Harsh comment on being a Sahm

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

+1. I am a WOHM but anyone who can't see that our society would lose so much value without the unpaid labor of SAHPs is an idiot. Who do you think fills many volunteer roles and spends that money you "I hate volunteering" parents donate in lieu of actually helping out for things? Sure WOHPs do too, but it's largely SAHPs. I'm so grateful for all the experiences they enable and good they do in the world.

This is the tween and teen forum. I don't know very many tween and teen parents who spend lots of time volunteering in kids' schools when the kids are that age. Parent volunteers are helpful when the kids are young, but really not beyond 3rd grade or so.

There's a lot more to volunteering than helping out at school.

Such as? Enlighten us.

Dp. Sports. My tweens are both swimmers and if I added up the hours I spent volunteering for that it would probably add up to a part time job in the winter, and a full time job in the summer.

You don't have to give up your career so that your kids can join a swim team. Give me a break! Unless your kid is headed for the Olympics, your measure of self-importance as a SAHM volunteer is delusional.

It seems like you suffer from black-and-white thinking. People are giving examples of what they do with their time not saying that’s all they do.

[Anonymous]

Yikes! Very rude children.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

+1. I am a WOHM but anyone who can't see that our society would lose so much value without the unpaid labor of SAHPs is an idiot. Who do you think fills many volunteer roles and spends that money you "I hate volunteering" parents donate in lieu of actually helping out for things? Sure WOHPs do too, but it's largely SAHPs. I'm so grateful for all the experiences they enable and good they do in the world.

This is the tween and teen forum. I don't know very many tween and teen parents who spend lots of time volunteering in kids' schools when the kids are that age. Parent volunteers are helpful when the kids are young, but really not beyond 3rd grade or so.

There's a lot more to volunteering than helping out at school.

Such as? Enlighten us.

Dp. Sports. My tweens are both swimmers and if I added up the hours I spent volunteering for that it would probably add up to a part time job in the winter, and a full time job in the summer.

You don't have to give up your career so that your kids can join a swim team. Give me a break! Unless your kid is headed for the Olympics, your measure of self-importance as a SAHM volunteer is delusional.

It seems like you suffer from black-and-white thinking. People are giving examples of what they do with their time not saying that’s all they do.

A few of these responses make me think that there is a (hopefully small) subset of people that really do NEED a boss to tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to feel about it.

Independent thought left the building for these types decades ago, probably when they were still kids themselves.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

+1. I am a WOHM but anyone who can't see that our society would lose so much value without the unpaid labor of SAHPs is an idiot. Who do you think fills many volunteer roles and spends that money you "I hate volunteering" parents donate in lieu of actually helping out for things? Sure WOHPs do too, but it's largely SAHPs. I'm so grateful for all the experiences they enable and good they do in the world.

This is the tween and teen forum. I don't know very many tween and teen parents who spend lots of time volunteering in kids' schools when the kids are that age. Parent volunteers are helpful when the kids are young, but really not beyond 3rd grade or so.

There's a lot more to volunteering than helping out at school.

Such as? Enlighten us.

Dp. Sports. My tweens are both swimmers and if I added up the hours I spent volunteering for that it would probably add up to a part time job in the winter, and a full time job in the summer.

You don't have to give up your career so that your kids can join a swim team. Give me a break! Unless your kid is headed for the Olympics, your measure of self-importance as a SAHM volunteer is delusional.

NP here. Yes, D1 swimmer parent here. Yes, it was a lot to juggle but managed to work full time, be a summer swim official and time at meets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

+1. I am a WOHM but anyone who can't see that our society would lose so much value without the unpaid labor of SAHPs is an idiot. Who do you think fills many volunteer roles and spends that money you "I hate volunteering" parents donate in lieu of actually helping out for things? Sure WOHPs do too, but it's largely SAHPs. I'm so grateful for all the experiences they enable and good they do in the world.

This is the tween and teen forum. I don't know very many tween and teen parents who spend lots of time volunteering in kids' schools when the kids are that age. Parent volunteers are helpful when the kids are young, but really not beyond 3rd grade or so.

There's a lot more to volunteering than helping out at school.

Such as? Enlighten us.

Dp. Sports. My tweens are both swimmers and if I added up the hours I spent volunteering for that it would probably add up to a part time job in the winter, and a full time job in the summer.

You don't have to give up your career so that your kids can join a swim team. Give me a break! Unless your kid is headed for the Olympics, your measure of self-importance as a SAHM volunteer is delusional.

NP here. Yes, D1 swimmer parent here. Yes, it was a lot to juggle but managed to work full time, be a summer swim official and time at meets.

A lot of people missing the point here. Whether you have a paying job or not, it is very easy to fill up hours with basic things such as cooking and cleaning, but also volunteering and being involved in your kids activities. Not having a paying job frees you up for a lot more hours and activities. I have a FT paying job but if that stopped, could absolutely fill up far more than 40 hours a week with other activities and projects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

I'm with this poster. I think SAH parents are ridiculous with their pathetic hurt feelings and their ridiculous "I work so hard" snivels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

Okay, but to a teenager, that’s a pretty lame way to spend day in and out. They probably see other moms who work and do the things you do.

And even to someone who is not a teenager, it is extremely lame. It's fine you like this life, but yes you should understand that m.a.n.y. others (and not just teenagers) agree that tennis and pilates because you drive around in the evening comprises a vacuous and pathetic life.

[Anonymous]

To respond directly to OP...I think you just need to own the fact that you are financially able to have a SAH parent and that you prefer this to working...and you don't need to work.

Trying to rationalize why you stay-at-home just won't cut it...because honestly, it doesn't sound like something a teenage kid would respect.

