he professed not to care either way.

Glad it worked out. I know many women that use their maiden name socially though they changed it legally. It's a personal choice either way.

[Anonymous]

I hope it's not a slippery slope for you, OP, since you had felt it's an archaic practice that could seem to support the patriarchy. Let us know how it goes when you're doing most of the household work and childcare, in addition to your paid job. DH won't make you do it, but he'll seem happy.

[Anonymous]

This a silly thing to be worried about.

If you want to have the name signify a bond then do it. If it's an outdated antifeminist social construct to you, then don't do it.

Whatever your future DH thinks about it isn't relevant, at the end of the day, it's YOUR name.

[Anonymous]

I'm quite obviously of a particular ethnic background (think red headed Irish) and my husband is another ethnicity (though perhaps more ethnically ambiguous to look at). It felt funny to take a last name of another ethnicity. It seems like I would feel like an imposter, which of course is strange.

Honestly, I might have changed my name if I married someone with the same ethnic background -- but I would tell hubby that! So I might change from Connelly to O'Conner but not Connelly to Srinavasan or Chao, for example.