To my husband’s work AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- Be sure to tell AP’s husband before you let your husband know that you know. You don’t want to give AP a head’s up as to what’s coming. Let this catch her by surprise.

THIS. Such good advice. I let it come out of left field. My spouse was “do what you need to do”. She knew I knew. I let her sit and stew and wonder…then when enough time passed, bam!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP was my real life friend, I would definitely want her to keep her eyes on her life and deciding what’s best for her and her kids.

But since this is the internet, and I love a good train, I forward to the next chapters.

If OP was my friend, I’d be helping her plot her spectacular revenge.

+1 I'm with ya, OP. Go nuclear.

I cannot abide cheaters and liars.

Sisterhood unite! Kick those poseur fake “friends of women” in the p@ssy.

Real women would never do that to another woman and her kids.

Omg. Yes! The married woman I know banging married men behind the husband’s back works in a “yah yah rah rah, let’s go women” type workplace. I always think if only all of these women knew she bangs married men, and possibly a few of their spouses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP. Actions have consequences. let her burn. Make sure you burn your husband also though.

OP: Oh, he will. This is going to destroy his career.

I'm figuring you've considered this, because you sound methodical, but if this also torches things like health insurance through his work for you or for any kids you have, be ready for that. Same goes for savings for kids' college or your retirement, though I figure those finances get worked out in a divorce and custody agreement. I am NOT saying to let this go, OP! Just saying: Be prepared for his career dive to affect all aspects of family finances and coverage. (A friend's DH lost his job when they divorced; she ended up with much less robust health coverage for her and their kids, which was an issue later on when one child developed a chronic condition that has cost $$$ and always will. That's why this issue is one which occurs to me when people divorce.)

She doesn't sound methodical. She sounds unhinged and erratic.

Yup.

Affair partners are so funny. You dumb girl. You thought the wife would find out and what? Be cool with it? Scold her husband? I would go a step farther and sleep with your husband after I told him. Be thankful OP isn’t as unhinged as me.

This is like the subplot of a John Updike novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

This. Beautifully said.

[Anonymous]

Girl, don’t waste your time on this biatch. Move out and enjoy your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP. Actions have consequences. let her burn. Make sure you burn your husband also though.

OP: Oh, he will. This is going to destroy his career.

Not even if he's a politician. Nobody gives a $hit.

You should leave the other husband alone, it's not your business. Your husband is your business.

Not how it works. You interfere with my marriage, I interfere with yours. Why is there a code that should be upheld by the spouse who was wronged? The wife didn’t cheat. YOU did. If my husband was caught cheating with someone I’d already expressed concern about, all bets for civility would be off.

Because the other husband didn’t do anything to you and you are gleefully looking forward to causing him pain.

OP: Gleefully looking forward to causing him pain? I have the unique advantage that I caught wind of his wife cheating on him. It is a kindness to share that kind of blatant disrespect when you’re investing your life in someone.

AP doesn’t get to destroy my marriage and keep her happy one. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

DP

OP, honestly you sound so incredibly angry, hurt, betrayed, and unhappy. And this vendetta to punish them is just misplaced. This isn’t how you heal and have a happy life. It’s how you hang on to hurt, feeding it with rage and cementing it in place with self righteousness.

You may think you are punishing them but this will backfire on you. So she loses her marriage. Ok. It probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway. She will walk away wronged by you and she may go on to mature and learn from her mistake. You will walk away holding this for the rest of your life. It’s going to eat you from the inside. Instead of living your own life you’re fixated on getting other people back, controlling aspects of their life, and wounding them.

As for the idea that you’re saving her spouse — get over it. He would find out anyway or he wouldn’t. Maybe he will stay with her and the marriage will get stronger. You have no idea what they will do and honestly you behaving like an unhinged idiot just doesn’t help anyone. If you wanted to be moral you’d tell her that she needs to inform him or you will.

[Anonymous]

Also, I predict from all this that your revenge will backfire and may draw your husband and the AP closer. They may end up remarrying and building a great new life together, fueled in part by whatever sense of shared victimhood got them into this affair which you are now just going to double down and add more evidence for. Your behavior will make her pity your husband and and make your husband turn to her. Whereas if you took the high road they would have to actually deal with their guilt. Just not smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I confronted her first. She was a total b@tch, blameless in her own eyes and self-righteous. I made up my mind then and there I was telling her spouse.

Perhaps, if she showed some modicum of civility and remorse, offered an apology, I would have thought twice. But, being such a c@ntt and not caring one bit about anyone else….well, I blew that sh@t up for her.

Anybody who carried out what she did and confronted with someone in pain….lets just say having BDP and not recognizing that or even caring…deserved everything that came her way.

I won’t lie. It felt good. Really, really good.

Wowzer - good work

Actually, it sounds like the fantasy confrontation she thought she was going to have didn't play out like she imagined. She sounds really bent about that.

I seriously doubt the AP fears the "big reveal" to her spouse. That's the weakness in OP's strategy. She's focused on the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m telling AP’s husband. There really isn’t any 1950s housewife “keep it contained in your own home” bullshit that is going to make a difference here.

She slept with my husband with the full knowledge we are married. It’s on. AP, please know it’s coming.