Also, I am sure there are kids that participate in the same activities as your kids that have both parents working...yet they seem to pull it off without much difficulty (or at least any difficulty that your kid can discern).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To respond directly to OP...I think you just need to own the fact that you are financially able to have a SAH parent and that you prefer this to working...and you don't need to work.

Trying to rationalize why you stay-at-home just won't cut it...because honestly, it doesn't sound like something a teenage kid would respect.

Also, I am sure there are kids that participate in the same activities as your kids that have both parents working...yet they seem to pull it off without much difficulty (or at least any difficulty that your kid can discern).

You don’t need to justify it because working isn’t actively the default. People work to live. If your family is living just fine without your paid employment, why the hell would you work and who the hell cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because I can! And I like to play tennis and do pilates after drop-off b/c I am #1 chauffeur from 3-9 pm with sports, activities, etc.

Okay, but to a teenager, that’s a pretty lame way to spend day in and out. They probably see other moms who work and do the things you do.

And even to someone who is not a teenager, it is extremely lame. It's fine you like this life, but yes you should understand that m.a.n.y. others (and not just teenagers) agree that tennis and pilates because you drive around in the evening comprises a vacuous and pathetic life.

As if your HR job, or marketing job, or pharmaceutical sales job is superior?

[Anonymous]

Your teen should respect you, no matter what you do, you are their mom and you are doing your best to parent.

You should make this clear to them, so they don’t grow up to be mean-spirited judgemental people like some of these commentators who have issue with how you choose to live and parent.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH say stuff like this? My dad did. I didn’t repeat it to my mom, nor did my brother, but my brother is now doing it to his own wife (who works!)

It’s more about misogyny than the work itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

I'm with this poster. I think SAH parents are ridiculous with their pathetic hurt feelings and their ridiculous "I work so hard" snivels.

Not any more or less then parents who minimal childcare or housework but are ridiculously pathetic about doing double duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

+1. I am a WOHM but anyone who can't see that our society would lose so much value without the unpaid labor of SAHPs is an idiot. Who do you think fills many volunteer roles and spends that money you "I hate volunteering" parents donate in lieu of actually helping out for things? Sure WOHPs do too, but it's largely SAHPs. I'm so grateful for all the experiences they enable and good they do in the world.

This is the tween and teen forum. I don't know very many tween and teen parents who spend lots of time volunteering in kids' schools when the kids are that age. Parent volunteers are helpful when the kids are young, but really not beyond 3rd grade or so.

There's a lot more to volunteering than helping out at school.

Such as? Enlighten us.

Dp. Sports. My tweens are both swimmers and if I added up the hours I spent volunteering for that it would probably add up to a part time job in the winter, and a full time job in the summer.

You don't have to give up your career so that your kids can join a swim team. Give me a break! Unless your kid is headed for the Olympics, your measure of self-importance as a SAHM volunteer is delusional.

NP here. Yes, D1 swimmer parent here. Yes, it was a lot to juggle but managed to work full time, be a summer swim official and time at meets.

I don’t know if they are SAHP or not, but my son’s teams have a team mom and they do a lot of pre and post game meals, fundraisers, chaperone travel, etc. which I’m extremely grateful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, teenagers aren’t very subtle but it is a valid question. Why do you need to be at home all day and not at work? It isn’t the 1950s. Hire a cleaner and order everything like groceries, etc.

Because your identity and value as a human being is not, and should not, be tied to paid work. Drill that into your thick head.

She’s a dependent, just like her kids. Not a good look for an educated adult who is perfectly capable of working but would rather play tennis.

If the things she is doing are worth paying someone for, like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids, then she is not a dependent. She is doing unpaid work. Not to mention the amount you would have to pay for all of that would likely exceed what a moderate to moderately high earner would earn.

You are sick person if you would deprive someone who does unpaid work a couple of hours of relaxation time or resources for themself. OP is doing work in the evening hours while many people are chilling in front of the TV.

She’s a dependent if she cannot support herself and her kids. Unless she is independently wealthy, she wouldn’t ever be able to live independently. A man is not a plan. If the OP has daughters, she shouldn’t be modeling a lifestyle that causes financial dependence on a man.

This is such a lazy, tired argument. You have drank the capitalist kool-aid and don’t recognize your own internalized misogyny and completely screwed up value system.

Go work for money if you want to, but thinking people don’t care about the judgements of women who are stuck with the worldview they were told is correct back in middle school.

1) We live in a capitalist society with few safety nets. Very few people in the US have the privilege of dismissing, as you do, the "capitalist kool-aid." Have you ever lived paycheck to paycheck? Have you ever had to decide between paying medical and utility bills? This is the reality for most of America.
2) Women with children are far, fare more likely to live in poverty than men. It is nowhere near misogynistic to educate women about the risks of having a man with a plan. And yes, even DCUM women can be at risk. You only need to browse the Relationships Forum to read about moms who have given up their careers and then blindsided by husbands who ask for divorce.

DP. Yeah, there are few safety nets. But we are not making things better for our children by modeling maximum attention to making money and consumption. Most of Americans could do with less consumption and competition and more presence and love.

Of course there are caveats - SAHP should have their own retirement fund (or DH saves for both) and both parents should have life insurance. Obviously this setup is made possible by one parent having a very high paying job, having affordable housing, or some combination. I recognize that many people are finding that difficult to attain but that’s no reason to $hit on families who manage it, that’s a reason to support more family friendly policies.

The point went over your help with a loud swish. I’m a single parent and I’m definitely not working because I spend too much. I barely make ends meet and I rarely buy anything extra. Life is expensive and if I didn’t work, we would’ve been homeless after our divorce. I believe I’m modeling the ability to take care of myself and not need to be a dependent.