+1. True feminism is outing them to everyone. Days of the wronged wife being a martyr are over!

The problem is ... "everyone" doesn't care. Really. People really don't care and it makes them uncomfortable to be told they should or to have this private information shared with them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

Good luck with your new job hunting!

Its fascinating you think people get fired over this. Unless there is a boss / subordinate dynamic....they're not. Workplaces don't get involved with whether someone should be morally sleeping with someone else - if dating is allowed (as it is almost everywhere now except where there are power differentials) then affairs are also allowed.

You missed where OP said, earlier in the thread, that her DH and the AP are both "key" players in a small firm with a small staff. Sounds like some entrepreneurial thing. If that's the case, well, two leaders out of a small staff, both with total s**tstorms breaking at home--that's going to play havoc with the whole business, possibly. It's funny to me how some here are so very insistent that an affair could never, ever tank a career or business unless it was a boss-subordinate relationship.

DP - I saw that part and that it made it less likely that there would be career fallout honestly. No one is getting rid of 2 key players in a small enterprise.

OP’s first thread should be recommended reading for y’all.

Where did OP ever confirm that she's the same OP with the husband who constantly talks to his pregnant business partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP was my real life friend, I would definitely want her to keep her eyes on her life and deciding what’s best for her and her kids.

But since this is the internet, and I love a good train, I forward to the next chapters.

If OP was my friend, I’d be helping her plot her spectacular revenge.

+1 I'm with ya, OP. Go nuclear.

I cannot abide cheaters and liars.

Sisterhood unite! Kick those poseur fake “friends of women” in the p@ssy.

Real women would never do that to another woman and her kids.

They’re not “doing it to you.” They’re not thinking about you at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

Good luck with your new job hunting!

Its fascinating you think people get fired over this. Unless there is a boss / subordinate dynamic....they're not. Workplaces don't get involved with whether someone should be morally sleeping with someone else - if dating is allowed (as it is almost everywhere now except where there are power differentials) then affairs are also allowed.

You missed where OP said, earlier in the thread, that her DH and the AP are both "key" players in a small firm with a small staff. Sounds like some entrepreneurial thing. If that's the case, well, two leaders out of a small staff, both with total s**tstorms breaking at home--that's going to play havoc with the whole business, possibly. It's funny to me how some here are so very insistent that an affair could never, ever tank a career or business unless it was a boss-subordinate relationship.

DP - I saw that part and that it made it less likely that there would be career fallout honestly. No one is getting rid of 2 key players in a small enterprise.

OP’s first thread should be recommended reading for y’all.

Where did OP ever confirm that she's the same OP with the husband who constantly talks to his pregnant business partner?

That never happened. It's just people speculating. These are two great troll tales, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

I mean, if you managed to do all those things—vacationing, planning retirement, buying a home, etc, while your spouse was having an affair, and it didn’t impact anything (ie, you didn’t ever know about it), then how was it all a lie? It didn’t have any effect on your life.

You utterly, profoundly missed the entire point of the post to which you're responding. FFS.

The planning etc. is not the issue. Making plans about a future together, making decisions together, believing you are part of a couple, a team, that's the point, and that's what the cheater betrays. The lie is the lie that there's a commitment to moving through life together, on the same page. When one half of a couple has an affair, it turns that commitment, and the life built based on that commitment, into a sham.

The fact that you see only that you still get to take the vacation, buy the house, sock away money -- that's strange. Maybe you just see the transactions and have no notion of a married couple doing all those things to build a life, not merely a portfolio to be split up when one of them says, by the way, there was a third person involved in everything we did and chose "together."

But if you never found out about it then it didn’t actually affect your life, so who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I slept with your husband bc DH and I have an open marriage. Feel free to tell him. I honored the commitments I made to my DH, I'm sorry your spouse didn't do the same for you. Last I check - I was not part of your wedding vows and made no commitments to you about who I would or wouldn't sleep with

Good luck with your new job hunting!

Its fascinating you think people get fired over this. Unless there is a boss / subordinate dynamic....they're not. Workplaces don't get involved with whether someone should be morally sleeping with someone else - if dating is allowed (as it is almost everywhere now except where there are power differentials) then affairs are also allowed.

You missed where OP said, earlier in the thread, that her DH and the AP are both "key" players in a small firm with a small staff. Sounds like some entrepreneurial thing. If that's the case, well, two leaders out of a small staff, both with total s**tstorms breaking at home--that's going to play havoc with the whole business, possibly. It's funny to me how some here are so very insistent that an affair could never, ever tank a career or business unless it was a boss-subordinate relationship.

DP - I saw that part and that it made it less likely that there would be career fallout honestly. No one is getting rid of 2 key players in a small enterprise.

OP’s first thread should be recommended reading for y’all.

They are partners are talk hours per day?

Yup. I’m waiting for the third installment of this story, perhaps when OP hooks up with AP’s husband.

Oh I’m definitely waiting for that too!

Doubt her husband will care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your DH cheats and instead of divorcing him or working it out privately you go after the OW? Maybe reconsider your strategy.

How about doing both? And then start disclosing to everyone. They reap what they sow

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.